{"id":3925,"date":"2020-05-09T02:13:41","date_gmt":"2020-05-08T19:13:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=3925"},"modified":"2020-05-09T02:13:41","modified_gmt":"2020-05-08T19:13:41","slug":"how-to-look-less-delicious-to-your-roommate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2020\/05\/09\/how-to-look-less-delicious-to-your-roommate\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Look Less Delicious to Your Roommate"},"content":{"rendered":"<ol>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">Don\u2019t shower. Given that you haven\u2019t gone outside in the past two weeks and haven\u2019t seen anyone, this one might already be a given. Showering removes your body\u2019s natural oils and \u201cfunk,\u201d if you will, that signals your roommate that you are a formidable foe. Embrace your natural scent, as it will ward off predators and signal that you are a friend, not food.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ol start=\"2\">\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Eat only raw onions: You may be thinking, what if adding onions only adds to my flavor and makes me more enticing? Indeed, in moderation, onions would be a nice marinade, but here at the Shady Dealer, we don\u2019t believe in moderation. Shovel those layered ground apples in your mouth like it\u2019s an olympic sport until you, yourself start to become an onion. Just like me when I am near Darleen Bradey, the girl who rejected me in high school, they will burst into tears when they share a room with you! Nothing is less appetizing than a pungent, layery person.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ol start=\"3\">\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Look gaunt and sickly. You may already look gaunt and sickly from only eating Adderall and iced coffee for 2 years, but you can never look too disgusting and diseased. We suggest rubbing black eyeliner under your eyes a la Tim Burton or even rocking faux measles with red lipstick. It\u2019s essential that you get absolutely no sun and remain as haggard as humanly possible. Throw in a cough or a limp, and your roommate won\u2019t want to eat you for fear that they, too will fall ill.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ol start=\"4\">\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Establish dominance. In the animal kingdom, the alpha gets the first pick at food and shelter. If you are the alpha and food gets short, it won\u2019t be your flank on the grill. There are a few ways to establish dominance over your roommate including peeing on their belongings or presenting your bright red ass to them and screaming. Your roommate will be too busy bringing <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">you<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400\"> food to see you as delicious.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ol start=\"5\">\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Hold perfectly still when they pass by you. Your roommate is sensitive to motion and can only see you if you move. If all else fails, they will be able to hunt you if you hold perfectly still.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Don\u2019t shower. Given that you haven\u2019t gone outside in the past two weeks and haven\u2019t seen anyone, this one might already be a given. Showering removes your body\u2019s natural oils and \u201cfunk,\u201d if you will, that signals your roommate that you are a formidable foe. Embrace your natural scent, as it will ward off predators and signal that you are a friend, not food. &nbsp; Eat only raw onions: You may be thinking, what if adding onions only adds to my flavor and makes me more enticing? Indeed, in moderation, onions would be a nice marinade, but here at the Shady Dealer, we don\u2019t believe in moderation. Shovel those layered ground apples in your mouth like it\u2019s an olympic sport until you, yourself start to become an onion. Just like me when I am near Darleen Bradey, the girl who rejected me in high school, they will burst into tears when they share a room with you! Nothing is less appetizing than a pungent, layery person. &nbsp; Look gaunt and sickly. You may already look gaunt and sickly from only eating Adderall and iced coffee for 2 years, but you can never look too disgusting and diseased. We suggest rubbing black eyeliner under your eyes a la Tim Burton or even rocking faux measles with red lipstick. It\u2019s essential that you get absolutely no sun and remain as haggard as humanly possible. Throw in a cough or a limp, and your roommate won\u2019t want to eat you for fear that they, too will fall ill.\u00a0 &nbsp; Establish dominance. In the animal kingdom, the alpha gets the first pick at food and shelter. If you are the alpha and food gets short, it won\u2019t be your flank on the grill. There are a few ways to establish dominance over your roommate including peeing on their belongings or presenting your bright red ass to them and screaming. Your roommate will be too busy bringing you food to see you as delicious.\u00a0 &nbsp; Hold perfectly still when they pass by you. Your roommate is sensitive to motion and can only see you if you move. If all else fails, they will be able to hunt you if you hold perfectly still.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3925","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3925","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3925"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3925\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3925"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3925"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3925"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}