{"id":3694,"date":"2019-10-06T06:08:03","date_gmt":"2019-10-05T23:08:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=3694"},"modified":"2019-10-06T06:08:03","modified_gmt":"2019-10-05T23:08:03","slug":"is-uchicago-able-to-defend-itself-from-roaming-barbarian-hordes-a-review-of-the-campuss-defensive-capacities-as-a-medieval-castle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2019\/10\/06\/is-uchicago-able-to-defend-itself-from-roaming-barbarian-hordes-a-review-of-the-campuss-defensive-capacities-as-a-medieval-castle\/","title":{"rendered":"Is UChicago Able to Defend Itself from Roaming Barbarian Hordes? A Review of the Campus’s Defensive Capacities as a Medieval Castle"},"content":{"rendered":"

We hear it all the time from fiendishly nerdy propsies and overly eager first years: \u201cOMG, Kayla, <\/span>look<\/span><\/i>, this place is a castle. OMG, can you believe it, we go to <\/span>Hogwarts<\/span><\/i>? XD.\u201d But tall, stupidly arranged towers and methed-up gargoyles does not a castle make. Let\u2019s be honest here, you don\u2019t have a <\/span>real<\/span><\/i> castle unless it can successfully repel roaming maraudeurs or propel soft power and a strong message to the peasants surrounding it. That message being: Fuck off, you dirty poor folk.<\/span><\/p>\n

And while many members of the campus community will take to sending that same message by wearing Canada Goose this fall, the question still persists: Is UChicago a viable castle? We know it can successfully defend our virginities and repel attacks from healthy living habits and the 21st century, but can UChicago stand up to the good ole\u2019 roaming barbarian horde?<\/span><\/p>\n

For this report, the <\/span>Shady Dealer<\/span><\/i> contacted the best and brightest of minds on castle defense: some MUN kid who had over 1300 hours in <\/span>Medieval II: Total War<\/span><\/i>. Working with that expert, Devin Biswas, we compiled this brief report,* outlining the pros and cons of the defensive abilities of the campus.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Pros<\/b><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Gargoyles are scary<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Confusing to navigate, outdated buildings pose threat to invaders<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Actual parapets on some buildings<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Many internal divisions (in more ways than one) and defensive gatehouses<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> The Reg<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Snell-Hitchcock\u2019s natural smell a form of biological warfare<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Students often get tricked into being imprisoned for four years<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Natural water supply in Botany Pond<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Midway forms a defensive moat<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Lack of parking makes it harder to mount an assault<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Rockefeller basically an ivory tower<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Dean Boyer on a bike is an amazing scout<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Weebs have been studying the blade their entire lives<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> The basement of Cobb is basically a dungeon<\/span><\/p>\n

+<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span> Some lady on the street once told me that they keep monkeys under the campus for torturing and stuff, so there\u2019s that<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Cons<\/b><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> Students too overworked and out-of-shape to aid in the defense<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> Ivy susceptible to fire<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> Gigantic fucking gap in defenses on the east side of the quad<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> Squirrels are the enemy<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> South and BJ even more isolated than I am socially<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> Honestly what the fuck is Max P?<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> Hospital is outside of the defensive perimeter<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> Where are the fucking machicolations?!<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> Molecular engineers can\u2019t substitute for siege engineers<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> Econ bros too eager to ransom themselves off to daddy<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> No central keep<\/span><\/p>\n

–<\/span> \u00a0 <\/span> Statue of Linn\u00e9 doesn\u2019t come to life like in <\/span>Harry Potter<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Overall, UChicago \u2014 if given ample time to prepare, barricade some of its deficient exterior walls, and import some actually athletic students \u2014 could successfully withstand a barbarian <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We hear it all the time from fiendishly nerdy propsies and overly eager first years: \u201cOMG, Kayla, look, this place is a castle. OMG, can you believe it, we go to Hogwarts? XD.\u201d But tall, stupidly arranged towers and methed-up gargoyles does not a castle make. Let\u2019s be honest here, you don\u2019t have a real castle unless it can successfully repel roaming maraudeurs or propel soft power and a strong message to the peasants surrounding it. That message being: Fuck off, you dirty poor folk. And while many members of the campus community will take to sending that same message by wearing Canada Goose this fall, the question still persists: Is UChicago a viable castle? We know it can successfully defend our virginities and repel attacks from healthy living habits and the 21st century, but can UChicago stand up to the good ole\u2019 roaming barbarian horde? For this report, the Shady Dealer contacted the best and brightest of minds on castle defense: some MUN kid who had over 1300 hours in Medieval II: Total War. Working with that expert, Devin Biswas, we compiled this brief report,* outlining the pros and cons of the defensive abilities of the campus. Pros +\u00a0 Gargoyles are scary +\u00a0 Confusing to navigate, outdated buildings pose threat to invaders +\u00a0 Actual parapets on some buildings +\u00a0 Many internal divisions (in more ways than one) and defensive gatehouses +\u00a0 The Reg +\u00a0 Snell-Hitchcock\u2019s natural smell a form of biological warfare +\u00a0 Students often get tricked into being imprisoned for four years +\u00a0 Natural water supply in Botany Pond +\u00a0 Midway forms a defensive moat +\u00a0 Lack of parking makes it harder to mount an assault +\u00a0 Rockefeller basically an ivory tower +\u00a0 Dean Boyer on a bike is an amazing scout +\u00a0 Weebs have been studying the blade their entire lives +\u00a0 The basement of Cobb is basically a dungeon +\u00a0 Some lady on the street once told me that they keep monkeys under the campus for torturing and stuff, so there\u2019s that \u00a0 Cons – \u00a0 Students too overworked and out-of-shape to aid in the defense – \u00a0 Ivy susceptible to fire – \u00a0 Gigantic fucking gap in defenses on the east side of the quad – \u00a0 Squirrels are the enemy – \u00a0 South and BJ even more isolated than I am socially – \u00a0 Honestly what the fuck is Max P? – \u00a0 Hospital is outside of the defensive perimeter – \u00a0 Where are the fucking machicolations?! – \u00a0 Molecular engineers can\u2019t substitute for siege engineers – \u00a0 Econ bros too eager to ransom themselves off to daddy – \u00a0 No central keep – \u00a0 Statue of Linn\u00e9 doesn\u2019t come to life like in Harry Potter Overall, UChicago \u2014 if given ample time to prepare, barricade some of its deficient exterior walls, and import some actually athletic students \u2014 could successfully withstand a barbarian<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3695,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3694","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3694","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3694"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3694\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3695"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3694"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3694"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3694"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}