<\/p>\n
Author\u2019s Note:<\/em> Alexander the Great apologizes in advance for the following display of enthusiasm \u2013 he is writing on his favorite topic, after all.<\/em><\/p>\n What is up, bitches. There are many reasons why you might be reading this treatise. It could be because you saw the name Alexander the Great underneath the title and felt a sharp tingle of desire radiating down your spine. It could be because Alexander the Great was in your dream last night, kicking your country\u2019s ass and taking other countries\u2019 names. Maybe it\u2019s because Alexander the Great\u2019s flowing mane of hair shimmers like the rapidly gushing blood of a thousand Greek infantrymen. <\/p>\n (Actually, you\u2019re most likely reading this because you\u2019re a member of the educated elite and Alexander the Great has issued a mandate throughout his domain that you must read about his greatness, or else suffer swift consequences. But Alexander the Great feels your pain.) <\/p>\n Okay, no. Did you ever stop to think how truly and profoundly bad-ass your Ruler and Conqueror truly is? So there\u2019s this horse, right? Bucephalus, they call him. Horse is crazy as hell. Completely whacked out. Alexander the Great is telling<\/em> you guys, this horse motherfucking ATE PEOPLE who tried to ride it. Ate. PEOPLE. And Alexander the Great\u2019s dad\u2019s all like, \u201cMeh. Go ahead, son.\u201d So this little thirteen-year-old punk walks over and rides that horse like a damn professional, and then he just comes back all like, \u201cWhat. I just rode the most dangerous-ass horse on the PLANET and I\u2019m still not old enough to shave or understand social nuance.\u201d (Alexander the Great is paraphrasing here, mind you.)<\/p>\n And what about the time that Alexander the Great\u2019s daddy went on extended leave and left little Alex to rule the roost at age sixteen<\/em>? And by the roost, Alexander the Great only means the ENTIRE kingdom of Macedon. Sixteen! Yeah, so this kid\u2019s all like here\u2019s my girlfriend, here\u2019s my Playboy clay tablet, and oh, where did I put my E AUTHORITY OVER THOUSANDS OF MORTALS? Its location must have slipped my mind while I was jerking off in the royal bedroom.<\/p>\n And did Alexander the Great mention those three years when yours truly was taught by Aristotle? His favorite class with him was Human Being and Citizen, although Alexander admits that Aristotle was one of those douchebag professors who constantly assigned his own writings as homework. But still. Aristotle? Other scholars were lucky if they had even heard<\/em> of Aristotle, okay, it was fucking Aristotle, OKAY? K.<\/p>\n Alexander the Great would also talk about his undefeated military career, which was achieved all while maintaining stable and fulfilling relationships and drinking mirthfully on occasion. But we\u2019re out of parchment \u2013 and besides, Alexander the Great doesn\u2019t like to brag.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Alexander the Great Feb. 4, 2013 Author\u2019s Note: Alexander the Great apologizes in advance for the following display of enthusiasm \u2013 he is writing on his favorite topic, after all. What is up, bitches. There are many reasons why you might be reading this treatise. It could be because you saw the name Alexander the Great underneath the title and felt a sharp tingle of desire radiating down your spine. It could be because Alexander the Great was in your dream last night, kicking your country\u2019s ass and taking other countries\u2019 names. Maybe it\u2019s because Alexander the Great\u2019s flowing mane of hair shimmers like the rapidly gushing blood of a thousand Greek infantrymen. (Actually, you\u2019re most likely reading this because you\u2019re a member of the educated elite and Alexander the Great has issued a mandate throughout his domain that you must read about his greatness, or else suffer swift consequences. But Alexander the Great feels your pain.) Okay, no. Did you ever stop to think how truly and profoundly bad-ass your Ruler and Conqueror truly is? So there\u2019s this horse, right? Bucephalus, they call him. Horse is crazy as hell. Completely whacked out. Alexander the Great is telling you guys, this horse motherfucking ATE PEOPLE who tried to ride it. Ate. PEOPLE. And Alexander the Great\u2019s dad\u2019s all like, \u201cMeh. Go ahead, son.\u201d So this little thirteen-year-old punk walks over and rides that horse like a damn professional, and then he just comes back all like, \u201cWhat. I just rode the most dangerous-ass horse on the PLANET and I\u2019m still not old enough to shave or understand social nuance.\u201d (Alexander the Great is paraphrasing here, mind you.) And what about the time that Alexander the Great\u2019s daddy went on extended leave and left little Alex to rule the roost at age sixteen? And by the roost, Alexander the Great only means the ENTIRE kingdom of Macedon. Sixteen! Yeah, so this kid\u2019s all like here\u2019s my girlfriend, here\u2019s my Playboy clay tablet, and oh, where did I put my E AUTHORITY OVER THOUSANDS OF MORTALS? Its location must have slipped my mind while I was jerking off in the royal bedroom. And did Alexander the Great mention those three years when yours truly was taught by Aristotle? His favorite class with him was Human Being and Citizen, although Alexander admits that Aristotle was one of those douchebag professors who constantly assigned his own writings as homework. But still. Aristotle? Other scholars were lucky if they had even heard of Aristotle, okay, it was fucking Aristotle, OKAY? K. Alexander the Great would also talk about his undefeated military career, which was achieved all while maintaining stable and fulfilling relationships and drinking mirthfully on occasion. But we\u2019re out of parchment \u2013 and besides, Alexander the Great doesn\u2019t like to brag.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2341"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2341"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2341\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3374,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2341\/revisions\/3374"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2341"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2341"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2341"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}