{"id":6534,"date":"2024-02-18T20:05:41","date_gmt":"2024-02-19T02:05:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=6534"},"modified":"2024-02-18T20:05:41","modified_gmt":"2024-02-19T02:05:41","slug":"following-drop-in-rankings-uchicago-students-report-sun-is-a-little-dimmer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2024\/02\/18\/following-drop-in-rankings-uchicago-students-report-sun-is-a-little-dimmer\/","title":{"rendered":"Following Drop In Rankings, UChicago Students Report Sun Is a Little Dimmer"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now! A recent campus survey found that the sun shines just a bit colder on the University of Chicago now, and the world is that much grayer.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI don\u2019t know quite how to phrase it, but everything just sucks now,\u201d explained fourth-year Dhruv Khatri, \u201cBirds don\u2019t sing anymore, flowers wilt before they bloom, ice cream melts quicker \u2013 which is crazy because we\u2019ve had sub-zero weather for the last three months.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Third-year Abby Roth agreed that something has gone deeply wrong at the University of Chicago: \u201cI opened a bag of Skittles the other day and it was filled with only orange ones. What the fuck!? Then I bought another bag of Skittles and it was filled with wasps!\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The sudden decline in the school\u2019s fortune is more than just student perception; a committee of scientists and researchers has confirmed that God does, in fact, hate the University of Chicago. A report finds that UChicago has lost the favor of the Almighty, and so must suffer seven, even eight plagues until it learns its lesson, like Cain when he was ousted from the Eternal Garden..\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In related news, Duke University, formerly 10th on the US News College Rankings, has jumped to 7th place on the list. Following this development, every student at Duke has reported finding a $20 bill in between their couch cushions.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2081,"featured_media":6536,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6534","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6534","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2081"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6534"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6534\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6537,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6534\/revisions\/6537"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6536"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6534"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6534"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6534"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}