{"id":5774,"date":"2022-11-24T15:31:23","date_gmt":"2022-11-24T21:31:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5774"},"modified":"2022-11-24T14:16:18","modified_gmt":"2022-11-24T20:16:18","slug":"top-six-ways-to-totally-own-your-stupid-idiot-grandma-this-thanksgiving","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2022\/11\/24\/top-six-ways-to-totally-own-your-stupid-idiot-grandma-this-thanksgiving\/","title":{"rendered":"Top Six Ways to Totally Own Your Stupid Idiot Grandma This Thanksgiving"},"content":{"rendered":"
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  1. The Facebook gambit<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Ask her if she\u2019s seen anything interesting online recently. She only knows one website, \u201cthe Facebooks,\u201d and boy does she want to tell you about it! Whether it\u2019s conspiracy theories about the statues at the local garden, Hunter Biden\u2019s laptop, or her pastor\u2019s thoughts on the latest <\/span>Minions<\/span><\/i> movie, she\u2019s sure to bring something up that\u2019ll bring out the stupid in her.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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    1. Talk constantly about how the turkey she lovingly made was once alive<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Did she know that a turkey is a kind of bird? You bet she didn\u2019t. Birds are living animals \u2014 prove your point by catching a wild pigeon with your bare hands and letting it loose in the dining room. Bonus points if it poops in the casserole.<\/span><\/p>\n

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      1. Bring up your aunt\u2019s divorce<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        Last Thanksgiving, your grandma messed up the acronym and called your goth cousin \u201cpart of the GLBT community,\u201d which was obviously a hate crime. Put her in her place by lambasting her failures \u2014 after all, if she\u2019d set a better example as a parent, then maybe Aunt Sylvia\u2019s marriage wouldn\u2019t have imploded.<\/span><\/p>\n

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        1. Write about her sins in a satire magazine and throw it in her face<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          Remind her of the time she slightly undercooked the chicken wings and gave you food poisoning for two weeks, how she has given you cheap Star Wars themed socks for the last <\/span>five <\/span><\/i>birthdays, and her extra-marital affair. Make sure to also make ominous threats to her wellbeing.<\/span><\/p>\n

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          1. Tell her you\u2019ve decided not to have children<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

            If at any point during the dinner you start to feel like your grandma has been insufficiently owned, pull the ultimate ace out of your sleeve and declare your intention to end the family bloodline. \u201cI have decided to chop down our family tree,\u201d you can announce, \u201cNo great-grandkids for you! How do you like me now, Ellen?\u201d Hey, if she wanted great-grandkids, she should\u2019ve had more children herself! Dumbass.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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            1. Put a jack-in-the-box in the mac and cheese<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

              When she digs into it to give out portions to all of your relatives, the clown will arise from the pasta. Laugh as she falls down in shock and rejoice in the sounds of her heart attack.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

              Last Thanksgiving, your grandma messed up the acronym and called your goth cousin \u201cpart of the GLBT community,\u201d which was obviously a hate crime.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5781,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5774","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5774","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5774"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5774\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5775,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5774\/revisions\/5775"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5781"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5774"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5774"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5774"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}