<\/p>\n
A new study commissioned by the Office of the Dean of Students’ has concluded that many of the academic and personal problems experienced by first-year students stem from the lack of erotica drawn on tables and desks. Researchers involved with the study anticipated that first-years\u2019 shortcomings were caused by poor study habits, adjustment to college life, and lack of quality high-school teaching due to funding cuts. Instead, the study attributed most of first-years\u2019 general cluelessness to their inability to recognize academic furniture that is unsullied by graffiti, predominately penises. <\/p>\n
\u201cIn high school I had it down pat,\u201d said concerned first-year Sarah Woodward, \u201cI would always sit down and place my economics textbook on the wooden block covered in graphic images. It was that simple. Here, I don\u2019t know where to sit.\u201d <\/p>\n
A 2011 study by the U.S. Department of Education concluded that 77% of the surface area of desks at U.S. public high schools was covered with etched erotic drawings, initials and words. More than three-fourths of such markings were judged crude or pornographic by the department. <\/strong><\/p>\n The lack of such images on the desks in classrooms at UChicago left first-years in utter confusion. \u201cThe study found that many students stopped attending classes and wouldn\u2019t study because they believed the school was not supplying them with tables to work at,\u201d said Margaret Birch, lead researcher on the study, which is titled \u201cWhere\u2019s the Penis? Insights into Substandard Behavioral Patterns Among University of Chicago First Year Students.”<\/p>\n Ad\ufeffhoc solutions such as standing in the corner of the Reg and reading on treadmills proved insufficient and exhausting. In an interview with the Shady Dealer, Mrs. Birch suggested that signs such as “This is a desk”<\/i> placed on academic furniture might ease the first-years\u2019 confusion. \u201cThe faculty might also consider using small temporary drawings of penises with washable markers to help the students with the transition into adult furniture,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n According to the study, students indicated they could accept desks without full-out desktop porn. In a recent poll conducted by the Tea Time and Sex Chats RSO, 49% of students said they could live with some variation of the normative penis model. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t even mind if they brought in other sexually explicit images or engraved mere crude language into the wooden structure. I just need some sort of indicator. Otherwise, I am completely lost,\u201d said Sam Mahogany. <\/p>\n Students who attended private schools, where salaciously defaced furniture is rare, were almost entirely unaffected by the lack of penis drawings, the study concluded. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Anna Newport Feb. 24, 2013 A new study commissioned by the Office of the Dean of Students’ has concluded that many of the academic and personal problems experienced by first-year students stem from the lack of erotica drawn on tables and desks. Researchers involved with the study anticipated that first-years\u2019 shortcomings were caused by poor study habits, adjustment to college life, and lack of quality high-school teaching due to funding cuts. Instead, the study attributed most of first-years\u2019 general cluelessness to their inability to recognize academic furniture that is unsullied by graffiti, predominately penises. \u201cIn high school I had it down pat,\u201d said concerned first-year Sarah Woodward, \u201cI would always sit down and place my economics textbook on the wooden block covered in graphic images. It was that simple. Here, I don\u2019t know where to sit.\u201d A 2011 study by the U.S. Department of Education concluded that 77% of the surface area of desks at U.S. public high schools was covered with etched erotic drawings, initials and words. More than three-fourths of such markings were judged crude or pornographic by the department. The lack of such images on the desks in classrooms at UChicago left first-years in utter confusion. \u201cThe study found that many students stopped attending classes and wouldn\u2019t study because they believed the school was not supplying them with tables to work at,\u201d said Margaret Birch, lead researcher on the study, which is titled \u201cWhere\u2019s the Penis? Insights into Substandard Behavioral Patterns Among University of Chicago First Year Students.” Ad\ufeffhoc solutions such as standing in the corner of the Reg and reading on treadmills proved insufficient and exhausting. In an interview with the Shady Dealer, Mrs. Birch suggested that signs such as “This is a desk” placed on academic furniture might ease the first-years\u2019 confusion. \u201cThe faculty might also consider using small temporary drawings of penises with washable markers to help the students with the transition into adult furniture,\u201d she said. According to the study, students indicated they could accept desks without full-out desktop porn. In a recent poll conducted by the Tea Time and Sex Chats RSO, 49% of students said they could live with some variation of the normative penis model. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t even mind if they brought in other sexually explicit images or engraved mere crude language into the wooden structure. I just need some sort of indicator. Otherwise, I am completely lost,\u201d said Sam Mahogany. Students who attended private schools, where salaciously defaced furniture is rare, were almost entirely unaffected by the lack of penis drawings, the study concluded.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2326"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2326"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2326\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3359,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2326\/revisions\/3359"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2326"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2326"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2326"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}