{"id":232,"date":"2019-02-06T15:49:16","date_gmt":"2019-02-06T08:49:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/35.224.237.165\/?p=232"},"modified":"2019-02-26T05:32:36","modified_gmt":"2019-02-25T22:32:36","slug":"god-needs-a-damn-cigarette-after-week-four","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2019\/02\/06\/god-needs-a-damn-cigarette-after-week-four\/","title":{"rendered":"God Needs a Damn Cigarette After Week Four"},"content":{"rendered":"<div>After a fortnight of constructing reality, a local deity reported that He &#8220;just wants a fucking moment of peace.&#8221;<\/div>\n<div>\u201cIt\u2019s not as easy as it looks,\u201c he started while lighting up a Marlboro Menthol. \u201cI get home after a long day, and I see Adam and Eve shoveling the Forbidden Fruit into their mouth holes,\u201d he continued while choking down an Old Fashioned. \u201cCan\u2019t I get an ounce of appreciation?\u201d<\/div>\n<div>Reports indicate that He shakily poured some more of &#8220;Daddy\u2019s sweet sweet nectar\u201d and bemoaned that He does not \u201cask for much\u201d before quickly devolving into a tirade on how \u201cI could end them so easily it\u2019s not even a fucking joke,\u201d gesturing to a jar of anthrax on the table.<\/div>\n<div>\u201cI hate to see Him this way,\u201d an area serpent commented. \u00a0\u201cWe give each other shit sometimes, but it\u2019s just no fun to kick a guy when he\u2019s down, you know?\u201d<\/div>\n<div>The reptile added, \u201cI\u2019d lose my shit, too, if I had to put up with Adam every day. He may have been made in the image of the Creator, but he\u2019s still missing a few chromosomes.\u201d<\/div>\n<div>At press time, The Almighty could be seen milking the last puffs of his tobacco while lightly stroking a container of bacteria and muttering, \u201cI\u2019ll save you for later,\u201d before placing it between season one of <em>Keeping Up with the Kardashians<\/em> and HPV on a shelf labeled \u201cPlagues to Mankind.\u201d<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>After a fortnight of constructing reality, a local deity reported that He &#8220;just wants a fucking moment of peace.&#8221; \u201cIt\u2019s not as easy as it looks,\u201c he started while lighting up a Marlboro Menthol. \u201cI get home after a long day, and I see Adam and Eve shoveling the Forbidden Fruit into their mouth holes,\u201d he continued while choking down an Old Fashioned. \u201cCan\u2019t I get an ounce of appreciation?\u201d Reports indicate that He shakily poured some more of &#8220;Daddy\u2019s sweet sweet nectar\u201d and bemoaned that He does not \u201cask for much\u201d before quickly devolving into a tirade on how \u201cI could end them so easily it\u2019s not even a fucking joke,\u201d gesturing to a jar of anthrax on the table. \u201cI hate to see Him this way,\u201d an area serpent commented. \u00a0\u201cWe give each other shit sometimes, but it\u2019s just no fun to kick a guy when he\u2019s down, you know?\u201d The reptile added, \u201cI\u2019d lose my shit, too, if I had to put up with Adam every day. He may have been made in the image of the Creator, but he\u2019s still missing a few chromosomes.\u201d At press time, The Almighty could be seen milking the last puffs of his tobacco while lightly stroking a container of bacteria and muttering, \u201cI\u2019ll save you for later,\u201d before placing it between season one of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and HPV on a shelf labeled \u201cPlagues to Mankind.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":233,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[11],"class_list":["post-232","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-historical-issue","tag-15-4"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/232","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=232"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/232\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4898,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/232\/revisions\/4898"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/233"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=232"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=232"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=232"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}