{"id":5990,"date":"2023-03-03T15:09:51","date_gmt":"2023-03-03T21:09:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5990"},"modified":"2023-03-02T11:15:19","modified_gmt":"2023-03-02T17:15:19","slug":"how-to-butcher-your-favorite-childhood-chicken","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2023\/03\/03\/how-to-butcher-your-favorite-childhood-chicken\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Butcher Your Favorite Childhood Chicken"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thinking of getting a nice meal out of your darling pet hen? Just feeling a bit hungry and\/or stabby? Here are some steps that you\u2019re going to want to follow when betraying your beloved childhood pet chicken Daisy.<\/span><\/p>\n

Keep your surroundings clean<\/b><\/p>\n

Hey, your conscience isn\u2019t going to come out of this spotless, so your working area might as well. It\u2019s especially important to keep your elbows clean \u2014 you\u2019re going to need them to wipe your eyes while your hands are covered in oozing raw meat slime. Also, you have a feeling Daisy will really appreciate it. Nobody wants to go out in a pigsty, not even a chicken.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Grasp her by the neck<\/b><\/p>\n

Holding the body of your beloved friend by the neck will help you take advantage of gravity in helping to detach the torso cleanly. As a nice bonus, it might also help you face the fact that you, Daisy\u2019s most trusted confidant, are about to slit her throat and cut off her beautiful warbling head forever. You will never hear her songs again. (Not that she could ever sing anyway.)<\/span><\/p>\n

Ease her into death by reminding her of the good times you\u2019ve shared<\/b><\/p>\n

What better way to wrap up your emotional connection with Daisy than with your fist around her fragile nape? Serenade her with tales of that time when you ran home crying after a breakup, and she nuzzled up to you until you stopped sniffling, showing care and love that you never got from your actual human mother. But be sure to hold on tight \u2014 it\u2019s hard to get chickens to sit still and listen to you, especially when they\u2019re about to die.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just go for it<\/b><\/p>\n

The faster you swing the blade, the less Daisy\u2019ll suffer. So really whack that sucker!<\/span><\/p>\n

Butcher her respectfully\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

Most chefs will tell you to wear gloves when tugging off a chicken\u2019s skin, but considering that Daisy was your best friend as recently as two minutes ago, you will probably want to smell her blood on your hands, if only just to keep your memory of her heartbeat alive that much longer. When rotating your knife around the base of the wings, think back on how you were also the one to clip Daisy\u2019s wings, depriving your precious friend of flight both in life and death. Remember how she flapped at the air, desperate to reach the clouds? You did that to her. And now she\u2019s dead.<\/span><\/p>\n

Serve<\/b><\/p>\n

When cooking, place raw onions next to the meat so you can give your friends an excuse for why you\u2019re sobbing. Hopefully the nuggets come out delicious \u2014 they better be! Pair with an entire bottle of a nice red wine to help you forget. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It might also help you face the fact that you, Daisy\u2019s most trusted confidant, are about to slit her throat and cut off her beautiful warbling head forever.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":902,"featured_media":5992,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5990","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5990","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/902"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5990"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5990\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5993,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5990\/revisions\/5993"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5992"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5990"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5990"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5990"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}