<\/p>\n
If you\u0092ve been following the news at all since President Obama took office, you\u0092ve probably heard the rumors about how he\u0092s a Muslim Antichrist sent from Kenya to destroy all believers. Obviously, these silly stories are completely unfounded.<\/p>\n
\tI say this so confidently because I am the country\u0092s sole<\/i> secret Muslim Antichrist.<\/p>\n
\tI won\u0092t say it\u0092s not difficult to watch Obama get all the credit for the things I’ve done, like tsunamis and earthquakes, and making the Earth quite a bit hotter than it\u0092s been in recent history. It stings a little bit when people accuse Barack Obama of trying to destroy America by legalizing gay marriage, when, of course, it is I who will ultimately be responsible for destroying America. But life has its challenges, and you pull through.<\/p>\n
\tWhy Obama\u0092s been getting all this attention is beyond me. His magic is weak at best, while mine is mature, focused, and powerful. I can start small fires with my magic, for instance. I can also levitate just over an inch above the ground when no one is looking. .<\/p>\n
\tBut what hurts the most is when they laugh. I try to be the most satanic Quiznos shift manager I can, but darn it, it hurts<\/em> when you growl, \u0093The days of your reckoning approach, get on your knees and worship The Dark Lord\u0094 before carving a pentagram into a customer\u0092s sandwich, and all they do is let out an uncomfortable laugh, as if you\u0092re telling some kind of joke. It\u0092s not<\/em> a joke. This is serious<\/em>. I may be a hellish demon sent to enslave the human race and begin a thousand-year-long war against God\u0092s army, but that doesn\u0092t mean I don\u0092t have feelings!<\/p>\n \tAnd why doesn\u0092t anybody accuse me of being a secret Muslim? If you\u0092re going to order a meatball sub from somebody, it\u0092s common courtesy to ask them whether they\u0092re secretly practicing Islam, as far as I\u0092m concerned. Anything short of that is flat-out rude. I don\u0092t know. Maybe that\u0092s just how I was raised.<\/p>\n \tSo the next time someone\u0092s talking your ear off about how Obama\u0092s going to kill us all, make sure to set them straight and tell them that Scranton\u0092s Phil DeRuzzo is the one they want, because things aren\u0092t so great for me over here. Obama\u0092s getting credit for the rough patch America\u0092s going through, and good for him, but for once, I\u0092d<\/em> like to be acknowledged for a hex or two.<\/p>\n \tPlease, just listen<\/em> to me. Hail Satan.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Ricky Stewart Oct. 21, 2012 If you\u0092ve been following the news at all since President Obama took office, you\u0092ve probably heard the rumors about how he\u0092s a Muslim Antichrist sent from Kenya to destroy all believers. Obviously, these silly stories are completely unfounded. I say this so confidently because I am the country\u0092s sole secret Muslim Antichrist. I won\u0092t say it\u0092s not difficult to watch Obama get all the credit for the things I’ve done, like tsunamis and earthquakes, and making the Earth quite a bit hotter than it\u0092s been in recent history. It stings a little bit when people accuse Barack Obama of trying to destroy America by legalizing gay marriage, when, of course, it is I who will ultimately be responsible for destroying America. But life has its challenges, and you pull through. Why Obama\u0092s been getting all this attention is beyond me. His magic is weak at best, while mine is mature, focused, and powerful. I can start small fires with my magic, for instance. I can also levitate just over an inch above the ground when no one is looking. . But what hurts the most is when they laugh. I try to be the most satanic Quiznos shift manager I can, but darn it, it hurts when you growl, \u0093The days of your reckoning approach, get on your knees and worship The Dark Lord\u0094 before carving a pentagram into a customer\u0092s sandwich, and all they do is let out an uncomfortable laugh, as if you\u0092re telling some kind of joke. It\u0092s not a joke. This is serious. I may be a hellish demon sent to enslave the human race and begin a thousand-year-long war against God\u0092s army, but that doesn\u0092t mean I don\u0092t have feelings! And why doesn\u0092t anybody accuse me of being a secret Muslim? If you\u0092re going to order a meatball sub from somebody, it\u0092s common courtesy to ask them whether they\u0092re secretly practicing Islam, as far as I\u0092m concerned. Anything short of that is flat-out rude. I don\u0092t know. Maybe that\u0092s just how I was raised. So the next time someone\u0092s talking your ear off about how Obama\u0092s going to kill us all, make sure to set them straight and tell them that Scranton\u0092s Phil DeRuzzo is the one they want, because things aren\u0092t so great for me over here. Obama\u0092s getting credit for the rough patch America\u0092s going through, and good for him, but for once, I\u0092d like to be acknowledged for a hex or two. Please, just listen to me. Hail Satan.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2387","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2387","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2387"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2387\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3420,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2387\/revisions\/3420"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2387"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2387"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2387"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}