Attention: if you or a loved one lives in University Housing and couldn\u2019t find two matching socks this morning, then this message might concern you.<\/p>\n
If you haven\u2019t already guessed, something\u2019s afoot. Housing Staff were recently busted for installing laundry machines specifically designed to trap socks inside their capsules and retain them when the rest of the load is removed. Said socks would be collected secretly at 9am \u2013 before University students wake up \u2013 packaged, and then sold. Further investigation of the financials implicates University administration. Student victims of the operation have filed a multi-million-dollar class-action lawsuit.<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, we had no choice,\u201d claimed the University Treasurer. \u201cI put the Board\u2019s lunch money for the year in my shoe for safekeeping, and then when I couldn\u2019t find it, I started looking in my socks as well. And then other people\u2019s socks. It\u2019s funny \u2013 I started out with socks and ended up in a suit,\u201d he mused. \u201cBut come on, we\u2019re only turning a 99-cent profit per milkshake and we had to find a way to finish in the black.\u201d<\/p>\n
Surprisingly, many affected students have refused to join in the suit, despite all signs of a handsome settlement. They\u2019re after something else. \u201cWe just want our socks back!\u201d screamed one in an interview, removing his boots to expose his bare trotters. \u201cThese precious lads need clothes this winter as much as you and I. And no, I can\u2019t just get new ones. Do you know how hard it was to get those perfectly tasteful, not-too-revealing holes in them?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI came to this school with like 7 different socks, and now I only have two \u2013 that\u2019s one for each foot. Now there won\u2019t be any on my floor,\u201d remarked another angrily.<\/p>\n
Undergraduate Health and Society major Miles Walker profoundly observed, \u201cVictims of this sandal \u2013 I mean scandal \u2013 will certainly take time to heel, but the sole of our community is now stronger than ever.\u201d<\/p>\n
But Miles probably spoke to soon because socks continue to disappear: apparently the machines, expertly trained for the diabolical task, are still on a mission, now more than ever. And soles across the community are getting pretty gross.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Attention: if you or a loved one lives in University Housing and couldn\u2019t find two matching socks this morning, then this message might concern you. Housing Staff were recently busted for installing laundry machines specifically designed to trap socks inside their capsules and retain them when the rest of the load is removed. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4971,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4968","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4968","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4968"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4968\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4996,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4968\/revisions\/4996"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4971"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4968"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4968"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4968"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}