<\/p>\n
Look, I know this isn\u2019t the \u201cpolitically correct\u201d thing to say these days, but I have to get something off my chest.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t believe in gay marriage.<\/p>\n
Now before you get all up in arms and start calling me \u201cbigoted\u201d or \u201chomophobic,\u201d I think you ought to listen to my side of the story.<\/p>\n
I used to believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the fact that gay people occasionally marry one another. But when I was 8 years old, I snuck out of bed on Christmas Eve and saw my father placing presents underneath our Christmas tree. Then I saw him decorating a tasteful wedding invitation for \u201cMichael and Dennis\u201d and putting it in our mailbox. That\u2019s when I knew\u2014Santa Claus isn\u2019t real, and neither are gay marriages.<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t believe me? Next time you think you see two women about to exchange vows at the wedding altar, look closer\u2013 you\u2019ll find that the whole thing is made of chicken wire and papier-m\u00e2ch\u00e9<\/em>.<\/p>\n I’m sure this is shocking and hard to accept, but facts are facts. I would love to live in a fantasy-land where my Hogwarts acceptance letter is coming in the mail and gay relationships are legally recognized by the government. But open your eyes to the truth! Gay marriages are simply not real marriages. Because they are imaginary. Like the Easter Bunny. And evolution.<\/p>\n I have a nephew, Christopher, who used to wake up screaming in the middle of the night because he was afraid of gay people getting married under his bed. But his parents got sick of hearing \u201cTHEY\u2019RE GOING TO RUIN MY STRAIGHT MARRIAGE\u201d and \u201cTHEY CAN\u2019T EVEN REPRODUCE,\u201d so they shone a flashlight under Chris\u2019s bed and proved to him that there was nothing to fear. Chris admits that he still doesn\u2019t like to leave his legs hanging off the edge of the bed in case a gay person mistakes it for a bouquet, but he\u2019s sleeping much more soundly now.<\/p>\n I think we\u2019d all be better off if we stopped pretending that gay marriage exists \u2013 if not for our own sakes, then for the children.<\/p>\n If this article has upset anyone, please remember that the University of Chicago is a forum forspirited debate and intellectual diversity, and that while we may not agree on certain topics, you absolutely must respect and publish other people\u2019s absurd and illogical opinions.<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2014 Look, I know this isn\u2019t the \u201cpolitically correct\u201d thing to say these days, but I have to get something off my chest. I don\u2019t believe in gay marriage. Now before you get all up in arms and start calling me \u201cbigoted\u201d or \u201chomophobic,\u201d I think you ought to listen to my side of the story. I used to believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the fact that gay people occasionally marry one another. But when I was 8 years old, I snuck out of bed on Christmas Eve and saw my father placing presents underneath our Christmas tree. Then I saw him decorating a tasteful wedding invitation for \u201cMichael and Dennis\u201d and putting it in our mailbox. That\u2019s when I knew\u2014Santa Claus isn\u2019t real, and neither are gay marriages. You don\u2019t believe me? Next time you think you see two women about to exchange vows at the wedding altar, look closer\u2013 you\u2019ll find that the whole thing is made of chicken wire and papier-m\u00e2ch\u00e9. I’m sure this is shocking and hard to accept, but facts are facts. I would love to live in a fantasy-land where my Hogwarts acceptance letter is coming in the mail and gay relationships are legally recognized by the government. But open your eyes to the truth! Gay marriages are simply not real marriages. Because they are imaginary. Like the Easter Bunny. And evolution. I have a nephew, Christopher, who used to wake up screaming in the middle of the night because he was afraid of gay people getting married under his bed. But his parents got sick of hearing \u201cTHEY\u2019RE GOING TO RUIN MY STRAIGHT MARRIAGE\u201d and \u201cTHEY CAN\u2019T EVEN REPRODUCE,\u201d so they shone a flashlight under Chris\u2019s bed and proved to him that there was nothing to fear. Chris admits that he still doesn\u2019t like to leave his legs hanging off the edge of the bed in case a gay person mistakes it for a bouquet, but he\u2019s sleeping much more soundly now. I think we\u2019d all be better off if we stopped pretending that gay marriage exists \u2013 if not for our own sakes, then for the children. If this article has upset anyone, please remember that the University of Chicago is a forum forspirited debate and intellectual diversity, and that while we may not agree on certain topics, you absolutely must respect and publish other people\u2019s absurd and illogical opinions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2168"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2168"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2168\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3201,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2168\/revisions\/3201"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2168"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2168"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2168"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}