<\/p>\n
Marlon C. Lynch Reassures Students: Security Alert Will Be Sent Within 30 Days of First Ebola Death on Campus<\/strong><\/p>\n Marlon Lynch, Associate Vice President for Safety, Security, Overreaction, Protest Dissolution, People in Trees, Ebola Management, and Civic Affairs & Chief of Police shared with the University community the protocols to be followed in the event of Ebola contagion. <\/p>\n \u201cThe UCPD will carefully monitor all confirmed cases of Ebola at the University Medical Center and will notify students in a timely manner when the outbreak is deemed an \u2018imminent threat\u2019 to public safety; students can expect a Security Alert within 30 days of the first death at the UCMD, and a cAlert within 45 days of the death toll rising above 50,\u201d Lynch said in a statement. \u201cWe are also exploring several new and exciting options for locations of temporary morgues. In the meantime, Student Health Services will be providing additional preventative care measures to students, such as tropical fruit-flavored chapstick,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n Students expressed relief following the email. \u201cI\u2019m not nearly as panicked now that I know the UCPD has a plan,\u201d second-year Hadi Iskandarani said. \u201cThe House\u2019s Well Czar gave us all cough drops and some green tea bags at last night\u2019s house meeting, so I\u2019d say I\u2019m feeling pretty prepared. Plus, my RA is a pre-med.\u201d<\/p>\n Student Finding it Harder to Convince Friends She\u2019s \u201cJust Middle Class\u201d After Parents\u2019 Weekend<\/strong><\/p>\n Following her parents\u2019 visit to campus over Family Weekend, first-year Blair Sanderson is reportedly having a difficult time proving to her friends at UChicago that she is not \u201cupper class or anything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere are so many things I just didn\u2019t get a chance to explain. Jay and Marion were in and out of town so quickly. I wish I could have told my friends that they stayed at the Waldorf because he flies a lot\u2014you know, for business,\u201d Sanderson said. \u201cIt\u2019s not like we\u2019re rich.\u201d<\/p>\n After Blair\u2019s roommate Rebecca Tompkins went to dinner with the family last Saturday night, she reported to theDealer<\/em> that she \u201chad trouble thinking of the Sandersons as middle class.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHer father asked whether I\u2019d like to summer with them on the Vineyard,\u201d said Tompkins. \u201cSummer. Verb.\u201d<\/p>\n After reflecting on Tompkins\u2019s observations, Sanderson responded that the house belonged to her grandmother: \u201cWhen she moved to Oak Bluffs, it was a really quiet beachside community.\u201d<\/p>\n At press time, Sanderson was heard admitting that her father was among the one percent of highest earners nationally, but \u201conly technically.\u201d<\/p>\n Students at Fall Formal Accidentally Married by Captain<\/strong><\/p>\n Love and the spray of salt were in the air at Fall Formal, as Captain James Whiskeyshins Nondorf brought every student together in one enormous yet surprisingly touching polyamorous wedding at sea. Reactions to the mass ceremony have varied among students. Milo Marsden, a first year hailing from Utah, was seen shaking his head in quiet admiration at the turn of events. The student group Queers and Associates hailed the move as a \u201cbold step towards embracing alternative lifestyles.\u201d Other groups have reacted in a more negative manner. A representative from the Catholic Students Association, speaking on the condition of anonymity, commented, \u201cSeriously? Like\u2026the fuck?\u201dSeveral reputable sources have accused Captain Whiskeyshins Nondorf of participating in an elaborate plan orchestrated by Student Government publicists to distract students from StipendGate. More on this tale of romance and intrigue as the Dealer’s <\/em>news team continues to follow the trials and triumphs of matrimony for the several hundred newlyweds. <\/p>\n Drug Dealer Assures Students Drugs Are Perfectly Safe<\/strong><\/p>\n Small-time drug dealer and resident of New Graduate Residence Hall Taylor Johnson spoke with the Dealer<\/em> last Tuesday concerning the safely of her products.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, I shoot up at least once a week, and I\u2019m still doing just fine. It\u2019s a way to enter a new mind state and learn more about yourself,\u201d she explained.<\/p>\n \u201cSee the safety precautions here? Just follow these and you\u2019ll be fine. Honest. The only people you see dying on the news are the idiots who don\u2019t do the proper research. You don\u2019t strike me as one of those kinds,\u201d she affirmed with a wink.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is probably sufficient evidence, don\u2019t you think? You and I can experiment. I can give you a special discount usually only reserved for friends, since you\u2019re a serious journalist and all,\u201d the small-time drug dealer whispered, caressing the Dealer<\/em>\u2019s leg.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 Marlon C. Lynch Reassures Students: Security Alert Will Be Sent Within 30 Days of First Ebola Death on Campus Marlon Lynch, Associate Vice President for Safety, Security, Overreaction, Protest Dissolution, People in Trees, Ebola Management, and Civic Affairs & Chief of Police shared with the University community the protocols to be followed in the event of Ebola contagion. \u201cThe UCPD will carefully monitor all confirmed cases of Ebola at the University Medical Center and will notify students in a timely manner when the outbreak is deemed an \u2018imminent threat\u2019 to public safety; students can expect a Security Alert within 30 days of the first death at the UCMD, and a cAlert within 45 days of the death toll rising above 50,\u201d Lynch said in a statement. \u201cWe are also exploring several new and exciting options for locations of temporary morgues. In the meantime, Student Health Services will be providing additional preventative care measures to students, such as tropical fruit-flavored chapstick,\u201d he added. Students expressed relief following the email. \u201cI\u2019m not nearly as panicked now that I know the UCPD has a plan,\u201d second-year Hadi Iskandarani said. \u201cThe House\u2019s Well Czar gave us all cough drops and some green tea bags at last night\u2019s house meeting, so I\u2019d say I\u2019m feeling pretty prepared. Plus, my RA is a pre-med.\u201d Student Finding it Harder to Convince Friends She\u2019s \u201cJust Middle Class\u201d After Parents\u2019 Weekend Following her parents\u2019 visit to campus over Family Weekend, first-year Blair Sanderson is reportedly having a difficult time proving to her friends at UChicago that she is not \u201cupper class or anything.\u201d \u201cThere are so many things I just didn\u2019t get a chance to explain. Jay and Marion were in and out of town so quickly. I wish I could have told my friends that they stayed at the Waldorf because he flies a lot\u2014you know, for business,\u201d Sanderson said. \u201cIt\u2019s not like we\u2019re rich.\u201d After Blair\u2019s roommate Rebecca Tompkins went to dinner with the family last Saturday night, she reported to theDealer that she \u201chad trouble thinking of the Sandersons as middle class.\u201d \u201cHer father asked whether I\u2019d like to summer with them on the Vineyard,\u201d said Tompkins. \u201cSummer. Verb.\u201d After reflecting on Tompkins\u2019s observations, Sanderson responded that the house belonged to her grandmother: \u201cWhen she moved to Oak Bluffs, it was a really quiet beachside community.\u201d At press time, Sanderson was heard admitting that her father was among the one percent of highest earners nationally, but \u201conly technically.\u201d Students at Fall Formal Accidentally Married by Captain Love and the spray of salt were in the air at Fall Formal, as Captain James Whiskeyshins Nondorf brought every student together in one enormous yet surprisingly touching polyamorous wedding at sea. Reactions to the mass ceremony have varied among students. Milo Marsden, a first year hailing from Utah, was seen shaking his head in quiet admiration at the turn of events. The student group Queers and Associates hailed the move as a \u201cbold step towards embracing alternative lifestyles.\u201d Other groups have reacted in a more negative manner. A representative from the Catholic Students Association, speaking on the condition of anonymity, commented, \u201cSeriously? Like\u2026the fuck?\u201dSeveral reputable sources have accused Captain Whiskeyshins Nondorf of participating in an elaborate plan orchestrated by Student Government publicists to distract students from StipendGate. More on this tale of romance and intrigue as the Dealer’s news team continues to follow the trials and triumphs of matrimony for the several hundred newlyweds. Drug Dealer Assures Students Drugs Are Perfectly Safe Small-time drug dealer and resident of New Graduate Residence Hall Taylor Johnson spoke with the Dealer last Tuesday concerning the safely of her products. \u201cYou know, I shoot up at least once a week, and I\u2019m still doing just fine. It\u2019s a way to enter a new mind state and learn more about yourself,\u201d she explained. \u201cSee the safety precautions here? Just follow these and you\u2019ll be fine. Honest. The only people you see dying on the news are the idiots who don\u2019t do the proper research. You don\u2019t strike me as one of those kinds,\u201d she affirmed with a wink. \u201cThis is probably sufficient evidence, don\u2019t you think? You and I can experiment. I can give you a special discount usually only reserved for friends, since you\u2019re a serious journalist and all,\u201d the small-time drug dealer whispered, caressing the Dealer\u2019s leg.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2115"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2115"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2115\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3148,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2115\/revisions\/3148"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2115"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2115"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2115"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}