In an unwelcome addition to an already stressful week of exams and papers, beloved UChicago mascot Phil the Phoenix is reported to have recently eaten a child. According to all eyewitness accounts, the child was walking on the corner of 57th and Woodlawn when the well-known mythical bird walked up and consumed them.<\/p>\n
\u201cPhil the Phoenix is such a gem,\u201d said Dean Nondorf, Dean of College Admissions at UChicago and complete ignorer of the questions we asked him about the mascot eating a kid. \u201cWe have a little stuffed phoenix Phil that we pose in little spots around the world and take pictures of. It\u2019s very cute.\u201d Nondorf was questioned a few more times about how the mascot ate a human child if it\u2019s just a person in a costume, but Nondorf merely replied \u201cThat seems more like a Dean Boyer question,\u201d\u00a0 and \u201cMascots are fun!\u201d<\/p>\n
Dean Boyer was similarly evasive, noting that \u201cThere are no phoenixes in Austria,\u201d and that \u201cNo thesaurus results were found. Error. Error,\u201d before subsequently shutting down for the day. Michele Rasmussen, however, supported the move, arguing \u201cAcademic discourse cannot occur without discomfort,\u201d and that \u201cBirds should definitely be allowed to eat children below 8, but I would like to make it clear that I am not a bird.\u201d<\/p>\n
Since the incident on Wednesday, Phil the Phoenix has not eaten more children, however one cannot rule out him eating more. Currently, you can find him at Reynolds Club, high-fiving students as we all try to get through this stressful, stressful week.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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