<\/p>\n
University President Robert Zimmer was sighted Thursday indulging in an unusual snack \u2013 for the fifth time in recent memory. According to eyewitnesses, President Zimmer once again reached into the ribcage of a passing student to excise and devour his still-beating heart.\t<\/p>\n
\u201cI was just coming out of class in Harper and there he was. He walked out of his house with a, I guess a sort of carnivorous gleam in his eye,\u201d said a third-year witness who declined to give her name. \t\u201cHe brought the heart to his mouth, and all of a sudden he was gripped with some kind of rictus, or possibly rictuses \u2013 ricti? It\u2019s hard to know. Then the heart shimmered and disappeared.\u201d\t<\/p>\n
In an email to the student body, Dean of Students John Ellison alluded to the incident.\t\u201cThis day marked the commencement of a major component in the University of Chicago\u2019s twelve-year fundraising program: President Robert Zimmer\u2019s I Heart Chicago Initiative. As members of the University of Chicago community, we are sometimes called upon to have to give the whole nine yards, two ventricles, aorta, and vena cava. I hope University students, staff, and faculty will provide President Zimmer with their full and enthusiastic support.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cThe heart knows No Barriers,\u201d President Zimmer proclaimed through a diminutive, one-armed spokesman. \u201cYou have grown soft. Now, day and night, I offer you the bilious gut-churn of fear.\u201d\t\t<\/p>\n
The student, who claimed through a University spokesperson to be “privileged” to share this “intimate moment” with Zimmer, is a fourth-year economics major. He is alive and well at the University of Chicago Medical Center. President Zimmer has billed him $200 for his time.\t<\/p>\n
The Board of Trustees responded immediately to news of the heart-eating, convening an emergency session to grant the President a five-percent raise. At press time, President Zimmer was consuming his regular lunch of liver and onion.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Daniel Moattar Oct. 26, 2014 University President Robert Zimmer was sighted Thursday indulging in an unusual snack \u2013 for the fifth time in recent memory. According to eyewitnesses, President Zimmer once again reached into the ribcage of a passing student to excise and devour his still-beating heart. \u201cI was just coming out of class in Harper and there he was. He walked out of his house with a, I guess a sort of carnivorous gleam in his eye,\u201d said a third-year witness who declined to give her name. \u201cHe brought the heart to his mouth, and all of a sudden he was gripped with some kind of rictus, or possibly rictuses \u2013 ricti? It\u2019s hard to know. Then the heart shimmered and disappeared.\u201d In an email to the student body, Dean of Students John Ellison alluded to the incident. \u201cThis day marked the commencement of a major component in the University of Chicago\u2019s twelve-year fundraising program: President Robert Zimmer\u2019s I Heart Chicago Initiative. As members of the University of Chicago community, we are sometimes called upon to have to give the whole nine yards, two ventricles, aorta, and vena cava. I hope University students, staff, and faculty will provide President Zimmer with their full and enthusiastic support.\u201d \u201cThe heart knows No Barriers,\u201d President Zimmer proclaimed through a diminutive, one-armed spokesman. \u201cYou have grown soft. Now, day and night, I offer you the bilious gut-churn of fear.\u201d The student, who claimed through a University spokesperson to be “privileged” to share this “intimate moment” with Zimmer, is a fourth-year economics major. He is alive and well at the University of Chicago Medical Center. President Zimmer has billed him $200 for his time. The Board of Trustees responded immediately to news of the heart-eating, convening an emergency session to grant the President a five-percent raise. At press time, President Zimmer was consuming his regular lunch of liver and onion.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2137","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2137","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2137"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2137\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3170,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2137\/revisions\/3170"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2137"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2137"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2137"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}