{"id":3692,"date":"2019-10-06T05:59:50","date_gmt":"2019-10-05T22:59:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=3692"},"modified":"2019-10-06T05:59:50","modified_gmt":"2019-10-05T22:59:50","slug":"what-to-do-if-you-call-your-rh-mom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2019\/10\/06\/what-to-do-if-you-call-your-rh-mom\/","title":{"rendered":"What To Do If You Call Your RH \u201cMom\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

We\u2019ve all been there: it\u2019s O-Week and you\u2019re having dinner at your house table. The food is feeling especially Bartlett-y today. You ask your RH to pass you the salt for some much needed flavour, and then two fatal words slip out of your mouth \u201cThanks, Mom.\u201d The dining hall goes quiet.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What do you do?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pretend like nothing ever happened\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

Easier said than done. When we say pretend like nothing happened, we mean nothing. Forever. This is an all out ghosting of the next four years of your college experience. You\u2019ll take a vow of silence, wear a burlap sack over your body and only eat jello out of a camelback for the next 4 years as you pretend this and nothing else will ever happen again. To get people to forget about this, you must make them forget about you and that you ever existed.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yell \u201cfood fight!\u201d\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

Come on, you know you\u2019ve always wanted to do this one. Ever since you saw Robin WiIlliams do it in<\/span> Hook, <\/span><\/i>every waking moment has been consumed with a desire to be the Braveheart-esque figure of the cafeteria who yells \u201cfood fight\u201d and throws mashed potatoes in Ms. Rafferty\u2019s face. College is a time to be who you weren\u2019t qualified enough to be in high school. Go on, be the hero.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sure, maybe no one will react and you\u2019ll be the guy who was escorted out of Bartlett in pursuit of this \u2018fun\u2019 I\u2019ve heard so much about, but at least people will forget about the mom stuff.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You\u2019re at UChicago, talk about Freud\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

Speaking of \u201cmom stuff,\u201d it\u2019s time to pull out the big guns. If you want people to forget about mom-gate, just launch into the Freud monologue you had saved for SOSC and then sit back and watch the world burn. Watch as you peers stumble over themselves to prove you wrong, barely able to contain themselves as they deride your reading of the Oedipus complex as \u201ctrite\u201d and your insights as \u201ctrivial.\u201d Marvel at the lengths some will go to in their pursuit of being \u201cthe devil\u2019s advocate\u201d as they rush to your defense, ill-advised as it may be, as they proudly declare to anyone who will listen,\u201cso he wants to fuck his mom, so what?\u201d like the free thinkers they are. And finally, bask in the glorious chaos of the discourse you\u2019ve created as memes are made and Viewpoint Op-eds that no one asked for are published, defending and attacking a take that didn\u2019t have much substance anyway. Welcome to the big leagues, kid.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Play \u201cHere comes the airplane!\u201d\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

That\u2019s right, commit. All the way. Your RH is now your mother and you are her bosom babe. Now eat your spinach baby so you can grow big and strong. Here comes the airplane, fwooosshhhhhhhhhh!<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Fast travel out of there!<\/b><\/p>\n

You\u2019ll be leaving the haters in the dust when you open your mini map, select \u201chome,\u201d and wake up back in your dorm room far far away. It\u2019s escapism at its finest. Those rubes back in bartlett will be all like, \u201cwhat, where did he go? I was just about to point and laugh, now what am I to do?\u201d in their little rube-y voices, and you\u2019ll be all like \u201cYay technology!\u201d. What a load of rubes, you\u2019ll show them!<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Call your real mom, ask her to pick you up<\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I guess college didn\u2019t work out. That\u2019s okay, we weren\u2019t in the top 5 anyway. Better luck next time, bucco. I hear Northwestern could use someone like you. I\u2019m sure mommy\u2019s cookies will make it all better though.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We\u2019ve all been there: it\u2019s O-Week and you\u2019re having dinner at your house table. The food is feeling especially Bartlett-y today. You ask your RH to pass you the salt for some much needed flavour, and then two fatal words slip out of your mouth \u201cThanks, Mom.\u201d The dining hall goes quiet.\u00a0 What do you do?\u00a0   Pretend like nothing ever happened\u00a0 Easier said than done. When we say pretend like nothing happened, we mean nothing. Forever. This is an all out ghosting of the next four years of your college experience. You\u2019ll take a vow of silence, wear a burlap sack over your body and only eat jello out of a camelback for the next 4 years as you pretend this and nothing else will ever happen again. To get people to forget about this, you must make them forget about you and that you ever existed.   Yell \u201cfood fight!\u201d\u00a0 Come on, you know you\u2019ve always wanted to do this one. Ever since you saw Robin WiIlliams do it in Hook, every waking moment has been consumed with a desire to be the Braveheart-esque figure of the cafeteria who yells \u201cfood fight\u201d and throws mashed potatoes in Ms. Rafferty\u2019s face. College is a time to be who you weren\u2019t qualified enough to be in high school. Go on, be the hero. Sure, maybe no one will react and you\u2019ll be the guy who was escorted out of Bartlett in pursuit of this \u2018fun\u2019 I\u2019ve heard so much about, but at least people will forget about the mom stuff.   You\u2019re at UChicago, talk about Freud\u00a0 Speaking of \u201cmom stuff,\u201d it\u2019s time to pull out the big guns. If you want people to forget about mom-gate, just launch into the Freud monologue you had saved for SOSC and then sit back and watch the world burn. Watch as you peers stumble over themselves to prove you wrong, barely able to contain themselves as they deride your reading of the Oedipus complex as \u201ctrite\u201d and your insights as \u201ctrivial.\u201d Marvel at the lengths some will go to in their pursuit of being \u201cthe devil\u2019s advocate\u201d as they rush to your defense, ill-advised as it may be, as they proudly declare to anyone who will listen,\u201cso he wants to fuck his mom, so what?\u201d like the free thinkers they are. And finally, bask in the glorious chaos of the discourse you\u2019ve created as memes are made and Viewpoint Op-eds that no one asked for are published, defending and attacking a take that didn\u2019t have much substance anyway. Welcome to the big leagues, kid.\u00a0   Play \u201cHere comes the airplane!\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s right, commit. All the way. Your RH is now your mother and you are her bosom babe. Now eat your spinach baby so you can grow big and strong. Here comes the airplane, fwooosshhhhhhhhhh!   Fast travel out of there! You\u2019ll be leaving the haters in the dust when you open your mini map, select \u201chome,\u201d and wake up back in your dorm room far far away. It\u2019s escapism at its finest. Those rubes back in bartlett will be all like, \u201cwhat, where did he go? I was just about to point and laugh, now what am I to do?\u201d in their little rube-y voices, and you\u2019ll be all like \u201cYay technology!\u201d. What a load of rubes, you\u2019ll show them!   Call your real mom, ask her to pick you up\u00a0 I guess college didn\u2019t work out. That\u2019s okay, we weren\u2019t in the top 5 anyway. Better luck next time, bucco. I hear Northwestern could use someone like you. I\u2019m sure mommy\u2019s cookies will make it all better though.\u00a0  <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":74,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3692","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3692","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/74"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3692"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3692\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3692"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3692"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3692"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}