<\/p>\n
President Zimmer Seeks Word to Describe the University\u2019s Approach to Education<\/strong><\/p>\n Sources close to the Office of the President reported Friday that Robert J. Zimmer, in preparing his speech for this month\u2019s Convocation ceremony, was \u201ctirelessly pursuing\u201d the perfect adjective to describe the University of Chicago\u2019s aims of education.<\/p>\n Receptionist Bridget Allen told the Dealer<\/em> that she was surprised to see the President in his office when she arrived at work Monday morning.<\/p>\n \u201cBob must have had eight separate thesauri on his desk, each one heavily annotated. I got the impression he had been cooped up in there all weekend,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n The President\u2019s zeal is apparently straining his relationships with his co-workers. Vice President Derek Douglas recounted that, during a routine finance meeting on Thursday afternoon, Zimmer \u201cleapt from his seat and stormed out of the room, loudly repeating the word \u2018assiduous.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n At press time, Zimmer had apparently selected the adjective \u201crigorous.\u201d<\/p>\n House Culture Now Visible Under Microscope<\/strong><\/p>\n Cathey House R.A. and third-year Biology major Nicholas MacManaman announced Wednesday that the house culture he has been growing in a petri dish in the lounge is now visible at only 100x magnification.<\/p>\n \u201cTo control the bacteria\u2019s exposure to light, I painted the windows of our lounge with dogmatic assertions of Cathey House\u2019s superiority over all other houses,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n \u201cThe little guys grew in a nutrient broth\u2014the chicken broth I heat up for our intimate nightly study breaks. I also took them to an apple orchard to increase their oxygen exposure. And I founded a cult of personality centered around our namesake Arley D. Cathey, whose worshipers ritualistically genuflect before the petri dish,\u201d MacManaman added.<\/p>\n MacManaman now plans to cultivate a passionate hatred of Wendt House in a neighboring petri dish.<\/p>\n Student Health Services Declares Epidemic<\/strong><\/p>\n A spokesman for the Student Health Services issued a statement Tuesday declaring a university-wide epidemic of false modesty.<\/p>\n \u201cDue to inadequate sanitation, this University is rapidly becoming a bacteria cafeteria. And we all know what grows in warm, moist places such as Bartlett or the palms of undergraduates\u2014unicellular organisms spraying a plague of false modesty!\u201d said a representative from the University Student Health Services. <\/p>\n According to the statement, the symptoms of false modesty include \u201cmaking comments that seem humble or even self-deprecating, but are meant to elicit praise from the conversational partner. Patients may also experience dizziness, diarrhea, and phlegm.\u201d<\/p>\n If you believe someone you know is infected, you are advised to remind him or her that Miley Cyrus was Hannah Montana at just twelve years old.<\/p>\n When pressed for further comment, Student Health Services declined, saying, \u201cWe\u2019re just not as good at dealing with the media as we are at saving lives.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 President Zimmer Seeks Word to Describe the University\u2019s Approach to Education Sources close to the Office of the President reported Friday that Robert J. Zimmer, in preparing his speech for this month\u2019s Convocation ceremony, was \u201ctirelessly pursuing\u201d the perfect adjective to describe the University of Chicago\u2019s aims of education. Receptionist Bridget Allen told the Dealer that she was surprised to see the President in his office when she arrived at work Monday morning. \u201cBob must have had eight separate thesauri on his desk, each one heavily annotated. I got the impression he had been cooped up in there all weekend,\u201d she said. The President\u2019s zeal is apparently straining his relationships with his co-workers. Vice President Derek Douglas recounted that, during a routine finance meeting on Thursday afternoon, Zimmer \u201cleapt from his seat and stormed out of the room, loudly repeating the word \u2018assiduous.\u2019\u201d At press time, Zimmer had apparently selected the adjective \u201crigorous.\u201d House Culture Now Visible Under Microscope Cathey House R.A. and third-year Biology major Nicholas MacManaman announced Wednesday that the house culture he has been growing in a petri dish in the lounge is now visible at only 100x magnification. \u201cTo control the bacteria\u2019s exposure to light, I painted the windows of our lounge with dogmatic assertions of Cathey House\u2019s superiority over all other houses,\u201d he said. \u201cThe little guys grew in a nutrient broth\u2014the chicken broth I heat up for our intimate nightly study breaks. I also took them to an apple orchard to increase their oxygen exposure. And I founded a cult of personality centered around our namesake Arley D. Cathey, whose worshipers ritualistically genuflect before the petri dish,\u201d MacManaman added. MacManaman now plans to cultivate a passionate hatred of Wendt House in a neighboring petri dish. Student Health Services Declares Epidemic A spokesman for the Student Health Services issued a statement Tuesday declaring a university-wide epidemic of false modesty. \u201cDue to inadequate sanitation, this University is rapidly becoming a bacteria cafeteria. And we all know what grows in warm, moist places such as Bartlett or the palms of undergraduates\u2014unicellular organisms spraying a plague of false modesty!\u201d said a representative from the University Student Health Services. According to the statement, the symptoms of false modesty include \u201cmaking comments that seem humble or even self-deprecating, but are meant to elicit praise from the conversational partner. Patients may also experience dizziness, diarrhea, and phlegm.\u201d If you believe someone you know is infected, you are advised to remind him or her that Miley Cyrus was Hannah Montana at just twelve years old. When pressed for further comment, Student Health Services declined, saying, \u201cWe\u2019re just not as good at dealing with the media as we are at saving lives.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2113"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2113"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2113\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3146,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2113\/revisions\/3146"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2113"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2113"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2113"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}