At 10:04 this morning, first-year John Johnson decided to eat a muffin, which \u2013- unbeknownst to him \u2014 contained peanuts. He shortly thereafter went into anaphylactic shock.<\/p>\n
Rather than quietly leave the cafeteria and go to a hospital (as politeness would dictate), Johnson chose to writhe on the floor and struggle to breathe (dramatic much?). This attention-seeking behavior disturbed everyone\u2019s peaceful breakfast.<\/p>\n
Darla Shwartz, a witness to the incident, said that Johnson was \u201ctrying way too hard to be the main character\u201d and that he should \u201cstop begging for acknowledgement, because this is why we never invite him to any of our shit.\u201d Shwartz added he should \u201cgo fuck himself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was just sitting on the floor for five minutes struggling to breathe before anyone called an ambulance,\u201d said Johnson. \u201cMaybe they didn\u2019t see me or were just busy. I totally get it, everyone\u2019s been having a long quarter.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson\u2019s house, said, \u201cYeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that he went to the hospital\u2026 It was so worth it! I\u2019d do it 100 times again. It was so hilarious, I could barely breathe. I suppose John could barely breathe either, so it feels like an equitable exchange.\u201d Silverstein likewise added Johnson should \u201cgo fuck himself.\u201d<\/p>\n
Johnson went on to say, \u201cEveryone must\u2019ve been really focused on studying. I hope I didn\u2019t disturb them. I don\u2019t want to be a burden.\u201dAt this point in the interview, Johnson started to cry and we got really bored. We think he said something about how he wishes this experience won\u2019t leave him unable to volunteer at the local orphanage or something dumb like that. We got tired of watching him cry (gross), so we stopped listening to him and left \u2014 but not before telling him to go fuck himself.<\/p>\n
Johnson is due to be discharged in three weeks, meaning he will have to take a leave of absence this quarter, much to the pleasure of the entire student body. The Dealer thinks that he should just check his muffin next time, instead of being such a fucking moron and giving himself anaphylaxis.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson\u2019s house, said, \u201cYeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that he went to the hospital\u2026 It was so worth it! I\u2019d do it 100 times again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":902,"featured_media":5846,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,34],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5845","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life","category-favorites"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5845","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/902"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5845"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5845\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5847,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5845\/revisions\/5847"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5846"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5845"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5845"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5845"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}