{"id":6135,"date":"2023-04-09T15:00:58","date_gmt":"2023-04-09T20:00:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=6135"},"modified":"2025-01-01T19:59:37","modified_gmt":"2025-01-02T01:59:37","slug":"report-jesus-will-take-it-easy-this-easter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2023\/04\/09\/report-jesus-will-take-it-easy-this-easter\/","title":{"rendered":"Report: Jesus to Take It Easy This Easter"},"content":{"rendered":"

NEWARK, HEAVEN \u2013 Jesus Christ has revealed that He plans to \u201ctake it easy\u201d this Easter and avoid getting caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t get me wrong, I\u2019m a big Easter guy, but these last few years it\u2019s kind of felt like I\u2019m just going through the motions, you know?\u201d the Son of the Most High said in a statement. \u201cI\u2019ve decided to prioritize my mental health this time around and just enjoy a nice spring day with my Dad, three or four of the likable Apostles, and a DVD copy of <\/span>It\u2019s the Easter Beagle Charlie Brown<\/span><\/i>.\u201d Jesus also confirmed that He would not be attending any \u201cfrankly upsetting\u201d passion plays.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to get to a point where I feel like I have an obligation to go to big get-togethers and put up all kinds of crazy decorations and whatnot,\u201d He said. The Prince of Peace was quick to reject rumors that His laid back attitude toward the holiday had anything to do with His reportedly tense relationship with the Holy Spirit in recent months. \u201cCertain members of the media will try and spin this to fit their completely speculative narratives about the work culture within the Holy Trinity, but I want to be clear that I\u2019m doing this for myself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It was not immediately clear what the announcement meant for the world\u2019s 1.3 billion Catholics, who will be relying on Jesus to be literally present in the Eucharist on Easter Sunday. A spokesman for the Vatican told the <\/span>Dealer<\/span><\/i>, \u201cWe\u2019ve reached out to the Son of the Living God asking if He\u2019s up for transubstantiation this Easter and letting Him know we completely understand if He\u2019s not feeling it this year. If He says no, we\u2019ll see if we can get someone else to sub in for Him. St. Peter has already volunteered as a backup and we\u2019ve conducted some preliminary taste-tests. \u201cWhatever ends up happening, we\u2019re going to be upfront with our parishioners about the situation, because the most important thing to the\u00a0 Catholic Church is honesty and transparency.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

At press time, the Alpha and the Omega said He had not yet decided on whether He would be taking part in the Feast of the Ascension this year, telling the Dealer that He might, \u201chave a smaller, more intimate thing with the Easter Bunny\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It was not immediately clear what the announcement meant for the world\u2019s 1.3 billion Catholics, who will be relying on Jesus to be literally present in the Eucharist on Easter Sunday.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2089,"featured_media":6164,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6135","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-world-affairs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6135","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2089"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6135"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6135\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6183,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6135\/revisions\/6183"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6164"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6135"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6135"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6135"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}