{"id":5147,"date":"2021-10-05T12:00:20","date_gmt":"2021-10-05T17:00:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5147"},"modified":"2021-10-05T21:53:36","modified_gmt":"2021-10-06T02:53:36","slug":"red-october-wellness-czar-overthrown-by-bolsheviks-in-house-council-election","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2021\/10\/05\/red-october-wellness-czar-overthrown-by-bolsheviks-in-house-council-election\/","title":{"rendered":"Red October: Wellness Czar Overthrown by Bolsheviks in House Council Election"},"content":{"rendered":"

This just in: Nicholas Romanov, the longtime Wellness Czar of Salisbury House in Burton-Judson, has been unseated by an anonymous group gaining traction on campus: \u201cThe Wellness Bolsheviks\u201d. According to our sources, the transit of power came about via \u201ca messy health food fight\u201d in the house lounge, rather than an adequate democratic procedure. Some students believe the former WellCzar has made an undercover escape to International House. Resident Assistant of Salisbury House Gregory \u201cRA\u201d Sputin, who reportedly suffered a mild food poisoning amid the coup, declined to comment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Wellsheviks\u2019 political platform centers on socialized healthcare. \u201cYou can\u2019t spell \u2018Well\u2019 without \u2018We\u2019,\u201d opined one of the rebellion leaders, \u201cIf you tried, it’d just be a big L. No, wait, it’d be worse\u2014 it’d<\/span> be two L\u2019s. The second L stands for the \u2018L\u2019 train that you would have to take to get to an affordable hospital. We\u2019re planning to transform one of these L\u2019s into a W. Which stands for \u2018Weed\u2019. I don\u2019t remember what we plan to do with the other L\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

Some insiders allege that the other L has already been turned into a W, which stands for \u201cWorldwide Facebook Outages\u201d. The Wellsheviks are also said to be behind the emergence of a huge groundwater well in the Burton courtyard. Now that one of the water bottle refill stations in Salisbury House has been transformed into a landmark fountain in honor of the revolution, the well serves as a public source of clean water, as well as a home for the Well Nesstor monster. While the Well Nesstor monster\u2019s origin is uncertain, some house members link its identity to Milton Smithson, a second-year political science student who goes on monstrously incoherent rants about how everyone should be free to \u201cnot have to wait in line for a doctor\u2019s appointment for a full fifteen minutes\u201d, even though the system he proposes would put some residents in fifteen years worth of medical debt.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Others believe the well Nesstor monster to really jut be Nestor the midway cat reborn. While we can neither confirm nor deny this allegation, sightings of the monster observed tabby cat-like fur and kind eyes.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

On a more worrisome note, as this article is being published, the newly elected Wellness Soviets are debating possible purges to support the mental health of Salisbury residents. Sources tell us that the plan is to have the purge fall on the day of the gen chem final, since all cheating is allowed. The Wellsheviks call for purging students\u2019 schedules of certain classes, including Organic Chemistry, Experimental Physics, and Introduction to Computer Science II.<\/span><\/p>\n

Special thanks to Frances Poth, the mastermind behind the best pun in this article.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This just in: Nicholas Romanov, the longtime Wellness Czar of Salisbury House in Burton-Judson, has been unseated by an anonymous group gaining traction on campus: \u201cThe Wellness Bolsheviks\u201d. According to our sources, the transit of power came about via \u201ca messy health food fight\u201d in the house lounge, rather than an adequate democratic procedure. Some students believe the former WellCzar has made an undercover escape to International House. Resident Assistant of Salisbury House Gregory \u201cRA\u201d Sputin, who reportedly suffered a mild food poisoning amid the coup, declined to comment.\u00a0 The Wellsheviks\u2019 political platform centers on socialized healthcare. \u201cYou can\u2019t spell \u2018Well\u2019 without \u2018We\u2019,\u201d opined one of the rebellion leaders, \u201cIf you tried, it’d just be a big L. No, wait, it’d be worse\u2014 it’d be two L\u2019s. The second L stands for the \u2018L\u2019 train that you would have to take to get to an affordable hospital. We\u2019re planning to transform one of these L\u2019s into a W. Which stands for \u2018Weed\u2019. I don\u2019t remember what we plan to do with the other L\u201d. Some insiders allege that the other L has already been turned into a W, which stands for \u201cWorldwide Facebook Outages\u201d. The Wellsheviks are also said to be behind the emergence of a huge groundwater well in the Burton courtyard. Now that one of the water bottle refill stations in Salisbury House has been transformed into a landmark fountain in honor of the revolution, the well serves as a public source of clean water, as well as a home for the Well Nesstor monster. While the Well Nesstor monster\u2019s origin is uncertain, some house members link its identity to Milton Smithson, a second-year political science student who goes on monstrously incoherent rants about how everyone should be free to \u201cnot have to wait in line for a doctor\u2019s appointment for a full fifteen minutes\u201d, even though the system he proposes would put some residents in fifteen years worth of medical debt.\u00a0 Others believe the well Nesstor monster to really jut be Nestor the midway cat reborn. While we can neither confirm nor deny this allegation, sightings of the monster observed tabby cat-like fur and kind eyes.\u00a0 On a more worrisome note, as this article is being published, the newly elected Wellness Soviets are debating possible purges to support the mental health of Salisbury residents. Sources tell us that the plan is to have the purge fall on the day of the gen chem final, since all cheating is allowed. The Wellsheviks call for purging students\u2019 schedules of certain classes, including Organic Chemistry, Experimental Physics, and Introduction to Computer Science II. Special thanks to Frances Poth, the mastermind behind the best pun in this article.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":23,"featured_media":5153,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5147","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5147","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/23"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5147"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5147\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5155,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5147\/revisions\/5155"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5153"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5147"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5147"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5147"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}