{"id":5807,"date":"2022-12-01T16:29:59","date_gmt":"2022-12-01T22:29:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5807"},"modified":"2022-12-01T16:29:59","modified_gmt":"2022-12-01T22:29:59","slug":"dealer-investigates-the-many-crimes-of-dean-boyer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2022\/12\/01\/dealer-investigates-the-many-crimes-of-dean-boyer\/","title":{"rendered":"Dealer Investigates: The Many Crimes of \u201cDean Boyer\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

The individual widely known as \u201cDean Boyer\u201d has been an enduring mystery in all of our lives. While many know about his role in the faking of the moon landing and the satanic symbols he draws with chemtrails, who really <\/span>is<\/span><\/i> our university\u2019s local lizard-man? Using exclusive, recently obtained evidence, here\u2019s what the <\/span>Dealer<\/span><\/i> has discovered about the many crimes of the so-called \u201cMean Dean\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dean Boyer: D. B. Cooper found?<\/b><\/p>\n

The true identity of the famous plane hijacker has never been uncovered \u2013 until now. The <\/span>Dealer<\/span><\/i>, using state-of-the-art forensic techniques (such as breaking and entering), recently discovered the tattered remains of a parachute in Dean Boyer\u2019s apartment, which our contacts have reported to be \u201cprobably one of ours, yeah\u201d, and $190,800 in cash, which carbon dating reveals were printed prior to November 24, 1971. And if that isn\u2019t enough evidence for you, ask yourself this: what do <\/span>you<\/span><\/i> think \u201cD. B.\u201d stands for?<\/span><\/p>\n

Dean Boyer killed JFK<\/b><\/p>\n

Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that \u201cLee Harvey Oswald\u201d was really a pseudonym for \u201cDean Boyer\u201d all along. According to his findings, the Dallas Police Department has been covering for Boyer this whole time, having been bribed with free copies of Boyer\u2019s <\/span>Political Radicalism in Late Imperial Vienna: Origins of the Christian Social Movement, 1848-1897<\/span><\/i>, as well as his sex tape.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dean Boyer, not the Div School Murderer<\/b><\/p>\n

Despite the widespread rumor\u00a0 that Dean Boyer is responsible for the assassination of <\/span>Ioan Culianu in the third floor bathroom of the divinity school<\/span>, the <\/span>Dealer <\/span><\/i>has found evidence that Boyer was, at the time, actually on his annual trip to commemorate his invention of the gender-neutral toilet by \u201cpissing\u201d on John F. Kennedy\u2019s grave. We\u2019ve found that the true culprit was probably vaccinations.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dean Boyer is Bigfoot<\/b><\/p>\n

Ok, we admit \u2013 we don\u2019t really have any \u201cconcrete\u201d evidence for this. But just look at them! Or look simultaneously at Dean Boyer and the vague, blurry outline of Bigfoot, I guess. Or can you? Have you ever seen them in the same room? They have the same bulging muscles, the same towering physique, the same glowing red eyes. It\u2019s pretty obvious when you think about it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dean Boyer has had sex<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that \u201cLee Harvey Oswald\u201d was really a pseudonym for \u201cDean Boyer\u201d all along.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":902,"featured_media":5805,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5807","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5807","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/902"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5807"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5807\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5808,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5807\/revisions\/5808"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5805"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5807"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5807"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5807"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}