{"id":5813,"date":"2022-12-06T15:30:14","date_gmt":"2022-12-06T21:30:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5813"},"modified":"2023-02-06T14:48:22","modified_gmt":"2023-02-06T20:48:22","slug":"university-introduces-new-way-to-get-downtown-walk-motherfuckers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2022\/12\/06\/university-introduces-new-way-to-get-downtown-walk-motherfuckers\/","title":{"rendered":"University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”"},"content":{"rendered":"

HYDE PARK \u2014 The University of Chicago\u2019s Department of Safety & Security introduced \u2018Just Walk, Motherfuckers!\u2019 a new transportation program for students, late Monday. The program will feature undergraduate students (termed \u2018motherfuckers\u2019 or \u2018whiny little babies\u2019 in the press release) walking the seven-mile distance to downtown Chicago. The program is advertised as available 24\/7, 365 days a year.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDowntown Chicago is a popular destination for students,\u201d said a university spokesperson, \u201cand they\u2019re always whining about how \u2018it\u2019s so far away\u2019 and \u2018the Red Line smells like pee.\u2019 We think this new option is an excellent way for these stuck-up twerps to get out of their rooms for a change.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be \u2018motherfuckers\u2019 told the <\/span>Dealer<\/span><\/i>. \u201cI\u2019m not sure the administration knows this, but walking is actually slower than riding the CTA,\u201d said a first-year student, who also wanted it on the record that he has never once \u2018had relations with\u2019 his mother.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTuition is high enough here that we expect some support,\u201d another student said. \u201cWhen I applied, admissions convinced me that we were right next to Chicago and I assumed I could go lick the Bean whenever I wanted. That couldn\u2019t be further from the truth.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Undeterred, the <\/span>Dealer<\/span><\/i> sent a first-year writer to attempt the program. \u201cI made it a few blocks, but I got concerned about my safety \u2014 there was lots of snow everywhere and I thought I might get the sniffles,\u201d he said. \u201cAfter I stubbed my toe on the sidewalk, I knew I couldn’t go any further. I’m really glad nothing more serious happened.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A spokesperson from the Department of Safety and Security defended the program on the basis of cost-efficiency. \u201cI don\u2019t understand why thousands of dollars have gone towards treadmills and stationary bikes if you can do all of that shit for the low cost of fucking nothing. News flash, people: walking is free \u2014 it\u2019s almost like these nerds have never heard of cardio-fuckin\u2019-vascular exercise.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He further added that students don\u2019t have to walk \u2014 the University has explored alternative methods including cartwheels and leapfrogging \u2014 and that the program will allow the University to \u201cput tuition money towards shit that matters.\u201d This includes adding administrative employees, paying more Nobel laureates to retire here, and turning Stony Island into a real-life version of the house from <\/span>Up<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n

In other news, the Department of Safety and Security is considering a rebrand to the Department of Not Being A Little Crybaby.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be \u2018motherfuckers\u2019 told the Dealer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":425,"featured_media":5815,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,34],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5813","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life","category-favorites"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5813","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/425"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5813"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5813\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5816,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5813\/revisions\/5816"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5815"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5813"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5813"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5813"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}