{"id":5798,"date":"2022-12-02T15:12:23","date_gmt":"2022-12-02T21:12:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5798"},"modified":"2022-12-01T15:58:37","modified_gmt":"2022-12-01T21:58:37","slug":"op-ed-i-can-definitely-beat-you-in-a-fight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2022\/12\/02\/op-ed-i-can-definitely-beat-you-in-a-fight\/","title":{"rendered":"Op-Ed: I Can Definitely Beat You in a Fight"},"content":{"rendered":"

What are <\/span>you <\/span><\/i>looking at, buster? You wanna fight? Dear lord, you have no idea what you just got yourself into. My body is a machine that turns paychecks into creatine. When I fly on airplanes, the TSA asks me to take off all my super badass silver skull rings because otherwise, my fists are classified as lethal weapons.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

You want to talk about arm strength? We can talk about arm strength. I can take the groceries in one single trip, as long as there isn\u2019t a watermelon or one of those really big jugs of oat milk that my mom likes. They don\u2019t play a fair game. Whenever I\u2019m on the bus, I jump up and slap the acrylic sign with the might of Zeus himself and laugh as the shards spray into the minimum-wage bus driver\u2019s eyes.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I have been toning my quads unceasingly for the past five years. I\u2019ve followed an intense regimen of running away from people I recognize on the street, sprinting blocks at a time. I tell everyone that I drive a Ford F150, and nobody will ever know that I don\u2019t actually have a car. My doctor has told me to stop using whole milk in my protein shakes, but what he doesn\u2019t know is that it motivates me to go full-on-sprint when I inevitably go to the bathroom eight times a day.<\/span><\/p>\n

What have <\/span>you <\/span><\/i>done lately? Look at yourself: a mouth-breathing wimp scratching their head as they laugh to themselves about a silly newspaper article. I bet you couldn\u2019t walk to the 7-Eleven for the sixth time today without laboring with every breath. The only kind of \u201cpunch\u201d you can throw is the Hawaiian kind, down your swollen gullet. You don\u2019t stand a chance against me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

First, I will leg sweep you with my calves (which are the size of baby hogs). Then, once you\u2019re on the ground, I will start punching and I won\u2019t stop until my antipsychotics kick in. You say you have a black-belt in karate? Let\u2019s see how useful your stupid belt is when your teeth are being turned into baby powder. And, in the end, I will <\/span>glare<\/span><\/i> at you. You will beg for mercy if your tongue is even still in your mouth \u2014 if you\u2019re still breathing, that is. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

First, I will leg sweep you with my calves (which are the size of baby hogs). Then, once you\u2019re on the ground, I will start punching and I won\u2019t stop until my antipsychotics kick in.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":902,"featured_media":5806,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5798","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5798","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/902"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5798"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5798\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5801,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5798\/revisions\/5801"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5806"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5798"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5798"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5798"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}