{"id":6038,"date":"2023-03-19T14:37:09","date_gmt":"2023-03-19T19:37:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=6038"},"modified":"2025-11-26T01:27:45","modified_gmt":"2025-11-26T07:27:45","slug":"adderall-bear-attacks-class-destroys-curve","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2023\/03\/19\/adderall-bear-attacks-class-destroys-curve\/","title":{"rendered":"\u201cAdderall Bear\u201d Attacks Class, Destroys Curve"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On Sunday, a black bear wandered into the stacks and uncovered abandoned bags of Adderall, ravenously ingesting 95 kilograms.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was \u201croughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City,\u201d and \u201cabout 300 times the amount I snort on Mondays.\u201d&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The so-called \u201cAdderall Bear\u201d proceeded to hit the books for 50 straight hours in the Reg, and sprinted to Kent Chemistry lab, crashing an Organic Chemistry final and earning an \u201cunprecedented\u201d 96 on the exam.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cWhen we saw a shitfaced bear power-walk into the exam room, we thought it was going to lower the mean,\u201d said second year Cam McCall. \u201cI guess we should\u2019ve looked closer at the powder caking its nose and mouth.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Chemistry department released a statement, clarifying that though they regretfully had to ban the Adderall Bear from all campus buildings, they were impressed with its \u201cexceptional cruelty towards students\u201d and had therefore \u201cimmediately offered Mr. Bear a tenured position in the department.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was \u201croughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":20,"featured_media":6040,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6038"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/20"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6038"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6038\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7353,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6038\/revisions\/7353"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6040"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6038"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6038"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6038"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}