<\/p>\n
John W. Boyer, Dean of the College at The University of Chicago, has challenged every major and minor deity who exerts influence over natural phenomena to a free-for-all bare-knuckle boxing match for control over Chicago\u2019s weather, to be held at Ratner gymnasium this vernal equinox.<\/p>\n
The Dean announced his intention to personally \u201cbox into submission every god or goddess who will step up to the plate\u201d in a College-wide email. In the thirty-two paragraph missive, the Dean detailed his frustrations with the assorted gods and goddesses\u2019 management of this plane of existence\u2019s weather systems. \u201cMid-50s weather, with no<\/i> windchill, in January?\u201d complained Dean Boyer, \u201cIt\u2019s like you guys aren\u2019t even paying attention<\/i> to our established weather traditions! I could manage Chicago\u2019s weather systems in a manner that isn\u2019t<\/i> all higgledy-piggledy; under my leadership, we\u2019ll have the freezing Chicagoan weather we all need!\u201d He ended his long string of complaints with the promise that he would \u201croar [his] formal declaration of superiority to the skies of Mi\u00f0gar\u00f0r later today, on the Quad.\u201d<\/p>\n
Indeed, second-year student Carla Vasquez told us that the 66-year old Dean did indeed stride confidently from his secret Harper office to the center of the quad, tilt his head exactly 45\u00b0 up, and scream his challenge (and several obscenities) to the skies. He then pointed at a particularly dark cumulonimbus cloud and shouted, \u201cI know you\u2019re in there, Zeus! Come down and take your lumps, or give us the weather that we rightfully expect!\u201d The Contender then walked back to his office, reportedly muttering, \u201cThe nerve\u2026 my jimmies are so<\/i> rustled right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
The campus is buzzing with excitement at the prospect of Dean Boyer-endorsed weather, and support for his attempt to usurp the gods\u2019 control over nature seems unanimous throughout the campus. Third-year geophysical sciences major Louise Brandt expressed her frustrations regarding the current weather administration to The Dealer<\/i>, saying that she walked outside last month, wearing five coats \u201cas any reasonable person would do in January, here,\u201d and was confused and annoyed by \u201cthe lukewarm and sweat-inducing failure that the gods had the gall to call Chicago weather\u201d. \u201cYou know what I want from my weather administration? Freezing gusts and the threat of being buried alive in snow; at least I can plan for that! My wardrobe\u2019s winter-exclusive! What am I supposed to do: throw out all twenty pairs of long-johns?\u201d<\/p>\n
If anybody knows how to contact the gods for a statement, then please email the Shady Dealer at [email\u00a0protected]<\/a> We tried [email\u00a0protected]<\/a> and [email\u00a0protected]<\/a>; these addresses belong to bodybuilders.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Mark Boykin Feb. 24, 2013 John W. Boyer, Dean of the College at The University of Chicago, has challenged every major and minor deity who exerts influence over natural phenomena to a free-for-all bare-knuckle boxing match for control over Chicago\u2019s weather, to be held at Ratner gymnasium this vernal equinox. The Dean announced his intention to personally \u201cbox into submission every god or goddess who will step up to the plate\u201d in a College-wide email. In the thirty-two paragraph missive, the Dean detailed his frustrations with the assorted gods and goddesses\u2019 management of this plane of existence\u2019s weather systems. \u201cMid-50s weather, with no windchill, in January?\u201d complained Dean Boyer, \u201cIt\u2019s like you guys aren\u2019t even paying attention to our established weather traditions! I could manage Chicago\u2019s weather systems in a manner that isn\u2019t all higgledy-piggledy; under my leadership, we\u2019ll have the freezing Chicagoan weather we all need!\u201d He ended his long string of complaints with the promise that he would \u201croar [his] formal declaration of superiority to the skies of Mi\u00f0gar\u00f0r later today, on the Quad.\u201d Indeed, second-year student Carla Vasquez told us that the 66-year old Dean did indeed stride confidently from his secret Harper office to the center of the quad, tilt his head exactly 45\u00b0 up, and scream his challenge (and several obscenities) to the skies. He then pointed at a particularly dark cumulonimbus cloud and shouted, \u201cI know you\u2019re in there, Zeus! Come down and take your lumps, or give us the weather that we rightfully expect!\u201d The Contender then walked back to his office, reportedly muttering, \u201cThe nerve\u2026 my jimmies are so rustled right now.\u201d The campus is buzzing with excitement at the prospect of Dean Boyer-endorsed weather, and support for his attempt to usurp the gods\u2019 control over nature seems unanimous throughout the campus. Third-year geophysical sciences major Louise Brandt expressed her frustrations regarding the current weather administration to The Dealer, saying that she walked outside last month, wearing five coats \u201cas any reasonable person would do in January, here,\u201d and was confused and annoyed by \u201cthe lukewarm and sweat-inducing failure that the gods had the gall to call Chicago weather\u201d. \u201cYou know what I want from my weather administration? Freezing gusts and the threat of being buried alive in snow; at least I can plan for that! My wardrobe\u2019s winter-exclusive! What am I supposed to do: throw out all twenty pairs of long-johns?\u201d If anybody knows how to contact the gods for a statement, then please email the Shady Dealer at [email\u00a0protected] We tried [email\u00a0protected] and [email\u00a0protected]; these addresses belong to bodybuilders.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2322"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2322"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2322\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3355,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2322\/revisions\/3355"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2322"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2322"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2322"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}