The cool guy from across the hall<\/b><\/p>\n
Oh man, that guy\u2019s so cool. He has those cool posters in his room, he sometimes closes his eyes while nodding his head to music, and he can recite poetry at the perfect times. It\u2019s really a shame you decided to throw up on him \u2014 he was starting to think you were pretty cool too. But vomiting on him wasn\u2019t the best look, so maybe it\u2019s time to look for other friends. Even though they will probably not be as cool. So cool.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cThat kid\u201d who sits across from you in Hum whom you\u2019ve always wanted to murder\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n You know \u201cthat kid,\u201d the one who your professor doesn\u2019t even pretend not to hate. One moment, you\u2019re drinking with friends on a Friday night after failing your core bio quiz, the next you\u2019re throwing up on \u201cthat kid.\u201d Unfortunately, \u201cthat kid\u201d will remember this moment and bring it up in class discussion whenever possible. Of course, it won\u2019t be relevant. But, when have they ever said anything related to the professor\u2019s question?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The editors-in-chief of the satire magazine you write for<\/b><\/p>\n Alright\u2026 it was your first time drinking, okay? Blame it on the bright lights of the big city, they were too much for a small towner like you, so you went a little crazy! You just wanted to show them you were game, that you could hang, that you knew what\u2019s what. But instead, you showed them your undigested chicken parm from a few hours earlier. You\u2019re still really funny, you promise, you just messed up a bit! You can\u2019t get kicked out, right? Is this in the bylaws?<\/span><\/p>\n Your RH\u2019s three-year-old daughter<\/b><\/p>\n You might\u2019ve had one too many White Claws and suddenly you\u2019re throwing up all over a trash can. Only the trashcan is really your RH\u2019s three-year old daughter. Now, you\u2019re in a bind. This will be one of the formative experiences of this child\u2019s life. Good thing she can\u2019t talk. Just run back to your room and act like nothing happened. Then, message your RA that there\u2019s a mess on the third floor. They can deal with it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The girl who thought you were the One \u2014 until just now<\/b><\/p>\n She was funny, smart, gorgeous, everything you could ask for in a future wife. You\u2019d even talked about moving to Massachusetts together, having three kids, getting a mortgage. You\u2019d thought you\u2019d shower her in love, not in half-digested dining hall puddings. You almost had it all, but you threw it away. My god, what have you done?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Every passenger on the 9:34 Green Line train to the Loop<\/b><\/p>\n They seemed like nice enough people. They really didn\u2019t deserve to be splattered with a flood of suspect dining hall Chinese food, but they knew the risks when they decided to ride the CTA. It was really unfortunate that you picked the car with seven uniformed on-duty CPD officers as passengers, too.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" She was funny, smart, gorgeous, everything you could ask for in a future wife. You\u2019d even talked about moving to Massachusetts together, having three kids, getting a mortgage. You\u2019d thought you\u2019d shower her in love, not in half-digested dining hall puddings. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":902,"featured_media":5633,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5632","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5632","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/902"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5632"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5632\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5634,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5632\/revisions\/5634"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5633"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5632"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5632"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5632"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}