{"id":4358,"date":"2020-10-13T11:39:02","date_gmt":"2020-10-13T04:39:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=4358"},"modified":"2020-10-13T11:39:02","modified_gmt":"2020-10-13T04:39:02","slug":"milkshake-wednesday-to-be-replaced-with-fecal-friday","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2020\/10\/13\/milkshake-wednesday-to-be-replaced-with-fecal-friday\/","title":{"rendered":"Milkshake Wednesday to be Replaced with Fecal Friday"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0Following the University\u2019s suspension of Milkshake Wednesday over social distancing concerns, the administration has begun using Hutchinson Commons as a center for new, rectal COVID-19 diagnostic tests.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cAfter Week 1, we were kinda short on Q-tips,\u201d explained Dr. B.M. Johnson of UChicago Medicine. \u201cI started assigning eight students to a nasal swab, but Zimmer found out, so now we gotta test \u2018em fecally \u2014 this shit\u2019s off the record, right?\u201d Following Dr. Johnson\u2019s firing, hazmat-clad administrators were seen\u00a0 making grad students carry truckloads of Charmin Ultra-Rough, Half-Ply, Quarter-Price toilet paper into the Reynolds Club.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Last Friday, the entire student body stood (six feet apart, of course) in a line beginning somewhere near the South Loop. Once inside Hutch, students masked up (not just for COVID) and squatted over \u201cLife of the Hind\u2122\u201d-branded buckets, several of them holding up laptops to attend Zoom classes. \u201cThe biggest issue so far has been the complaining,\u201d one assistant told us. \u201cEven after we put curtains in, it hasn\u2019t stopped. I don\u2019t get it.\u201d Apparently, none of the students bothered to tell him that sheer curtains are not much help.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0In addition, the process has been hampered by numerous thefts of the school\u2019s fragrance supply. \u201cMediocre milkshakes got me through the week, man,\u201d said third-year Anita Whiff, clutching a gallon of Febreze in her left hand. \u201cWhen they took \u2018em away, I had to go to the hard stuff.\u201d With that, she sprayed the chemical into her red, glassy-eyed face and inhaled deeply. \u201cI would\u2019ve done coffee, but Ex Lib\u2019s on hiatus, so it\u2019ll have to be this and paint.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Given that the debut of this scheme has been an absolute shit sh\u2014 sorry, mess \u2014 administrators are looking into cutting out the middleman and just testing the Bartlett meat directly.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u00a0Following the University\u2019s suspension of Milkshake Wednesday over social distancing concerns, the administration has begun using Hutchinson Commons as a center for new, rectal COVID-19 diagnostic tests.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4359,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4358","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4358","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4358"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4358\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4359"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4358"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4358"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4358"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}