{"id":3699,"date":"2019-10-06T06:38:15","date_gmt":"2019-10-05T23:38:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=3699"},"modified":"2022-07-26T15:07:44","modified_gmt":"2022-07-26T20:07:44","slug":"uchicagos-quest-for-the-perfect-ranking","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2019\/10\/06\/uchicagos-quest-for-the-perfect-ranking\/","title":{"rendered":"UChicago\u2019s Quest for The Perfect Ranking"},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s 2019 and Ash has finally became the champion of the Pok\u00e9mon League, but the University of Chicago has once again been denied the coveted title of the #1 ranking among U.S. universities. We, the crack-fueled investigative staff here at <\/span>The Shady Dealer<\/span><\/i>, have set out to determine why UChicago could not be the very best, like no one ever was. Here are our findings.<\/span><\/p>\n

Some people interviewed by <\/span>Shady Dealer <\/span><\/i>staff cited outlandish reasons for UChicago\u2019s loss, chief among them the frantic desire to increase selectivity and a system that fails to adequately staff counseling services despite placing students under a huge amount of mental and emotional pressure. However, we interviewed some much more sensible people who blamed UChicago\u2019s defeat on \u201cthe global warming conspiracy\u201d keeping Chicago winters colder and a \u201cHarvard Lampoon cabal\u201d which\u2019s sole goal is to prank the UChicago community.<\/span><\/p>\n

We have also interviewed Dean Boyer in order to give a voice to the campus administration in the<\/span> Shady Dealer<\/span><\/i>. (Our editors have granted a one-time exception for such an event.) When we entered his office, wearing hats, sunglasses, and fake mustaches to disguise our reporter identities, we saw a scene of chaos. Papers were strewn over the darkened room, the shades were drawn, and Dean Boyer sat at his desk, hanging his head in shame while an aria from <\/span>G\u00f6tterd\u00e4mmerung <\/span><\/i>blared loudly in the background. Having noticed us, he quickly switched off the music and looked at us with sad eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI did everything I was supposed to,\u201d Dean Boyer told us. \u201cI worked with President Zimmer to increase the selectivity of the school and raise tuition again, I added more pre-professional majors like business econ, and I even set up a committee to explore switching us to the semester system! I\u2019m just emulating Harvard \u2013 that should have gotten us the #1 ranking!\u201d We chose not to point out to him that Harvard has, unlike UChicago, recognized its graduate student union. \u201cI feel like Emperor Charles I and IV of Austria-Hungary in 1918: the beautiful entity I\u2019m responsible for overseeing is falling apart. What am I supposed to do now? How can I make President Zimmer\u2026er, how can I make our institution the supreme leader of schools?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLook!\u201d he continued, brandishing the <\/span>U.S. News & World Report <\/span><\/i>in our faces. \u201cThese subcategories are outrageous!\u201d He flung open the report and began reading aloud furiously. \u201cThe only area we were ranked #1 in was for campus satirical newspapers!\u201d (This came as a pleasant surprise to us.) \u201cWe were ranked #4 in campus boring newspapers, #19 in modern dorm architecture, and #258 in Antarctica research base funding!\u201d We were a little unnerved by his sudden switch to undistilled anger, but we asked him what his plan was to improve UChicago\u2019s ranking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m pondering going through with the switch to the semester system, creating a new Department of Climatology to geo-engineer the microclimate and replicate Harvard\u2019s microclimate, and seeking a donation from Kenneth C. Griffin to buy out the salaries of all of Harvard\u2019s faculty and get them to come here,\u201d he responded. Visibly cheered up by his plan, Dean Boyer sprung from his desk, flicked the lights on, and skipped out the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

We last saw Dean Boyer in athletic clothes pushing a boulder up a nearby hill. \u201cI push it almost all the way to the top, then I let it roll down to the bottom again\u2026rinse and repeat,\u201d he said happily. \u201cIt\u2019s my daily workout.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s 2019 and Ash has finally became the champion of the Pok\u00e9mon League, but the University of Chicago has once again been denied the coveted title of the #1 ranking among U.S. universities. We, the crack-fueled investigative staff here at The Shady Dealer, have set out to determine why UChicago could not be the very best, like no one ever was. Here are our findings. Some people interviewed by Shady Dealer staff cited outlandish reasons for UChicago\u2019s loss, chief among them the frantic desire to increase selectivity and a system that fails to adequately staff counseling services despite placing students under a huge amount of mental and emotional pressure. However, we interviewed some much more sensible people who blamed UChicago\u2019s defeat on \u201cthe global warming conspiracy\u201d keeping Chicago winters colder and a \u201cHarvard Lampoon cabal\u201d which\u2019s sole goal is to prank the UChicago community. We have also interviewed Dean Boyer in order to give a voice to the campus administration in the Shady Dealer. (Our editors have granted a one-time exception for such an event.) When we entered his office, wearing hats, sunglasses, and fake mustaches to disguise our reporter identities, we saw a scene of chaos. Papers were strewn over the darkened room, the shades were drawn, and Dean Boyer sat at his desk, hanging his head in shame while an aria from G\u00f6tterd\u00e4mmerung blared loudly in the background. Having noticed us, he quickly switched off the music and looked at us with sad eyes. \u201cI did everything I was supposed to,\u201d Dean Boyer told us. \u201cI worked with President Zimmer to increase the selectivity of the school and raise tuition again, I added more pre-professional majors like business econ, and I even set up a committee to explore switching us to the semester system! I\u2019m just emulating Harvard \u2013 that should have gotten us the #1 ranking!\u201d We chose not to point out to him that Harvard has, unlike UChicago, recognized its graduate student union. \u201cI feel like Emperor Charles I and IV of Austria-Hungary in 1918: the beautiful entity I\u2019m responsible for overseeing is falling apart. What am I supposed to do now? How can I make President Zimmer\u2026er, how can I make our institution the supreme leader of schools?\u201d \u201cLook!\u201d he continued, brandishing the U.S. News & World Report in our faces. \u201cThese subcategories are outrageous!\u201d He flung open the report and began reading aloud furiously. \u201cThe only area we were ranked #1 in was for campus satirical newspapers!\u201d (This came as a pleasant surprise to us.) \u201cWe were ranked #4 in campus boring newspapers, #19 in modern dorm architecture, and #258 in Antarctica research base funding!\u201d We were a little unnerved by his sudden switch to undistilled anger, but we asked him what his plan was to improve UChicago\u2019s ranking. \u201cI\u2019m pondering going through with the switch to the semester system, creating a new Department of Climatology to geo-engineer the microclimate and replicate Harvard\u2019s microclimate, and seeking a donation from Kenneth C. Griffin to buy out the salaries of all of Harvard\u2019s faculty and get them to come here,\u201d he responded. Visibly cheered up by his plan, Dean Boyer sprung from his desk, flicked the lights on, and skipped out the door. We last saw Dean Boyer in athletic clothes pushing a boulder up a nearby hill. \u201cI push it almost all the way to the top, then I let it roll down to the bottom again\u2026rinse and repeat,\u201d he said happily. \u201cIt\u2019s my daily workout.\u201d  <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":426,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3699","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3699","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/426"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3699"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3699\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5482,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3699\/revisions\/5482"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3699"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3699"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3699"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}