<\/p>\n
Commander of UChicago Electronic Army to Undergo Micropenis Correction Surgery<\/strong><\/p>\n Sources confirm that the anonymous commander of the UChicago Electronic Army is preparing to undergo a complicated micropenis correction surgery.<\/p>\n \u201cNormally the procedure is very simple, but this is one of the worst cases we\u2019ve ever seen,\u201d the commander\u2019s doctor said.<\/p>\n The commander\u2019s father told the Dealer <\/em>in an email statement that he hopes that, following the surgery, his son will gain the confidence to form meaningful, lasting friendships, and realize that all people are unique and valuable. <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s always sad when young people let a micropenis lead them into a life of vitriol, resentment, racism, misogyny, homophobia, and rape-apologism,\u201d he said. <\/strong><\/p>\n Campus Wi-Fi Too Strong<\/strong><\/p>\n According to reports from numerous UChicago students, the campus Wi-Fi signal is just too strong for most phones, tablets, and laptops.<\/p>\n \u201cI was eating the delicious food provided at Bartlett Dining Hall, and when I tried to check my fantasy football team\u2019s score, the internet worked so fast that my phone short-circuited,\u201d first-year Jacob Kahn complained to the Dealer<\/em>. Kahn was not alone in his displeasure with the powerful Wi-Fi connection. <\/p>\n Second-year Lizzie Baetz told the Dealer<\/em>, \u201cI was deeply engaged with my Sosc reading that when I made the mistake of searching on my brand new MacBook for additional texts to supplement my learning, suddenly, the screen went black. Now how am I supposed to read the Maroon<\/em> online?\u201d <\/p>\n Sources say that most students experience this problem with overly strong Wi-Fi either while looking at pictures of what they described as \u201cthe extremely attractive UChicago student body\u201d or writing thank-you letters to the financial aid office for their extremely generous contributions. <\/p>\n Air Traffic Controllers Introduce New \u201cNegative Means Negative, and Only Affirmative Means Affirmative\u201d Policy<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n Air traffic control towers around the nation saw a new wave of posters go up last weekend as the National Air Traffic Controllers Association (NATCA) began implementing its new \u201cNegative Means Negative, and Only Affirmative Means Affirmative\u201d policy.<\/p>\n The policy clarifies the meaning of \u201cnegative\u201d and \u201caffirmative\u201d in air traffic control communication, indicating that the phrase \u201cnegative\u201d should be interpreted to mean the negation of the previous statement, and only the phrase \u201caffirmative\u201d should be interpreted to mean the affirmation of the previous statement. <\/p>\n \u201cSometimes when I asked for clearance for takeoff and the controller said \u2018negative,\u2019 I was confused and thought he meant \u2018affirmative,\u2019\u201d said veteran United Airlines pilot Richard Shovelworth. \u201cNow I know that it means that I must not take off, and that I ought only to take off when the controller explicitly tells me I may do so,\u201d he explained. <\/p>\n Detractors of the new policy focused on the \u201closs of tradition\u201d involved in requiring that pilot and air traffic controllers use \u201caffirmative\u201d and \u201cnegative\u201d in accordance with their meanings. \u201cWhere\u2019s the fun in flying without a bit of risk of a mid-air collision because you did a maneuver even when the controller said \u2018negative\u2019?\u201d asked private pilot Sandy Ferguson. <\/p>\n Despite opponents\u2019 efforts, support for the policy remained strong. Indeed, at press time, \u201cnegative\u201d still meant \u201cnegative,\u201d and only \u201caffirmative\u201d meant \u201caffirmative.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 20, 2014 Commander of UChicago Electronic Army to Undergo Micropenis Correction Surgery Sources confirm that the anonymous commander of the UChicago Electronic Army is preparing to undergo a complicated micropenis correction surgery. \u201cNormally the procedure is very simple, but this is one of the worst cases we\u2019ve ever seen,\u201d the commander\u2019s doctor said. The commander\u2019s father told the Dealer in an email statement that he hopes that, following the surgery, his son will gain the confidence to form meaningful, lasting friendships, and realize that all people are unique and valuable. \u201cIt\u2019s always sad when young people let a micropenis lead them into a life of vitriol, resentment, racism, misogyny, homophobia, and rape-apologism,\u201d he said. Campus Wi-Fi Too Strong According to reports from numerous UChicago students, the campus Wi-Fi signal is just too strong for most phones, tablets, and laptops. \u201cI was eating the delicious food provided at Bartlett Dining Hall, and when I tried to check my fantasy football team\u2019s score, the internet worked so fast that my phone short-circuited,\u201d first-year Jacob Kahn complained to the Dealer. Kahn was not alone in his displeasure with the powerful Wi-Fi connection. Second-year Lizzie Baetz told the Dealer, \u201cI was deeply engaged with my Sosc reading that when I made the mistake of searching on my brand new MacBook for additional texts to supplement my learning, suddenly, the screen went black. Now how am I supposed to read the Maroon online?\u201d Sources say that most students experience this problem with overly strong Wi-Fi either while looking at pictures of what they described as \u201cthe extremely attractive UChicago student body\u201d or writing thank-you letters to the financial aid office for their extremely generous contributions. Air Traffic Controllers Introduce New \u201cNegative Means Negative, and Only Affirmative Means Affirmative\u201d Policy Air traffic control towers around the nation saw a new wave of posters go up last weekend as the National Air Traffic Controllers Association (NATCA) began implementing its new \u201cNegative Means Negative, and Only Affirmative Means Affirmative\u201d policy. The policy clarifies the meaning of \u201cnegative\u201d and \u201caffirmative\u201d in air traffic control communication, indicating that the phrase \u201cnegative\u201d should be interpreted to mean the negation of the previous statement, and only the phrase \u201caffirmative\u201d should be interpreted to mean the affirmation of the previous statement. \u201cSometimes when I asked for clearance for takeoff and the controller said \u2018negative,\u2019 I was confused and thought he meant \u2018affirmative,\u2019\u201d said veteran United Airlines pilot Richard Shovelworth. \u201cNow I know that it means that I must not take off, and that I ought only to take off when the controller explicitly tells me I may do so,\u201d he explained. Detractors of the new policy focused on the \u201closs of tradition\u201d involved in requiring that pilot and air traffic controllers use \u201caffirmative\u201d and \u201cnegative\u201d in accordance with their meanings. \u201cWhere\u2019s the fun in flying without a bit of risk of a mid-air collision because you did a maneuver even when the controller said \u2018negative\u2019?\u201d asked private pilot Sandy Ferguson. Despite opponents\u2019 efforts, support for the policy remained strong. Indeed, at press time, \u201cnegative\u201d still meant \u201cnegative,\u201d and only \u201caffirmative\u201d meant \u201caffirmative.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2110"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2110"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2110\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3143,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2110\/revisions\/3143"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2110"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2110"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2110"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}