{"id":4919,"date":"2021-03-07T19:17:25","date_gmt":"2021-03-08T01:17:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=4919"},"modified":"2021-03-07T20:04:08","modified_gmt":"2021-03-08T02:04:08","slug":"canada-goose-wearer-cries-for-ucpd-as-feathers-are-ripped-off-his-back","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/07\/canada-goose-wearer-cries-for-ucpd-as-feathers-are-ripped-off-his-back\/","title":{"rendered":"Canada Goose Wearer Cries for UCPD as Feathers Are Ripped Off His Back\u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cHelp! Help! No, not the Goose please please that was a birthday pres\u2026 huhhhh\u2026 where is UCP-\u201d were the last words of David Vanderbilt, a fourth-year Big Problems Major at the University of Chicago, before he entered a coma after getting the living shit stomped out of him by a local group of aspiring capitalists. Security camera footage showed three masked criminals abiding by the state covid mask mandate sprinting away southbound on University Avenue, leaving a trail of white feathers behind. By the time UCPD arrived at the scene, three days later in response to David\u2019s post-coma call, the feathers had scattered across the Midway.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mr. Vanderbilt\u2019s Big Problems advisor, Professor Michaels, affirmed in an interview that while David was one of the greatest problem solvers the program had ever seen, this big problem was the biggest one yet. During his visit to the UChicago Medical Center, Michaels concluded that David would no longer be able to achieve his degree as a BP major as he \u201cclearly cannot handle what is expected of a Big Problems major.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOur program is designed to produce problem-solvers, not kids who sit on their ass in a hospital bed for three days,\u201d Michaels added.<\/span><\/p>\n

Unfortunately, David could not comment on the situation due to the excruciating pain from opening his jaw. He did, however, text his mother a comforting message. He wrote, \u201cI got this, Mom, it\u2019ll be alright,\u201d to which she replied, \u201cYou\u2019re coming home, Davey.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In an interview, a UCPD officer stated: \u201cIt\u2019s not that there\u2019s a lack of officers, it\u2019s really just that we\u2019re tired of kids wearing Canada Goose jackets. I actually saw what happened to that kid. Yeah, I was there. He had a Goose jacket on. That\u2019s what happened to him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

David and his family are asking fellow UChicago community members not only to send messages of support, but also to send potential jackets to purchase in lieu of his lost feathers.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cHelp! Help! No, not the Goose please please that was a birthday pres\u2026 huhhhh\u2026 where is UCP-\u201d were the last words of David Vanderbilt, a fourth-year Big Problems Major at the University of Chicago, before he entered a coma after getting the living shit stomped out of him by a local group of aspiring capitalists. Security camera footage showed three masked criminals abiding by the state covid mask mandate sprinting away southbound on University Avenue, leaving a trail of white feathers behind. By the time UCPD arrived at the scene, three days later in response to David\u2019s post-coma call, the feathers had scattered across the Midway. Mr. Vanderbilt\u2019s Big Problems advisor, Professor Michaels, affirmed in an interview that while David was one of the greatest problem solvers the program had ever seen, this big problem was the biggest one yet. During his visit to the UChicago Medical Center, Michaels concluded that David would no longer be able to achieve his degree as a BP major as he \u201cclearly cannot handle what is expected of a Big Problems major.\u201d \u201cOur program is designed to produce problem-solvers, not kids who sit on their ass in a hospital bed for three days,\u201d Michaels added. Unfortunately, David could not comment on the situation due to the excruciating pain from opening his jaw. He did, however, text his mother a comforting message. He wrote, \u201cI got this, Mom, it\u2019ll be alright,\u201d to which she replied, \u201cYou\u2019re coming home, Davey.\u201d In an interview, a UCPD officer stated: \u201cIt\u2019s not that there\u2019s a lack of officers, it\u2019s really just that we\u2019re tired of kids wearing Canada Goose jackets. I actually saw what happened to that kid. Yeah, I was there. He had a Goose jacket on. That\u2019s what happened to him.\u201d David and his family are asking fellow UChicago community members not only to send messages of support, but also to send potential jackets to purchase in lieu of his lost feathers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":74,"featured_media":4921,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4919","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4919","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/74"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4919"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4919\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4922,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4919\/revisions\/4922"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4921"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4919"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4919"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4919"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}