{"id":5559,"date":"2022-08-29T11:43:00","date_gmt":"2022-08-29T16:43:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5559"},"modified":"2022-08-29T11:43:00","modified_gmt":"2022-08-29T16:43:00","slug":"review-locking-your-belt-closed-with-a-padlock-then-forgetting-its-combination","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2022\/08\/29\/review-locking-your-belt-closed-with-a-padlock-then-forgetting-its-combination\/","title":{"rendered":"Review: Locking Your Belt Closed With a Padlock (Then Forgetting Its Combination)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Your belt prevents your pants from falling down, but what prevents your belt from falling down? That\u2019s the idea behind UChicago\u2019s latest new trend: locking your belt closed with a padlock.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Before you ask, and I know you\u2019re thinking it already, no this isn\u2019t a sex thing. Not everything has to be about sex \u2014 get your mind out of the gutter. Some people just feel more secure with a two-pound weight dangling near their crotch. I mean, it\u2019s about keeping your pants on, so it\u2019s more like the opposite of a sex thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now that we\u2019ve got that out of the way, as the <\/span>Chicago Shady Dealer<\/span><\/i>‘s resident menswear reporter, I was recently commissioned to write a review to address the eternal question: should you lock your belt closed with a padlock? My procedure was simple \u2014 I went to the hardware store, bought a combination lock, and went right to work.<\/span><\/p>\n

I have to say, having an additional layer of security keeping you from showing your underwear to the entire world goes a long way towards putting your nagging fears to rest. It used to be that I constantly worried about my pants suddenly falling down like a 1950s cartoon character, but now I\u2019m only worried about that 75% of the time. Sure, the padlock\u2019s a little heavy at times, but that confident feeling is unmatched.<\/span><\/p>\n

Far and away the biggest downside of locking your belt closed with a padlock is that any time you want to take your pants off, you have to remember the combination. You\u2019re tired, you want to lie down, and boom \u2014 your crotch assigns you a math problem. A really hard one, too, because you forgot the combination. It\u2019s not supposed to be mentally challenging to wear pants!<\/span><\/p>\n

Forgetting the combination isn\u2019t just inconvenient, it\u2019s humiliating. You can never take off your padlock. It becomes your shame. You are forced to broadcast to the world that your brain isn\u2019t big enough for three puny little numbers. Something you did to prevent your belt from falling down went disastrously wrong, and you only have yourself to blame.<\/span><\/p>\n

Wait a minute \u2014 the padlock prevents the belt from falling down\u2026 but what prevents the padlock from falling down? Shit. I never thought of that. But if the padlock doesn\u2019t keep your pants up, then\u2026 then what? Where\u2019s the certainty?<\/span><\/p>\n

This thing, it\u2019s gonna be stuck to me for the rest of my life, and it\u2026 it doesn\u2019t even work? Who the fuck came up with this?<\/span><\/p>\n

Okay, fine, I\u2019ll let you in on a little secret: the <\/span>Dealer<\/span><\/i> didn\u2019t ask me to review locking my belt closed with a padlock. Really, nobody did. I made that part up. It was my idea the whole time. I pitched it. I\u2019m the idiot.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I did this to myself.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Before you ask, and I know you\u2019re thinking it already, no this isn\u2019t a sex thing. I mean, it\u2019s about keeping your pants on, so it\u2019s more like the opposite of a sex thing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":425,"featured_media":5560,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[13],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5559"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/425"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5559"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5559\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5561,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5559\/revisions\/5561"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5560"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5559"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5559"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5559"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}