<\/p>\n
Winter is coming, and so, apparently, are our students. New polling data reveals that as many as 30% of UChicago Crushes are actually written while masturbating.<\/p>\n
UChicago Crushes is a popular Facebook page for lonely, vain and\/or horny students, who use the site to anonymously confess their attraction to fellow classmates, or spot a flattering post about themselves. \u201cWe always knew that people were using the site to stroke their own egos,\u201d said Becky Greenberg, the site\u2019s owner. \u201cI guess it\u2019s not an enormous leap to suggest they were stroking other things, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
The study’s documentation includes both survey data and representative instances of the phenomenon. \u201cI hope this doesn\u2019t come across as creepy,\u201d wrote senior Andy Morrison, for example, typing with one hand and grasping his erect penis with the other. \u201cBut you brighten my day like a ray of sunshine, Amy Duncan.\u201d<\/p>\n
Researchers had previously predicted the number of posts written while jacking off would rest between two and five percent . \u201cWe figured there were one or two oddballs in there who got off on grandiose compliments and romantic clich\u00e9s,\u201d explained Dr. Cohen, director of the Center for the Study of Gender and Sexuality. \u201cI mean, it is hard to imagine someone pleasuring themselves while typing a post describing \u2018the most supremely blue eyes on campus,\u2019 but stranger things have happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUnfortunately,\u201d Cohen continued, grimacing, \u201cwe put far too much faith in human decency, so our numbers proved grossly inaccurate.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t stop thinking about how nice it would be to grow old with you,\u201d submitted first-year Ian Fenster last Tuesday, as he furiously stimulated his own genitals. His post continues, \u201cYou are the love of my life. I am inexorably attracted to your incessant pulchrituuuuuu,” whereupon he finished.<\/p>\n
According to researchers, it\u2019s difficult to determine whether these students become aroused during the process of writing their posts, or if they were masturbating to begin with and moved to the site in medias rub<\/i>.<\/p>\n
May House resident Jessica Mulberry confided: \u201cI just get really turned on by the idea that Pete Freeman might see my post about his insanely squeezable ass and wonder, \u2018is that the weird chick who stares at me in HBC?\u2019\u201d She added, eyes glazing over, \u201cThat really puts me on edge.\u201d <\/p>\n
As always, there remains more research to be done on the subject. Dr. Cohen will be able to present some new insights later this month, when he publishes his much-anticipated follow-up study, \u201cHow Many UChicago Students Masturbate While Writing Posts on Overheard?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 9, 2013 Winter is coming, and so, apparently, are our students. New polling data reveals that as many as 30% of UChicago Crushes are actually written while masturbating. UChicago Crushes is a popular Facebook page for lonely, vain and\/or horny students, who use the site to anonymously confess their attraction to fellow classmates, or spot a flattering post about themselves. \u201cWe always knew that people were using the site to stroke their own egos,\u201d said Becky Greenberg, the site\u2019s owner. \u201cI guess it\u2019s not an enormous leap to suggest they were stroking other things, too.\u201d The study’s documentation includes both survey data and representative instances of the phenomenon. \u201cI hope this doesn\u2019t come across as creepy,\u201d wrote senior Andy Morrison, for example, typing with one hand and grasping his erect penis with the other. \u201cBut you brighten my day like a ray of sunshine, Amy Duncan.\u201d Researchers had previously predicted the number of posts written while jacking off would rest between two and five percent . \u201cWe figured there were one or two oddballs in there who got off on grandiose compliments and romantic clich\u00e9s,\u201d explained Dr. Cohen, director of the Center for the Study of Gender and Sexuality. \u201cI mean, it is hard to imagine someone pleasuring themselves while typing a post describing \u2018the most supremely blue eyes on campus,\u2019 but stranger things have happened.\u201d \u201cUnfortunately,\u201d Cohen continued, grimacing, \u201cwe put far too much faith in human decency, so our numbers proved grossly inaccurate.\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t stop thinking about how nice it would be to grow old with you,\u201d submitted first-year Ian Fenster last Tuesday, as he furiously stimulated his own genitals. His post continues, \u201cYou are the love of my life. I am inexorably attracted to your incessant pulchrituuuuuu,” whereupon he finished. According to researchers, it\u2019s difficult to determine whether these students become aroused during the process of writing their posts, or if they were masturbating to begin with and moved to the site in medias rub. May House resident Jessica Mulberry confided: \u201cI just get really turned on by the idea that Pete Freeman might see my post about his insanely squeezable ass and wonder, \u2018is that the weird chick who stares at me in HBC?\u2019\u201d She added, eyes glazing over, \u201cThat really puts me on edge.\u201d As always, there remains more research to be done on the subject. Dr. Cohen will be able to present some new insights later this month, when he publishes his much-anticipated follow-up study, \u201cHow Many UChicago Students Masturbate While Writing Posts on Overheard?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2244","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2244","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2244"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2244\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3277,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2244\/revisions\/3277"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2244"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2244"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2244"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}