{"id":6026,"date":"2023-03-15T14:54:23","date_gmt":"2023-03-15T19:54:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=6026"},"modified":"2023-03-14T18:14:26","modified_gmt":"2023-03-14T23:14:26","slug":"reg-to-introduce-death-penalty-for-overdue-books","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2023\/03\/15\/reg-to-introduce-death-penalty-for-overdue-books\/","title":{"rendered":"Reg to Introduce Death Penalty for Overdue Books"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">REGENSTEIN \u2014 Regenstein Library administrators, confronted with a huge backlog of missing books, introduced the ultimate deterrent on Monday for overdue books: the death penalty. Effective immediately, students found to have one or more books overdue from the library will be shot on sight by a \u201cstate of the art automated weaponry system\u201d installed at the building\u2019s front gate.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cThe kids here don\u2019t give a shit about late fees, because their parents are all oil barons,\u201d lamented librarian Paige Reed. \u201cWe know the new policy seems a little extravagant, but the execution machinery will only cost a cool $2 million, so we\u2019re expecting a return on investment in 5000 years or so.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Library administrators also cited other \u2018innovative\u2019 uses for the execution machinery, including preventing a cappella groups from singing on the library\u2019s first floor.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Effective immediately, students found to have one or more books overdue from the library will be shot on sight by a \u201cstate of the art automated weaponry system\u201d installed at the building\u2019s front gate.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4881,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6026","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6026","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6026"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6026\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6028,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6026\/revisions\/6028"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4881"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6026"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6026"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6026"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}