<\/p>\n
After decades of painstaking medical research and ardent fundraising efforts, Breast Cancer finally became aware during a thunderstorm last Tuesday morning at 3:52 AM PST. According to reports, a tissue sample incubating in a biology lab at MIT began acting strangely at about 2:15 AM, glowing and bubbling until it covered the entire petri dish. Just before 4:00 AM, it released a startling howl, followed by groans of \u201cOh god, oh god, what have I done? What have I done!?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re positively thrilled with the outcome,\u201d said Janelle Hail, founder of the Breast Cancer Awareness movement. \u201cI\u2019ve been trying to raise Breast Cancer awareness for decades, but I never thought I\u2019d live to see it gain actual sentience.\u201d<\/p>\n This miraculous feat was accomplished with a combination of scientific method and dark magic. Researchers only spoke to each other in Latin, and sacrificed a goat every full moon for the duration of the study. \u201cOne month, we ran out of goats and had to use a virgin instead,\u201d recalls Dr. Matthew Thompson, head engineer for the project. \u201cYeah, poor Linda. She was a great intern.\u201d <\/p>\n While the event marks an important milestone for the scientific community, much research remains to be done. \u201cNow that breast cancer is finally conscious, we can move on to raising awareness for other things, like global warming and GMOs,\u201d explains Dr. Thompson. \u201cGMOs are already pretty freaky, so it shouldn\u2019t be too hard.\u201d <\/p>\n According to Dealer<\/i> sources, Breast Cancer now spends most of its time volunteering at local hospitals and touring in support of its new memoir, \u201cChronicles of a Carcinogen.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 24, 2013 After decades of painstaking medical research and ardent fundraising efforts, Breast Cancer finally became aware during a thunderstorm last Tuesday morning at 3:52 AM PST. According to reports, a tissue sample incubating in a biology lab at MIT began acting strangely at about 2:15 AM, glowing and bubbling until it covered the entire petri dish. Just before 4:00 AM, it released a startling howl, followed by groans of \u201cOh god, oh god, what have I done? What have I done!?\u201d \u201cWe\u2019re positively thrilled with the outcome,\u201d said Janelle Hail, founder of the Breast Cancer Awareness movement. \u201cI\u2019ve been trying to raise Breast Cancer awareness for decades, but I never thought I\u2019d live to see it gain actual sentience.\u201d This miraculous feat was accomplished with a combination of scientific method and dark magic. Researchers only spoke to each other in Latin, and sacrificed a goat every full moon for the duration of the study. \u201cOne month, we ran out of goats and had to use a virgin instead,\u201d recalls Dr. Matthew Thompson, head engineer for the project. \u201cYeah, poor Linda. She was a great intern.\u201d While the event marks an important milestone for the scientific community, much research remains to be done. \u201cNow that breast cancer is finally conscious, we can move on to raising awareness for other things, like global warming and GMOs,\u201d explains Dr. Thompson. \u201cGMOs are already pretty freaky, so it shouldn\u2019t be too hard.\u201d According to Dealer sources, Breast Cancer now spends most of its time volunteering at local hospitals and touring in support of its new memoir, \u201cChronicles of a Carcinogen.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2231","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2231","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2231"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2231\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3264,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2231\/revisions\/3264"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2231"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2231"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2231"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}