{"id":5786,"date":"2022-11-28T15:02:40","date_gmt":"2022-11-28T21:02:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5786"},"modified":"2022-11-28T15:17:42","modified_gmt":"2022-11-28T21:17:42","slug":"thief-returns-android-users-phone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2022\/11\/28\/thief-returns-android-users-phone\/","title":{"rendered":"Thief Returns Android User&#8217;s Phone"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cToday, a student bravely ventured south of 61st street and was \u2013 as expected \u2013 mugged almost instantly,\u201d reads a statement released this week by campus police. Apparently, the thief yelled \u201csomething threatening\u201d (according to a university official who didn\u2019t want to type the word \u201cgun\u201d) and then demanded the contents of the student\u2019s pockets. Upon seeing that the student had an Android, however, the thief immediately returned all the student\u2019s possessions.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Also among the items returned by the thief were the student\u2019s U-Pass (the criminal was \u201cscared of the green line\u201d) and the student\u2019s keys (the lanyard they were attached to \u201clooks atrocious.\u201d) When the student texted an acquaintance about the situation, they immediately blocked them, citing the \u201cdisgusting murky-green color of the text bubbles.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The student also offered an explanation for why he went south of 61st: \u201cOne of my friends Nearby Share\u2019d me directions to Harper (because I can\u2019t use AirDrop), but my Android Compass malfunctioned and told me to go south.\u201d The <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Dealer<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> asked Google for a comment on the situation but they didn\u2019t respond, the unsympathetic bastards.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Upon seeing that the student had an Android, however, the thief immediately returned all the student\u2019s possessions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":902,"featured_media":5787,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5786","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5786","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/902"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5786"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5786\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5788,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5786\/revisions\/5788"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5787"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5786"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5786"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5786"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}