<\/p>\n
zTragedy struck Egypt yesterday when the Library of Alexandria, the world\u2019s largest depository of pornographic materials, was burned to the ground by Roman Emperor Lucius Aurelianus.<\/p>\n
The library, founded by noted pornography enthusiast Ptolemy II, held the majority of the world\u2019s erotic material for 500 years before its tragic destruction.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe entire field of pornography is hurt by this loss,\u201d said head librarian Kontar Rah. \u201cThe destruction of these historically vital and highly arousing works will set the field of erotica back hundreds of years.\u201d<\/p>\n
Among the pieces lost in the great fire includes the text of Aristotle’s Erotica<\/em>, the complete slash fictions of Sappho, and all but a few of Emperor Augustus\u2019 3,000 pornographic doodles, many of which were self-portraits. <\/p>\n \u201cI remember how much fun I used to have going down to the stacks to read Sophocles\u2019 deleted scenes from Antigone<\/em>, in which Antigone convinces Ismene to join her conspiracy against Creon with tender, passionate love, the kind only two women can share,\u201d said Rah. \u201cSo hot,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n While Alexandrian officials were worried about Emperor Aurelianus\u2019 ambitions toward the pornographic materials stored in the library, none could have anticipated his true intentions.<\/p>\n Witnesses say the Emperor and 300 centurions gained entrance to the library yesterday afternoonunder the pretext of a group reading of Plutarch\u2019s Parallel Thighs<\/em>, whereupon they began lighting stacks of papyrus on fire and destroying tablets.<\/p>\n \u201cThere can be no question that the library perpetuated the most amoral behavior in its collection of obscene materials, and thus it was my duty to Rome to burn down that house of licentiousness,\u201d said Emperor Aurelianus in a statement. \u201cThere is only one ethical mode of intercourse, and that is between 30 to 40 well-oiled, consenting adults.\u201d<\/p>\n While most librarians, faced with the ashes of their life\u2019s work, could only express dumb astonishment, Rah was more optimistic.<\/p>\n \u201cWe will build another pornographic library, and if that one burns down, another one.\u201d He said. \u201cWherever there are people, there will be a need for explicit depictions of copulation. This is what it means to be human.\u201d<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Walker King (391) Jan. 24, 2014 zTragedy struck Egypt yesterday when the Library of Alexandria, the world\u2019s largest depository of pornographic materials, was burned to the ground by Roman Emperor Lucius Aurelianus. The library, founded by noted pornography enthusiast Ptolemy II, held the majority of the world\u2019s erotic material for 500 years before its tragic destruction. \u201cThe entire field of pornography is hurt by this loss,\u201d said head librarian Kontar Rah. \u201cThe destruction of these historically vital and highly arousing works will set the field of erotica back hundreds of years.\u201d Among the pieces lost in the great fire includes the text of Aristotle’s Erotica, the complete slash fictions of Sappho, and all but a few of Emperor Augustus\u2019 3,000 pornographic doodles, many of which were self-portraits. \u201cI remember how much fun I used to have going down to the stacks to read Sophocles\u2019 deleted scenes from Antigone, in which Antigone convinces Ismene to join her conspiracy against Creon with tender, passionate love, the kind only two women can share,\u201d said Rah. \u201cSo hot,\u201d he added. While Alexandrian officials were worried about Emperor Aurelianus\u2019 ambitions toward the pornographic materials stored in the library, none could have anticipated his true intentions. Witnesses say the Emperor and 300 centurions gained entrance to the library yesterday afternoonunder the pretext of a group reading of Plutarch\u2019s Parallel Thighs, whereupon they began lighting stacks of papyrus on fire and destroying tablets. \u201cThere can be no question that the library perpetuated the most amoral behavior in its collection of obscene materials, and thus it was my duty to Rome to burn down that house of licentiousness,\u201d said Emperor Aurelianus in a statement. \u201cThere is only one ethical mode of intercourse, and that is between 30 to 40 well-oiled, consenting adults.\u201d While most librarians, faced with the ashes of their life\u2019s work, could only express dumb astonishment, Rah was more optimistic. \u201cWe will build another pornographic library, and if that one burns down, another one.\u201d He said. \u201cWherever there are people, there will be a need for explicit depictions of copulation. This is what it means to be human.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2214","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2214","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2214"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2214\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3247,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2214\/revisions\/3247"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2214"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2214"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2214"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}