{"id":3697,"date":"2019-10-06T06:23:49","date_gmt":"2019-10-05T23:23:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=3697"},"modified":"2019-10-06T07:24:54","modified_gmt":"2019-10-06T00:24:54","slug":"new-study-says-making-your-bed-is-for-jackasses","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2019\/10\/06\/new-study-says-making-your-bed-is-for-jackasses\/","title":{"rendered":"New Study Says Making Your Bed is For Jackasses"},"content":{"rendered":"

Scientists this week announced the results of their groundbreaking study on bed-making at the Chicago Decision Research Lab. The study, which lasted for over a decade and measured factors such as overall orderliness, friendliness, and student success after graduation, concluded decisively that people who manage to make their beds every day during college and beyond are, in fact, jackasses.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cThe numbers simply don\u2019t lie,\u201d said Dr. Jennifer Wheatley, senior researcher at the CDRL and head of the study. \u201cStudents who not only get out of bed every day but also maintain their childhood regimens of bed-making into adulthood are just the worst kind of people.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In interviews with subjects who succeeded in completing this entirely unnecessary task all four years of college, researchers asked questions that many wanted answers to, such as \u201cWhat stick up your ass made you care so much about nothing?\u201d and \u201cWho the hell are you trying to impress?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Responses were varied but pointed to an overall trend where bed-making affinity correlated with avoidance of parties and discipline-seeking in sexual situations. When asked to explain the correlation in these diverse phenomena, Dr. Wheatley replied, \u201cOur study found that it was statistically likely that these bed-making individuals just need to chill the fuck out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

However, other scientists have proposed alternative explanations. Notably, Dr. Jerry Jarvis of Northwestern University has focused on the subliminal presence of the parental figure in the subconscious as the key explanatory variable. \u201cThe fixation on parental discipline prevents emotional maturation and leads to interpersonal conflicts, all of which can be seen in individuals who obsessively do dumb Baby Boomer shit like making their beds.\u201d These conflicts, Dr. Jarvis says, are what makes these people such goddamn assholes.<\/span><\/p>\n

While scientists remain divided in their explanations for why anyone would act this way, the CRDL\u2019s study provides substantial evidence in favor of the \u201cjackass claim\u201d for the bed-maker personality type, rivalled only by the \u201cMommy\u2019s Boy \/ Daddy\u2019s Girl (MBDG) claim.\u201d To summarize the results of the study, Dr. Wheatley was asked to comment on this qualitative judgment of her subjects.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhile bed-makers are certainly terrible,\u201d answered Dr. Wheatley, \u201cat least they aren\u2019t in Student Government.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Scientists this week announced the results of their groundbreaking study on bed-making at the Chicago Decision Research Lab. The study, which lasted for over a decade and measured factors such as overall orderliness, friendliness, and student success after graduation, concluded decisively that people who manage to make their beds every day during college and beyond are, in fact, jackasses. \u00a0\u201cThe numbers simply don\u2019t lie,\u201d said Dr. Jennifer Wheatley, senior researcher at the CDRL and head of the study. \u201cStudents who not only get out of bed every day but also maintain their childhood regimens of bed-making into adulthood are just the worst kind of people.\u201d In interviews with subjects who succeeded in completing this entirely unnecessary task all four years of college, researchers asked questions that many wanted answers to, such as \u201cWhat stick up your ass made you care so much about nothing?\u201d and \u201cWho the hell are you trying to impress?\u201d Responses were varied but pointed to an overall trend where bed-making affinity correlated with avoidance of parties and discipline-seeking in sexual situations. When asked to explain the correlation in these diverse phenomena, Dr. Wheatley replied, \u201cOur study found that it was statistically likely that these bed-making individuals just need to chill the fuck out.\u201d However, other scientists have proposed alternative explanations. Notably, Dr. Jerry Jarvis of Northwestern University has focused on the subliminal presence of the parental figure in the subconscious as the key explanatory variable. \u201cThe fixation on parental discipline prevents emotional maturation and leads to interpersonal conflicts, all of which can be seen in individuals who obsessively do dumb Baby Boomer shit like making their beds.\u201d These conflicts, Dr. Jarvis says, are what makes these people such goddamn assholes. While scientists remain divided in their explanations for why anyone would act this way, the CRDL\u2019s study provides substantial evidence in favor of the \u201cjackass claim\u201d for the bed-maker personality type, rivalled only by the \u201cMommy\u2019s Boy \/ Daddy\u2019s Girl (MBDG) claim.\u201d To summarize the results of the study, Dr. Wheatley was asked to comment on this qualitative judgment of her subjects. \u201cWhile bed-makers are certainly terrible,\u201d answered Dr. Wheatley, \u201cat least they aren\u2019t in Student Government.\u201d  <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":74,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3697","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3697","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/74"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3697"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3697\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3702,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3697\/revisions\/3702"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3697"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3697"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3697"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}