{"id":6106,"date":"2023-04-05T15:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-04-05T20:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=6106"},"modified":"2023-03-21T14:26:34","modified_gmt":"2023-03-21T19:26:34","slug":"im-such-a-klepto-says-white-girl-stealing-banana-from-baker","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2023\/04\/05\/im-such-a-klepto-says-white-girl-stealing-banana-from-baker\/","title":{"rendered":"\u201cI\u2019m Such A Klepto,\u201d Says White Girl Stealing Banana From Baker"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">HYDE PARK \u2014 One banana has gone missing from the fruit section of Baker Dining Commons, Eric M. Heath, the University\u2019s Associate Vice President for Safety &amp; Security, announced in an email to the entire student body Wednesday.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Eyewitnesses report that Olivia Connecticut, a local white girl, was spotted leaving the scene with a banana in hand crying, \u201cOMG, I\u2019m such a klepto. They really need to stop me right now.\u201d Connecticut was also heard confessing to other recent misdeeds. \u201cI can\u2019t even, guys. This morning, I turned my stove all the way up. I\u2019m such a pyro, you guys.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">At press time, the UCPD is still investigating the crime, but has ruled out Ms. Connecticut as a suspect despite her confession. \u201cWe\u2019ll be sending dozens of squad cars south of the Midway in search of the offender,\u201d said a UCPD spokesperson. \u201cWe won\u2019t rest until all of them are caught.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cI can\u2019t even, guys. This morning, I turned my stove all the way up. I\u2019m such a pyro, you guys.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6107,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6106","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6106","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6106"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6106\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6108,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6106\/revisions\/6108"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6107"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6106"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6106"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6106"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}