<\/p>\n
Every day, millions of students enter Cathey Dining Commons eager to once more satisfy their insatiable yearnings for oil and Chicken Nugget Parmesan. And day after day, the dining hall returns smiling faces. Yet, we all know something fishy has been going on, and this time it\u2019s more than Salmon in Puff Pastry. For months, the vegetarian \u201cHarvest\u201d station has been suspiciously under-served. At any given time, dozens of starving vegans beg for service from their stagnant line, yet the serving spoons face inwards and the station attendant is nowhere to be found.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just so hungry,\u201d one waiting vegan told The Dealer<\/em>. She looked frail and tired, as did the infant son in her arms. Where is the Harvest station attendant? The Dealer<\/em> sent our best correspondent undercover, disguised as a stalk of kale, and he unearthed a plot thicker than any machine-dispensed soy milk. <\/p>\n Our correspondent was \u201cplanted\u201d on a dirty plate and sent into the kitchen. Shocking footage from his hidden camera shows him being scraped off the plate into a baggie along with other chopped, leafy vegetables by none other than the missing Harvest station attendant. <\/p>\n \u201cAt zis point, I feared for my life,\u201d our correspondent recounts, \u201cRight zere\u2026 zitting in a baggie\u2026 disguised as a kale. But zee lady could not tell and walked away.\u201d When the rogue attendant returned, she wore a black \u201cUChicaBro\u201d hoodie sweatshirt. She stashed the vegetable bundle (with our undercover correspondent) in her pocket, and exited the dining hall, walking right past the line of her vegan victims, and even leaving with a cup of hot chocolate<\/em>. She did not give a fuck. <\/p>\n Fifteen minutes later, the baggie was pulled from the attendant\u2019s pocket into the light of 61st Street, where she faced a gang of lanky first-years. \u201cYou got the stuff?\u201d said their leader. His bloodshot eyes were barely visible behind half-transitioned Transitions lenses. The Harvest station attendant replied in affirmation.<\/p>\n The transaction proceeded smoothly \u2013 clearly not the first in which these parties had participated \u2013 until suddenly one of the first years exclaimed, \u201cThere\u2019s a man in that doja!\u201d<\/p>\n Our brave correspondent tells, \u201cI jumped out of zee baggie, tore off my disguise, and proclaimed, \u2018YES, I AM NOT A KALE!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n The attendant fled. She sprinted through the Law School yard, but her surprisingly healthy customers chased her past South Campus. Just as she was rounding the corner to disappear from the pursuing gang, she froze \u2013 she\u2019d reached the border to the Ellis Street \u201cice cream\u201d truck driver\u2019s turf. Our correspondent then jumped out of a tree and caught her.<\/p>\n The the tale of the now infamous \u201cHarvest sStation Pusher\u201d has since spread to most corners of campus. With a replacement veggie slinger, campus vegans will finally receive the service they deserve. And Vitamin K deficiencies on campus have increased to normal levels.<\/p>\n Harvest has come upon UChicago, for now. But remember: things aren\u2019t always as they seem. You never know when you might find kale in your weed \u2013 or a man in your kale.<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Alex Foster May 13, 2014 Every day, millions of students enter Cathey Dining Commons eager to once more satisfy their insatiable yearnings for oil and Chicken Nugget Parmesan. And day after day, the dining hall returns smiling faces. Yet, we all know something fishy has been going on, and this time it\u2019s more than Salmon in Puff Pastry. For months, the vegetarian \u201cHarvest\u201d station has been suspiciously under-served. At any given time, dozens of starving vegans beg for service from their stagnant line, yet the serving spoons face inwards and the station attendant is nowhere to be found. \u201cI\u2019m just so hungry,\u201d one waiting vegan told The Dealer. She looked frail and tired, as did the infant son in her arms. Where is the Harvest station attendant? The Dealer sent our best correspondent undercover, disguised as a stalk of kale, and he unearthed a plot thicker than any machine-dispensed soy milk. Our correspondent was \u201cplanted\u201d on a dirty plate and sent into the kitchen. Shocking footage from his hidden camera shows him being scraped off the plate into a baggie along with other chopped, leafy vegetables by none other than the missing Harvest station attendant. \u201cAt zis point, I feared for my life,\u201d our correspondent recounts, \u201cRight zere\u2026 zitting in a baggie\u2026 disguised as a kale. But zee lady could not tell and walked away.\u201d When the rogue attendant returned, she wore a black \u201cUChicaBro\u201d hoodie sweatshirt. She stashed the vegetable bundle (with our undercover correspondent) in her pocket, and exited the dining hall, walking right past the line of her vegan victims, and even leaving with a cup of hot chocolate. She did not give a fuck. Fifteen minutes later, the baggie was pulled from the attendant\u2019s pocket into the light of 61st Street, where she faced a gang of lanky first-years. \u201cYou got the stuff?\u201d said their leader. His bloodshot eyes were barely visible behind half-transitioned Transitions lenses. The Harvest station attendant replied in affirmation. The transaction proceeded smoothly \u2013 clearly not the first in which these parties had participated \u2013 until suddenly one of the first years exclaimed, \u201cThere\u2019s a man in that doja!\u201d Our brave correspondent tells, \u201cI jumped out of zee baggie, tore off my disguise, and proclaimed, \u2018YES, I AM NOT A KALE!\u2019\u201d The attendant fled. She sprinted through the Law School yard, but her surprisingly healthy customers chased her past South Campus. Just as she was rounding the corner to disappear from the pursuing gang, she froze \u2013 she\u2019d reached the border to the Ellis Street \u201cice cream\u201d truck driver\u2019s turf. Our correspondent then jumped out of a tree and caught her. The the tale of the now infamous \u201cHarvest sStation Pusher\u201d has since spread to most corners of campus. With a replacement veggie slinger, campus vegans will finally receive the service they deserve. And Vitamin K deficiencies on campus have increased to normal levels. Harvest has come upon UChicago, for now. But remember: things aren\u2019t always as they seem. You never know when you might find kale in your weed \u2013 or a man in your kale.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2170","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2170","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2170"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2170\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3203,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2170\/revisions\/3203"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2170"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2170"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2170"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}