{"id":6388,"date":"2023-11-06T19:30:46","date_gmt":"2023-11-07T01:30:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=6388"},"modified":"2023-11-05T20:00:43","modified_gmt":"2023-11-06T02:00:43","slug":"first-year-earns-respect-of-school-by-beating-up-biggest-guy-on-the-quad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2023\/11\/06\/first-year-earns-respect-of-school-by-beating-up-biggest-guy-on-the-quad\/","title":{"rendered":"First Year Earns Respect of School by Beating Up Biggest Guy on the Quad"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Freshman Doug Edwards made waves last week by beating up the biggest guy on campus, thus placing himself at the top of the school\u2019s social hierarchy. Students at UChicago, who have long determined status based on being big and strong, were shocked when Edwards unseated Big Man on Campus Mikey Poundsmith in a fist fight outside of Ryerson Chemical Laboratory.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Edwards reportedly approached Poundsmith and declared, \u201cI\u2019m the coolest kid in school now. I\u2019m the big cheese,\u201d before striking him in the jaw. According to witnesses, Edwards subsequently made Poundsmith eat a bug. By noon that day, word had reached the whole school that Edwards was the new Big Kahuna.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cIt was pretty bitchin,\u2019\u201d agreed UChicago President Paul Alivasatos, who also witnessed the fight. \u201cDoug is one cool cat in my book.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI thought Doug was just a quiet kid from the New York Metropolitan Area,\u201d said Arnold Mann, who lives next to Edwards in Woodlawn Residential Commons, \u201cBut after he beat up that guy, I guess he\u2019s like our king now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Edwards has moved quickly in capitalizing on his newfound social cachet, forming a gang of toadies and hangers-on who follow him around campus. Calling themselves \u201cThe Gators,\u201d each member of the gang sports a leather jacket with an alligator emblem stenciled on the back. They can be found around campus snapping their fingers in unison and combing and\/or gelling their hair menacingly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Gators have already run afoul multiple times since their founding. Most recently, they were cited by UCPD for shaking down famed UChicago economist Stephen Levitt for his lunch money.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Edwards reportedly approached Poundsmith and declared, \u201cI\u2019m the coolest kid in school now. I\u2019m the big cheese,\u201d before striking him in the jaw. According to witnesses, Edwards subsequently made Poundsmith eat a bug. By noon that day, word had reached the whole school that Edwards was the new Big Kahuna.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2081,"featured_media":6389,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6388","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6388","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2081"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6388"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6388\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6395,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6388\/revisions\/6395"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6389"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6388"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6388"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6388"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}