Have you ever wanted to work at the most deeply unsettling coffee shop on campus? Are you not beautiful enough to dare step foot behind the bar at Harper? Have you always dreamed of being a bridge troll, confined to the dark damp subterranean world and asking riddles of those who cross your path? Perhaps Cobb Caf\u00e9 is your place. Many students seeking employment on campus are confused as to how they can get a coveted coffee shop job. With your useless degree and overall unemployability, why not build skills for your future career as an assistant manager at a local Caribou Coffee? Here\u2019s how to become a \u201cbarista\u201d at Cobb Caf\u00e9.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Send in Your Resum\u00e9<\/p>\n
The first step to getting any job is to send in your resum\u00e9. Cobb Caf\u00e9 accepts resum\u00e9s on Friday the 13th, but only via pigeon messenger. Background in falconry and necromancy are preferred. Special preference is given to those proficient in backwards Latin and Romanian.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The Callback<\/p>\n
If you are granted an interview at Cobb Caf\u00e9, the ghost of William Rainey Harper will possess you for a brief moment. Be careful, because you could also be possessed by John D. Rockefeller as a sign of rejection. The best way to know if you have been possessed by William Rainey Harper and not John D Rockefeller is to know what to expect. For both, you will projectile vomit, speak in tongues, and your head will spin in circles. If you are possessed by Rockefeller, you will be dragged down to hell to go live with other industrialists of the time, and your head will spin clockwise, not counterclockwise. If you wake up in the middle of the quad with a wicked neckache surrounded by terrified prospies, it\u2019s time to do the interview.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The Interview<\/p>\n
If you have passed the first two trials, you will proceed to Cobb\u2019s interview process. You must go to the roof of Snitchcock on the night of the full moon and say \u201cDoc Films\u201d three times at the stroke of midnight. A white person with dreadlocks will appear before you and ask a series of questions about obscure indie bands. You must not look up from your phone while answering them. If you have passed the test, the man will ask you for an iced coffee, to which you must say, \u201cIF YOU WANTED ICED COFFEE, YOU SHOULDA GONE TO EX LIBRIS!\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Your Hat<\/p>\n
If you answer the final question with enough contempt and smugness, you will be given your hat and access to the speakers in the cafe. Now you can play Arcade Fire to your heart\u2019s content, you weirdo. Have fun working in the coffee shop equivalent of the word \u201cgreasy\u201d that everyone else has the decency to pretend doesn\u2019t exist.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Have you ever wanted to work at the most deeply unsettling coffee shop on campus? Are you not beautiful enough to dare step foot behind the bar at Harper? Have you always dreamed of being a bridge troll, confined to the dark damp subterranean world and asking riddles of those who cross your path? Perhaps Cobb Caf\u00e9 is your place. Many students seeking employment on campus are confused as to how they can get a coveted coffee shop job. With your useless degree and overall unemployability, why not build skills for your future career as an assistant manager at a local Caribou Coffee? Here\u2019s how to become a \u201cbarista\u201d at Cobb Caf\u00e9. Send in Your Resum\u00e9 The first step to getting any job is to send in your resum\u00e9. Cobb Caf\u00e9 accepts resum\u00e9s on Friday the 13th, but only via pigeon messenger. Background in falconry and necromancy are preferred. Special preference is given to those proficient in backwards Latin and Romanian. The Callback If you are granted an interview at Cobb Caf\u00e9, the ghost of William Rainey Harper will possess you for a brief moment. Be careful, because you could also be possessed by John D. Rockefeller as a sign of rejection. The best way to know if you have been possessed by William Rainey Harper and not John D Rockefeller is to know what to expect. For both, you will projectile vomit, speak in tongues, and your head will spin in circles. If you are possessed by Rockefeller, you will be dragged down to hell to go live with other industrialists of the time, and your head will spin clockwise, not counterclockwise. If you wake up in the middle of the quad with a wicked neckache surrounded by terrified prospies, it\u2019s time to do the interview. The Interview If you have passed the first two trials, you will proceed to Cobb\u2019s interview process. You must go to the roof of Snitchcock on the night of the full moon and say \u201cDoc Films\u201d three times at the stroke of midnight. A white person with dreadlocks will appear before you and ask a series of questions about obscure indie bands. You must not look up from your phone while answering them. If you have passed the test, the man will ask you for an iced coffee, to which you must say, \u201cIF YOU WANTED ICED COFFEE, YOU SHOULDA GONE TO EX LIBRIS!\u201d Your Hat If you answer the final question with enough contempt and smugness, you will be given your hat and access to the speakers in the cafe. Now you can play Arcade Fire to your heart\u2019s content, you weirdo. Have fun working in the coffee shop equivalent of the word \u201cgreasy\u201d that everyone else has the decency to pretend doesn\u2019t exist.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3473","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-campus-life","category-lifestyle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3473","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3473"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3473\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3526,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3473\/revisions\/3526"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3473"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3473"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3473"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}