<\/p>\n
The University of Chicago will commence ground operations in the state of Iraq during the next two weeks, Student Government President Tyler \u201cTawny Lion\u201d Kissinger announced yesterday at a press conference. Kissinger billed the invasion as a means to \u201cexpand the University\u2019s international profile in a globally important region, in addition to providing valuable extracurricular opportunities for students.\u201d Beginning later this quarter, students receiving financial aid will be required to report for service to the University\u2019s new Center for Study in Baghdad.<\/p>\n
\u201cUniversities serve as breeding grounds for the next generation of national leaders, and that\u2019s particularly true for the University of Chicago,\u201d Kissinger said. \u201cBut even as we provide innovative solutions to new problems, we must be mindful of the traditions of old. As such, I feel \u2013 and the Executive Committee agrees \u2013 that it would be irresponsible in this instance not to expose students to a venerable tradition and invade Iraq.\u201d Kissinger did not say whether or not the University would join the U.S.-led coalition against the terrorist group known as the Islamic State, or go it alone and attempt to redraw Iraq\u2019s borders along ethnic or sectarian lines. <\/p>\n
\u201cThe important thing is to have other people\u2019s children die for our cause,\u201d Kissinger said, speaking from his golden throne in the Student Government Executive Suite. \u201cThe specifics aren\u2019t important, although we plan to have the infantry primarily comprise South Side residents and scholarship recipients, in keeping with the University\u2019s established practice of keeping poors and plebeians outside these hallowed halls.\u201d Questioned regarding the combat readiness of untrained UChicago Reg-lodytes and everyday South Siders, Kissinger replied, \u201cAs you know, you go to war with the army you have \u2013 not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Critics of the plan worry that the invasion does not fit with the University’s mission as well as Student Government contends. \u201cIt seems to me that if we were to get involved in a nation-building and\/or brown-people-killing project in Iraq, we\u2019d be engaging in a lot of practical matters,\u201d one anonymous parent in town for the weekend said. \u201cHow does that jibe with UChicago\u2019s commitment to never teaching its students anything remotely practical? The admissions brochure said we haven\u2019t done that since the mid-Seventies \u2013 why turn back now?\u201d<\/p>\n
Second-year student and future corpse Caroline Leslie expressed dismay over SG\u2019s new priorities. \u201cHonestly, this has all gotten so out of control,\u201d she said. What began as a planned move toward equal representation in government, regardless of socioeconomic status, has, according to Leslie, had unexpectedly far-reaching consequences. \u201cAs it turns out, once you give people money to do nothing of substance, they start acting like a real government \u2013 doing whatever they want and allowing abuses of power to go completely unchecked.\u201d<\/p>\n
Actual University President Robert Zimmer could not be reached for comment.<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Clay Olsen Oct. 29, 2014 The University of Chicago will commence ground operations in the state of Iraq during the next two weeks, Student Government President Tyler \u201cTawny Lion\u201d Kissinger announced yesterday at a press conference. Kissinger billed the invasion as a means to \u201cexpand the University\u2019s international profile in a globally important region, in addition to providing valuable extracurricular opportunities for students.\u201d Beginning later this quarter, students receiving financial aid will be required to report for service to the University\u2019s new Center for Study in Baghdad. \u201cUniversities serve as breeding grounds for the next generation of national leaders, and that\u2019s particularly true for the University of Chicago,\u201d Kissinger said. \u201cBut even as we provide innovative solutions to new problems, we must be mindful of the traditions of old. As such, I feel \u2013 and the Executive Committee agrees \u2013 that it would be irresponsible in this instance not to expose students to a venerable tradition and invade Iraq.\u201d Kissinger did not say whether or not the University would join the U.S.-led coalition against the terrorist group known as the Islamic State, or go it alone and attempt to redraw Iraq\u2019s borders along ethnic or sectarian lines. \u201cThe important thing is to have other people\u2019s children die for our cause,\u201d Kissinger said, speaking from his golden throne in the Student Government Executive Suite. \u201cThe specifics aren\u2019t important, although we plan to have the infantry primarily comprise South Side residents and scholarship recipients, in keeping with the University\u2019s established practice of keeping poors and plebeians outside these hallowed halls.\u201d Questioned regarding the combat readiness of untrained UChicago Reg-lodytes and everyday South Siders, Kissinger replied, \u201cAs you know, you go to war with the army you have \u2013 not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.\u201d Critics of the plan worry that the invasion does not fit with the University’s mission as well as Student Government contends. \u201cIt seems to me that if we were to get involved in a nation-building and\/or brown-people-killing project in Iraq, we\u2019d be engaging in a lot of practical matters,\u201d one anonymous parent in town for the weekend said. \u201cHow does that jibe with UChicago\u2019s commitment to never teaching its students anything remotely practical? The admissions brochure said we haven\u2019t done that since the mid-Seventies \u2013 why turn back now?\u201d Second-year student and future corpse Caroline Leslie expressed dismay over SG\u2019s new priorities. \u201cHonestly, this has all gotten so out of control,\u201d she said. What began as a planned move toward equal representation in government, regardless of socioeconomic status, has, according to Leslie, had unexpectedly far-reaching consequences. \u201cAs it turns out, once you give people money to do nothing of substance, they start acting like a real government \u2013 doing whatever they want and allowing abuses of power to go completely unchecked.\u201d Actual University President Robert Zimmer could not be reached for comment.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2136"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2136"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2136\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3169,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2136\/revisions\/3169"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2136"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2136"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2136"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}