{"id":5121,"date":"2021-09-26T12:42:47","date_gmt":"2021-09-26T17:42:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=5121"},"modified":"2021-09-23T20:44:50","modified_gmt":"2021-09-24T01:44:50","slug":"sloth-of-bears-reported-inside-pike-fraternity-building","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2021\/09\/26\/sloth-of-bears-reported-inside-pike-fraternity-building\/","title":{"rendered":"Sloth of Bears Reported inside PIKE Fraternity Building"},"content":{"rendered":"

At 9:30 p.m. on Saturday, September 25, a sloth of American black bears (<\/span>Ursus americanus<\/span><\/i>) was reported inside the PIKE fraternity house. After getting over our befuddlement at the fact that a group of bears is apparently called a \u201csloth,\u201d our intrepid reporters quickly rushed to the scene. Dejected PIKE brothers milled about outside as low snuffling and growling sounds emanated from inside the building. Luckily, no one was injured or hurt, but the bears remained on scene, despite the entreaties of all involved for them to \u201cplease go away.\u201d Having nothing better to do, we decided to interview UChicago\u2019s top wildlife biologist and neurology expert, Dr. Ivo Lutton, as to the bears\u2019 motivations and actions.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI have absolutely no clue about what happened just now,\u201d Dr. Lutton told us. \u201cClearly the bears selected the PIKE fraternity building\u2026perhaps they confused PIKE fraternity brothers with pikes as in the kind of river-dwelling fish? That would imply an ability of bears to read English, which would be somewhat unprecedented. In path-breaking studies conducted by researchers at the University of Chicago in the 1960s, the ability of bears to read was measured via neuro-psycho-sociolinguistic-ursological quantitative measurements\u2026\u201d [For our readers\u2019 benefit, we have omitted the following thirty minutes of the interview, as it is an abstruse discussion of statistics that would be incomprehensible and inaccessible to basically anyone.] Dr. Lutton concluded, \u201cI believe further follow-up studies and controlled, randomized trials would be warranted.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Some observers expressed skepticism at the possibility of getting wild bears to sit down and engage in follow-up studies. However, we proved these observers wrong by sending a very-well-paid intern into the building to interview the bears. \u201cYeah, we mistook PIKE fraternity brothers for pike fish,\u201d remarked one of the bears despondently. \u201cI wish someone had told us this distinction beforehand. Everyone ran away from us screaming \u2018oh no call animal control\u2019 and \u2018run for your life,\u2019 but we just wanted to have a nice meal \u2013 we didn\u2019t mean to hurt or scare anyone.\u201d The bears then smashed through the back door and disappeared into the woods.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

At 9:30 p.m. on Saturday, September 25, a sloth of American black bears (Ursus americanus) was reported inside the PIKE fraternity house. After getting over our befuddlement at the fact that a group of bears is apparently called a \u201csloth,\u201d our intrepid reporters quickly rushed to the scene. Dejected PIKE brothers milled about outside as low snuffling and growling sounds emanated from inside the building. Luckily, no one was injured or hurt, but the bears remained on scene, despite the entreaties of all involved for them to \u201cplease go away.\u201d Having nothing better to do, we decided to interview UChicago\u2019s top wildlife biologist and neurology expert, Dr. Ivo Lutton, as to the bears\u2019 motivations and actions. \u201cI have absolutely no clue about what happened just now,\u201d Dr. Lutton told us. \u201cClearly the bears selected the PIKE fraternity building\u2026perhaps they confused PIKE fraternity brothers with pikes as in the kind of river-dwelling fish? That would imply an ability of bears to read English, which would be somewhat unprecedented. In path-breaking studies conducted by researchers at the University of Chicago in the 1960s, the ability of bears to read was measured via neuro-psycho-sociolinguistic-ursological quantitative measurements\u2026\u201d [For our readers\u2019 benefit, we have omitted the following thirty minutes of the interview, as it is an abstruse discussion of statistics that would be incomprehensible and inaccessible to basically anyone.] Dr. Lutton concluded, \u201cI believe further follow-up studies and controlled, randomized trials would be warranted.\u201d Some observers expressed skepticism at the possibility of getting wild bears to sit down and engage in follow-up studies. However, we proved these observers wrong by sending a very-well-paid intern into the building to interview the bears. \u201cYeah, we mistook PIKE fraternity brothers for pike fish,\u201d remarked one of the bears despondently. \u201cI wish someone had told us this distinction beforehand. Everyone ran away from us screaming \u2018oh no call animal control\u2019 and \u2018run for your life,\u2019 but we just wanted to have a nice meal \u2013 we didn\u2019t mean to hurt or scare anyone.\u201d The bears then smashed through the back door and disappeared into the woods.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":426,"featured_media":5123,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5121","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5121","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/426"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5121"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5121\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5124,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5121\/revisions\/5124"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5123"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5121"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5121"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5121"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}