{"id":3566,"date":"2022-01-27T15:38:28","date_gmt":"2022-01-27T21:38:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=3566"},"modified":"2022-04-17T21:12:46","modified_gmt":"2022-04-18T02:12:46","slug":"3-sex-poems-from-my-poetry-workshop-that-scream-im-a-virgin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2022\/01\/27\/3-sex-poems-from-my-poetry-workshop-that-scream-im-a-virgin\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Sex Poems from My Poetry Workshop That Scream \u201cI\u2019m a Virgin\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"
When I signed up for this poetry workshop, I had no idea that the people in it would be so horny \u2014 or so repressed. Somehow, every single poem submitted has been explicitly sexual, and all of them prove, absolutely and irrevocably, that the people who wrote them have never had sex. From lines like \u201cmy ithyphallic obelisk\u201d to the anatomically inexplicable \u201cmy lips engulfed her hips and pushed through her waist\u201d, these writers have proved that none of them have ever so much as grinded on someone at a finals week bar night. So without further ado, here are the top 3 poems from my poetry workshop that prove their writers are total fucking virgins: <\/span><\/h5>\n

 <\/b><\/p>\n

3. \u201cMillennial Salad Fruitings\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

We giggle in the kitchen, toss our heads and <\/span><\/p>\n

roll around like the ripest fruits in a fruit salad.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/b><\/p>\n

Trailing lumps of pomelos<\/span><\/p>\n

over each other\u2019s lemony bodies,<\/span><\/p>\n

Suck the meat, so sweet, like banana. You scream,<\/span><\/p>\n

piercing as the sound of grapes, <\/span><\/p>\n

and it wakes my empty limes of silence.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/b><\/p>\n

Gently, the taste of clementines<\/span><\/p>\n

on your papaya-sweet moans, flying into<\/span><\/p>\n

The end of the pantry\u2019s full,<\/span><\/p>\n

bursting tomatoes, release<\/span><\/p>\n

the Juice.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/b><\/p>\n

What this poem has to do with millennials is beyond me. Though sticky fruit sex is indeed a popular millennial kink — trust me, I would know — the most popular sex fruits are not papayas or pomelos but rather peaches and grapefruits, as seen in this decade\u2019s iconic masterpieces <\/span>Call Me by Your Name<\/span> (2017) and <\/span>Girl\u2019s Trip<\/span> (2017). Also, tomatoes are not a fruit. To the guy who came up with this poem: not only are you a total virgin who has probably never even sucked a banana in public, you\u2019re also an embarrassment to fruit lovers everywhere. Tomatoes are fucking vegetables. Everyone knows that. Someone fetch me a grapefruit spoon \u2014 there are too many eyeballs in my head.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/b><\/p>\n

2. \u201cThe Impossible Tiger: She\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I watch her bobbing, shiny rounds.<\/span><\/p>\n

A pair of lusty diamonds. <\/span><\/p>\n

She craves me. I\u2019m family jewels deep inside her \u2014 her heart.<\/span><\/p>\n

She is a construction worker. I am a soon-to-be-built obelisk.<\/span><\/p>\n

But when demolition comes, she\u2019ll see my wrecking balls.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

No one who has seen breasts would ever refer to them as \u201clusty diamonds\u201d. No one who has had sex would ever describe it with \u201cI\u2019m family jewels deep inside her\u201d. And what the hell is that construction metaphor at the end of the poem? If you come up with a theme, stick to it! Also, come up with a better title. We see the initials. You\u2019re not subtle.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/b><\/p>\n

1. \u201cchemistry\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

sometimes<\/span><\/p>\n

i think<\/span><\/p>\n

about that<\/span><\/p>\n

summer night<\/span><\/p>\n

impassioned<\/span><\/p>\n

i went 3 hours<\/span><\/p>\n

without release <\/span><\/p>\n

in the soft shudder of moonlight <\/span><\/p>\n

waves pounded the shore <\/span><\/p>\n

but not as hard as <\/span><\/p>\n

my pulsating member <\/span><\/p>\n

pounded her cervical <\/span>wal<\/span>l<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Jesus Christ, Shane. This is why you can’t get a girlfriend.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I signed up for this poetry workshop, I had no idea that the people in it would be so horny \u2014 or so repressed. Somehow, every single poem submitted has been explicitly sexual, and all of them prove, absolutely and irrevocably, that the people who wrote them have never had sex. From lines like \u201cmy ithyphallic obelisk\u201d to the anatomically inexplicable \u201cmy lips engulfed her hips and pushed through her waist\u201d, these writers have proved that none of them have ever so much as grinded on someone at a finals week bar night. So without further ado, here are the top 3 poems from my poetry workshop that prove their writers are total fucking virgins:   3. \u201cMillennial Salad Fruitings\u201d We giggle in the kitchen, toss our heads and roll around like the ripest fruits in a fruit salad.   Trailing lumps of pomelos over each other\u2019s lemony bodies, Suck the meat, so sweet, like banana. You scream, piercing as the sound of grapes, and it wakes my empty limes of silence.   Gently, the taste of clementines on your papaya-sweet moans, flying into The end of the pantry\u2019s full, bursting tomatoes, release the Juice.   What this poem has to do with millennials is beyond me. Though sticky fruit sex is indeed a popular millennial kink — trust me, I would know — the most popular sex fruits are not papayas or pomelos but rather peaches and grapefruits, as seen in this decade\u2019s iconic masterpieces Call Me by Your Name (2017) and Girl\u2019s Trip (2017). Also, tomatoes are not a fruit. To the guy who came up with this poem: not only are you a total virgin who has probably never even sucked a banana in public, you\u2019re also an embarrassment to fruit lovers everywhere. Tomatoes are fucking vegetables. Everyone knows that. Someone fetch me a grapefruit spoon \u2014 there are too many eyeballs in my head.   2. \u201cThe Impossible Tiger: She\u201d I watch her bobbing, shiny rounds. A pair of lusty diamonds. She craves me. I\u2019m family jewels deep inside her \u2014 her heart. She is a construction worker. I am a soon-to-be-built obelisk. But when demolition comes, she\u2019ll see my wrecking balls.   No one who has seen breasts would ever refer to them as \u201clusty diamonds\u201d. No one who has had sex would ever describe it with \u201cI\u2019m family jewels deep inside her\u201d. And what the hell is that construction metaphor at the end of the poem? If you come up with a theme, stick to it! Also, come up with a better title. We see the initials. You\u2019re not subtle.   1. \u201cchemistry\u201d sometimes i think about that summer night impassioned i went 3 hours without release in the soft shudder of moonlight waves pounded the shore but not as hard as my pulsating member pounded her cervical wall Jesus Christ, Shane. This is why you can’t get a girlfriend.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[16,13],"tags":[23],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3566"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3566"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3566\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5407,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3566\/revisions\/5407"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3566"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3566"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3566"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}