{"id":5635,"date":"2022-10-20T15:25:59","date_gmt":"2022-10-20T20:25:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5635"},"modified":"2022-10-18T11:30:20","modified_gmt":"2022-10-18T16:30:20","slug":"op-ed-please-wear-deodorant","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2022\/10\/20\/op-ed-please-wear-deodorant\/","title":{"rendered":"Op-Ed: Please Wear Deodorant"},"content":{"rendered":"

These days, it seems like you can\u2019t walk into the store and go straight into the deodorant aisle without a good hounding from Tom\u2019s, Secret, and Dove. Listen, I am of the school that believes a whiff of the armpit should singe the nostrils. That being said, the tears that accompany said singe-ing should be tears of utter joy not of utter disgust. Next week, if I put my nose directly into your armpit and it doesn\u2019t smell like Province you’re gonna wish you had put on deodorant. Get it?! <\/span>Capisce?<\/span> Verstehen Sie?<\/span><\/p>\n

As a seasoned deodorizer, I have included some things you need to know and consider when cornering the deodorant market. Please read them. Please buy deodorant. Please put deodorant on.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Do you have skin?<\/b><\/p>\n

If you do not have skin, choose a deodorant labeled \u201cfor people without skin.\u201d If you do have skin, choose one labeled \u201cfor boring people with skin.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Can you apply deodorant directly to your cornea?\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

As fun as that sounds, it\u2019s not fun in practice. Also, your armpits get offended if you apply deodorant anywhere on the body that\u2019s not them. Don\u2019t mess around with this. Armpits are known for their vengeful spirit. Remember those killings a few months back? The armpits did it in cold blood, those twisted motherfuckers.<\/span><\/p>\n

How do you apply deodorant?<\/b><\/p>\n

Get someone to throw your deodorant tube at 100 miles per second toward your armpit. If this doesn\u2019t kill you, you should get a pretty thorough treatment. Repeat for the other armpit.<\/span><\/p>\n

Which brand to choose?<\/b><\/p>\n

Well, I don\u2019t know about you, but is there any question? Dove. Buy Dove now. A Dove Representative is currently holding me at gunpoint. Please. Help me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Lastly, you don\u2019t want to enjoy your deodorant too much, as this may lead to taking liberal sniffs in public. Try to limit yourself to 12 private sniffings a day \u2014 that\u2019s what works for me. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Next week, if I put my nose directly into your armpit and it doesn\u2019t smell like Province you’re gonna wish you had put on deodorant. Get it?! Capisce? Verstehen Sie?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":902,"featured_media":5636,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5635","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5635","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/902"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5635"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5635\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5637,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5635\/revisions\/5637"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5636"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5635"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5635"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5635"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}