{"id":5583,"date":"2022-09-27T12:06:36","date_gmt":"2022-09-27T17:06:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5583"},"modified":"2022-09-27T10:09:25","modified_gmt":"2022-09-27T15:09:25","slug":"move-in-day-drama-first-year-embarrassed-to-have-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2022\/09\/27\/move-in-day-drama-first-year-embarrassed-to-have-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"Move-in-Day Drama: First Year Embarrassed to Have Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"

As students from the Class of 2025 moved into dorms, First Year Tyler Bush was seen accompanied by two older individuals who resembled him. While he assured everybody that they were just two of his adult friends, a major <\/span>Dealer<\/span><\/i>-exclusive investigative report has just uncovered that those are his parents and that Tyler is quite embarrassed of their existence.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI admit it. I thought it would be pretty cool if I had two older friends who just happened to follow me here and help set up my dorm room,\u201d Tyler opened up. \u201cI\u2019m embarrassed to say that those two people actually devoted all their time and care to raising me throughout my life. It\u2019s even worse they\u2019re still here now, lingering, 18 years after making intoxicating love in the Key West Isles.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As Tyler walked around campus, accompanied by Laura and George Bush (no relation), he felt extremely isolated. He noted that everyone else was by themselves, and he was clearly the only one with parents. \u201cWhy couldn\u2019t I have just been produced in a lab so I could be parentless like everyone else? This is so unfair,\u201d Tyler said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Tyler\u2019s roommate Jeb attested, \u201cI actually met Tyler\u2019s parents. They were really sweet, both of our parents are actually having lunch together right now. I\u2019m really confused about what his deal with his parents is. Like, did he just spend all of quarantine by himself or something?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAt this point, I\u2019m desperate. How am I ever gonna get laid if people see me walking around with parents?!\u201d Tyler strained to add. (Tyler immediately clarified he had gotten laid before.) \u201cI\u2019m weighing my options\u2026a restraining order would take too long, but with murder, I might not make it back for Alpha Delt\u2019s Wednesday night\u2019s pledgie night. I bet none of the brothers have parents, those lucky bastards. They\u2019re the only family I need.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

When asked about her son\u2019s erratic behavior, Tyler\u2019s mother said \u201cHe\u2019s a kind and wonderful kid once you get to know him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In a separate interview, Tyler stated: \u201cI hope you didn\u2019t talk to my mom. She\u2019s such a fucking bitch.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI do feel bad for myself,\u201d Tyler added. \u201cI\u2019m really gonna struggle here. I don\u2019t know how I’ll make friends or maintain healthy relationships in life, having such loving, supportive parents. I just don\u2019t understand how someone with that kind of solid support structure could ever find a way to be content in life.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need them, I\u2019m perfectly sufficient on my own,\u201d Tyler said, while drinking a can of Monster Energy Assault\u2122 and eating dry instant ramen. \u201cThey also keep offering to pay for me. I already have an Amex credit card, what do I need them for?\u201d Tyler exclaimed. \u201cI\u2019m perfectly independent now that I\u2019m in college. I can feed myself.\u201d <\/span>The Dealer<\/span><\/i> can exclusively report that he is unaware that his parents finance his $80,000 yearly tuition, in addition to his American Express Blood Diamond\u2122. The Dealer also notes that Tyler has not fed himself once in the 18 years of his life. As his parents left for Walgreens, Tyler pulled up a wikiHow tab entitled \u201cHow to Make a Bowl of Cereal.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

At the time of publication, Tyler was seen eating with his parents at Nella Pizza e Pasta, his head hung in shame. As he reported to the press later that week, he wondered how he\u2019s going to make friends, not sitting at Nella\u2019s cool kids\u2019 orphan table.<\/span> His only regret is that he didn\u2019t, at the very least, seek to maintain his dignity by brooding away the night alone in a damp, darkened cave. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI don\u2019t need them, I\u2019m perfectly sufficient on my own,\u201d Tyler said, while drinking a can of Monster Energy Assault\u2122 and eating dry instant ramen.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5584,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[13],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5583"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5583"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5583\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5585,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5583\/revisions\/5585"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5584"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5583"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5583"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5583"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}