<\/p>\n
Every year, when November rears its head, all of us snows gather in the Snowzone Layer to catch up and chew the slush. Uncle Frost-Eyes took the summer off in Buckingham Fountain; Frigid Bridget went to Alaska and stormed over a hockey game; my old friend Snowen Wilson migrated to the Andes to chill out over a ski resort. But of course, precious First Snow volunteered at a food bank. Probably no more than a half-hour per week. That\u2019s the kind of girl she is \u2013 always boosting her r\u00e9sum\u00e9.<\/p>\n
Anyways, after making small talk, we met up at Snow Command to coordinate our descent on the Midwest, and we\u2019d got a doozy planned. Biggest in years. Gold Teamwas briefed for a pinpoint landing in St. Louis; Red Team would flank the Michigan weather radars and bring the kids a surprise snow day. But then<\/i>, just when we thought everything was \u201csleet, snow, and ready-to-go,\u201d we looked down and saw that First Snow totally jumped the gun! She was fluttering on down in the limelight while the rest of us Snows sat up here like assholes.<\/p>\n
And everyone celebrated her! Kids ran outside in their snowpants and danced around. Parents embraced each other in sweaters and watched from the window playing songs on their like stereos like \u201cLet it Snow,\u201d \u201cWhite Christmas,\u201d and \u201cSnow (Hey Oh).\u201d First Snow was immortalized in photos of snowmen and igloos. And by the time the rest of us rushed down, we were greeted with curses. \u201cUgh, more snow!\u201d \u201cDamn this cold!\u201d \u201cWoof Woof, let\u2019s pee in it!\u201d they shout at us. Well, it\u2019s not our fault that we have to land in First Snow\u2019s old slush, without a chance of sustaining the pure white blanket these kids demand!<\/p>\n
Why should First Snow get to flutter around like a butterfly in the breeze while the rest of us are slandered? It\u2019s not like we\u2019re God\u2019s kidney stones, the hail. We\u2019re snow, too! And doesn’t anyone think it\u2019s unbecoming that people haven\u2019t even put on gloves yet and she\u2019s already going down on them? First Snow isn\u2019t any flakier or colder than the rest of us! Where does she get off? And when did it become okay for one storm to steal the glory from everybody? Because that\u2019s not<\/em> what Chicago is about! WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB FIRST SNOW!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Second Snow Nov. 9, 2013 Every year, when November rears its head, all of us snows gather in the Snowzone Layer to catch up and chew the slush. Uncle Frost-Eyes took the summer off in Buckingham Fountain; Frigid Bridget went to Alaska and stormed over a hockey game; my old friend Snowen Wilson migrated to the Andes to chill out over a ski resort. But of course, precious First Snow volunteered at a food bank. Probably no more than a half-hour per week. That\u2019s the kind of girl she is \u2013 always boosting her r\u00e9sum\u00e9. Anyways, after making small talk, we met up at Snow Command to coordinate our descent on the Midwest, and we\u2019d got a doozy planned. Biggest in years. Gold Teamwas briefed for a pinpoint landing in St. Louis; Red Team would flank the Michigan weather radars and bring the kids a surprise snow day. But then, just when we thought everything was \u201csleet, snow, and ready-to-go,\u201d we looked down and saw that First Snow totally jumped the gun! She was fluttering on down in the limelight while the rest of us Snows sat up here like assholes. And everyone celebrated her! Kids ran outside in their snowpants and danced around. Parents embraced each other in sweaters and watched from the window playing songs on their like stereos like \u201cLet it Snow,\u201d \u201cWhite Christmas,\u201d and \u201cSnow (Hey Oh).\u201d First Snow was immortalized in photos of snowmen and igloos. And by the time the rest of us rushed down, we were greeted with curses. \u201cUgh, more snow!\u201d \u201cDamn this cold!\u201d \u201cWoof Woof, let\u2019s pee in it!\u201d they shout at us. Well, it\u2019s not our fault that we have to land in First Snow\u2019s old slush, without a chance of sustaining the pure white blanket these kids demand! Why should First Snow get to flutter around like a butterfly in the breeze while the rest of us are slandered? It\u2019s not like we\u2019re God\u2019s kidney stones, the hail. We\u2019re snow, too! And doesn’t anyone think it\u2019s unbecoming that people haven\u2019t even put on gloves yet and she\u2019s already going down on them? First Snow isn\u2019t any flakier or colder than the rest of us! Where does she get off? And when did it become okay for one storm to steal the glory from everybody? Because that\u2019s not what Chicago is about! WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB FIRST SNOW!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2246","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2246","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2246"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2246\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3279,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2246\/revisions\/3279"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2246"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2246"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2246"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}