<\/p>\n
HONOLULU, HAWAII\u2014A young atheist Muslim Communist Fascist is running for Honolulu Junior High Student Council. An anonymous eyewitness told The Dealer<\/i>, \u201cHe wasn\u2019t even born in America. How can he be expected to connect with us on the super important issues, like that we want tater tots and not French fries, or that recess needs to be longer? And don\u2019t even get me started about his unpatriotic views on physical education.\u201d Other equally anonymous eyewitnesses nodded in agreement.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, his opponent, young Johnny McCain, is \u201ca full-blooded native since the Irish Potato Famine who is definitely not questioning his faith in mainstream Protestant Christianity or the dangers of the Gym Teacher Agenda for America\u2019s Young Hearts and Minds\u201d , according to non-anonymous eyewitnesses. Johnny McCain is running on the platform of free tater tots, mandatory two-hour recess, and the abolition of atheist Muslim Communist fascist doctrine from the Honolulu Public Schools curriculum. \u201cIt\u2019s obvious what the atheist Muslim Communist fascist agenda has done to this school system. Running a mile every Monday? Gym shorts that cling tightly to your manparts? No tater tots except on Wednesdays? It\u2019s unnatural, I tell you,\u201d Johnny’s silky-smooth prepubescent voice explained to The Dealer<\/i>. <\/p>\n
The young atheist Muslim Communist fascist, whose name The Dealer <\/i>feels would be sacrilegious to write in print, is unofficially running on the Satanist platform , also known by its slogan, \u201cMake love, not war.\u201d <\/p>\n
Some believe that accusing a twelve-year-old atheist Muslim Communist fascist of wanting to promote Satanism using the highly coveted position of seventh-grade student council representative may not be entirely accurate, but due to of limited publishing space, we cannot address their concerns\u2013 please fax The Dealer<\/i> if you wish to read their arguments. <\/p>\n
Meanwhile, what we can<\/i> tell you is that this heathen believes that physical education can be tolerated by the general population in small doses, that recess need only be mandated at one hour instead of two , and that the addition of waffle fries is a higher priority than the expansion of tater tots for the sake of \u201ctrue equality\u201d. He is also reportedly opposed to bullying, calling the United States’ national pastime \u201ccruel\u201d and \u201coutdated.\u201d <\/p>\n
The student body knows better than to let this un-American atheist Muslim Communist fascist take that away from America. Nevertheless, The Dealer<\/i> will refrain from telling you who to vote for to maintain journalistic integrity. You be the decider. Just don’t make the wrong choice.<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Mary Vansuch (1974) Jan. 24, 2014 HONOLULU, HAWAII\u2014A young atheist Muslim Communist Fascist is running for Honolulu Junior High Student Council. An anonymous eyewitness told The Dealer, \u201cHe wasn\u2019t even born in America. How can he be expected to connect with us on the super important issues, like that we want tater tots and not French fries, or that recess needs to be longer? And don\u2019t even get me started about his unpatriotic views on physical education.\u201d Other equally anonymous eyewitnesses nodded in agreement. Meanwhile, his opponent, young Johnny McCain, is \u201ca full-blooded native since the Irish Potato Famine who is definitely not questioning his faith in mainstream Protestant Christianity or the dangers of the Gym Teacher Agenda for America\u2019s Young Hearts and Minds\u201d , according to non-anonymous eyewitnesses. Johnny McCain is running on the platform of free tater tots, mandatory two-hour recess, and the abolition of atheist Muslim Communist fascist doctrine from the Honolulu Public Schools curriculum. \u201cIt\u2019s obvious what the atheist Muslim Communist fascist agenda has done to this school system. Running a mile every Monday? Gym shorts that cling tightly to your manparts? No tater tots except on Wednesdays? It\u2019s unnatural, I tell you,\u201d Johnny’s silky-smooth prepubescent voice explained to The Dealer. The young atheist Muslim Communist fascist, whose name The Dealer feels would be sacrilegious to write in print, is unofficially running on the Satanist platform , also known by its slogan, \u201cMake love, not war.\u201d Some believe that accusing a twelve-year-old atheist Muslim Communist fascist of wanting to promote Satanism using the highly coveted position of seventh-grade student council representative may not be entirely accurate, but due to of limited publishing space, we cannot address their concerns\u2013 please fax The Dealer if you wish to read their arguments. Meanwhile, what we can tell you is that this heathen believes that physical education can be tolerated by the general population in small doses, that recess need only be mandated at one hour instead of two , and that the addition of waffle fries is a higher priority than the expansion of tater tots for the sake of \u201ctrue equality\u201d. He is also reportedly opposed to bullying, calling the United States’ national pastime \u201ccruel\u201d and \u201coutdated.\u201d The student body knows better than to let this un-American atheist Muslim Communist fascist take that away from America. Nevertheless, The Dealer will refrain from telling you who to vote for to maintain journalistic integrity. You be the decider. Just don’t make the wrong choice.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2219","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2219","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2219"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2219\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3252,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2219\/revisions\/3252"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2219"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2219"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2219"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}