<\/p>\n
New Police Handbook Instructs Officers to Close Their Eyes, Spin Around Three Times Before Shooting<\/strong><\/p>\n An update to a national police best practices guide will instruct that \u201cofficers employing deadly force must close their eyes and spin around three times before discharging their service weapons,\u201d according to a draft of the update obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer<\/em>. The manual further requires officers to \u201cmake all reasonable efforts to ensure that officer-initiated shootings do not target any particular person or group of people.\u201d<\/p>\n The update comes on the heels of a national controversy regarding officer-involved shootings across the country, the victims of which have almost exclusively been members of marginalized groups. \u201cWith this new policy, we are ensuring that police shootings are distributed fairly among everyone within the range of the officer\u2019s weapon at the time he or she decides deadly force is necessary,\u201d explained Department of Justice spokesperson Savannah Nygaard. \u201cWe want to change the perception that, when an officer decides to shoot someone, that person was necessarily singled out as a target of violence.\u201d<\/p>\n Advocates for victims of officer-involved shootings lauded the changes. Just last week, my son was shot by a CPD officer for no reason whatsoever,\u201d said Chicago resident Marianna Fields, who is black. \u201cI\u2019m glad to know that with this new policy, the person getting shot for no reason whatsoever would have been chosen by an impartial process.\u201d<\/p>\n Officers who participated in a pilot implementation of the policy gave it mixed reviews. \u201cI appreciate that it\u2019s important to make sure we\u2019re not being discriminatory when we shoot someone during the course of our duties,\u201d said Chicago Police Sergeant Brent Matthews. \u201cBut in practice it doesn\u2019t work so well. Often when I close my eyes and spin around three times, I realize that there was no reason to shoot the guy in the first place, and then I\u2019m just standing there looking silly.\u201d<\/p>\n Nation\u2019s Sex Shops Prepare for Transition from Thanksgiving to Christmas <\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s that time of year again. The air is chilly. The family is coming home. <\/p>\n \u201cAnyone who knows anything about the sex circuit understands that the fall of the Thanksgiving moon marks the end of the \u2018sex-for-mutual-pleasure\u2019 cycle and ushers in the period of concentrated stimulation,\u201d local Bang-Hut\u2122 operator Michelle Stamper explained. \u201cThe former encourages an egalitarian, communicative approach to love-making. The latter just focuses on touching the man\u2019s gouch.\u201d <\/p>\n Sex Shops around the country have anticipated the ritualistic change and are adjusting accordingly. \u201cWe stock a lot less of the pointy ones and more of the buzzy ones,\u201d Stamper\u2019s store-clerk clarified. <\/p>\n Despite these shake-ups in the market, many dedicate area sexers still hold generally negative opinions about this unalterable, age-old tradition. \u201cNothing feels good down there after we carve the Thanksgiving bird,\u201d a local sex-having-man complained. \u201cI fucking hate Christmas fucking. <\/p>\n Though it is unclear how these cyclical changes became intertwined with Christianity, local residents each year eagerly await the arrival of Good Friday, bringing with it the resurrection of Christ and orgasm. <\/p>\n Obama Immigration Plan Gives Amnesty to 300 Million Americans<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n President Obama last week announced a controversial immigration plan that promises to grant amnesty to over 300 million Americans living in the country illegally. The President promised to take executive action to protect the vast majority of Americans who still face deportation despite having taken jobs, paid taxes, raised families, established cultures, oppressed cultures, and been elected to office in the United States.<\/p>\n In a televised address last Thursday, President Obama made an emotional appeal, stating, \u201cThese are people who embody American ideals. They\u2019re your friends and neighbors. They\u2019re your brothers and sisters. These are people who risked everything to leave their homeland and escape the religious oppression of the British Empire, and though this has not always been their<\/em> land, it sure as hell is now.\u201d <\/p>\n The plan is controversial among House and Senate Republicans, who claim the executive action is a vast overstep of the President\u2019s constitutional authority. Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell said the plan would allow America to be \u201coverrun with immigrants\u201d and would \u201cundermine core American values.\u201d<\/p>\n When asked about the financial feasibility of the President\u2019s plan, a senior White House official commented, \u201cWho fucking knows? He was working without a script up there. Didn\u2019t tell any of us a thing beforehand. Just be glad he didn\u2019t declare war on Nigeria.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 27, 2014 New Police Handbook Instructs Officers to Close Their Eyes, Spin Around Three Times Before Shooting An update to a national police best practices guide will instruct that \u201cofficers employing deadly force must close their eyes and spin around three times before discharging their service weapons,\u201d according to a draft of the update obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer. The manual further requires officers to \u201cmake all reasonable efforts to ensure that officer-initiated shootings do not target any particular person or group of people.\u201d The update comes on the heels of a national controversy regarding officer-involved shootings across the country, the victims of which have almost exclusively been members of marginalized groups. \u201cWith this new policy, we are ensuring that police shootings are distributed fairly among everyone within the range of the officer\u2019s weapon at the time he or she decides deadly force is necessary,\u201d explained Department of Justice spokesperson Savannah Nygaard. \u201cWe want to change the perception that, when an officer decides to shoot someone, that person was necessarily singled out as a target of violence.\u201d Advocates for victims of officer-involved shootings lauded the changes. Just last week, my son was shot by a CPD officer for no reason whatsoever,\u201d said Chicago resident Marianna Fields, who is black. \u201cI\u2019m glad to know that with this new policy, the person getting shot for no reason whatsoever would have been chosen by an impartial process.\u201d Officers who participated in a pilot implementation of the policy gave it mixed reviews. \u201cI appreciate that it\u2019s important to make sure we\u2019re not being discriminatory when we shoot someone during the course of our duties,\u201d said Chicago Police Sergeant Brent Matthews. \u201cBut in practice it doesn\u2019t work so well. Often when I close my eyes and spin around three times, I realize that there was no reason to shoot the guy in the first place, and then I\u2019m just standing there looking silly.\u201d Nation\u2019s Sex Shops Prepare for Transition from Thanksgiving to Christmas It\u2019s that time of year again. The air is chilly. The family is coming home. \u201cAnyone who knows anything about the sex circuit understands that the fall of the Thanksgiving moon marks the end of the \u2018sex-for-mutual-pleasure\u2019 cycle and ushers in the period of concentrated stimulation,\u201d local Bang-Hut\u2122 operator Michelle Stamper explained. \u201cThe former encourages an egalitarian, communicative approach to love-making. The latter just focuses on touching the man\u2019s gouch.\u201d Sex Shops around the country have anticipated the ritualistic change and are adjusting accordingly. \u201cWe stock a lot less of the pointy ones and more of the buzzy ones,\u201d Stamper\u2019s store-clerk clarified. Despite these shake-ups in the market, many dedicate area sexers still hold generally negative opinions about this unalterable, age-old tradition. \u201cNothing feels good down there after we carve the Thanksgiving bird,\u201d a local sex-having-man complained. \u201cI fucking hate Christmas fucking. Though it is unclear how these cyclical changes became intertwined with Christianity, local residents each year eagerly await the arrival of Good Friday, bringing with it the resurrection of Christ and orgasm. Obama Immigration Plan Gives Amnesty to 300 Million Americans President Obama last week announced a controversial immigration plan that promises to grant amnesty to over 300 million Americans living in the country illegally. The President promised to take executive action to protect the vast majority of Americans who still face deportation despite having taken jobs, paid taxes, raised families, established cultures, oppressed cultures, and been elected to office in the United States. In a televised address last Thursday, President Obama made an emotional appeal, stating, \u201cThese are people who embody American ideals. They\u2019re your friends and neighbors. They\u2019re your brothers and sisters. These are people who risked everything to leave their homeland and escape the religious oppression of the British Empire, and though this has not always been their land, it sure as hell is now.\u201d The plan is controversial among House and Senate Republicans, who claim the executive action is a vast overstep of the President\u2019s constitutional authority. Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell said the plan would allow America to be \u201coverrun with immigrants\u201d and would \u201cundermine core American values.\u201d When asked about the financial feasibility of the President\u2019s plan, a senior White House official commented, \u201cWho fucking knows? He was working without a script up there. Didn\u2019t tell any of us a thing beforehand. Just be glad he didn\u2019t declare war on Nigeria.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2107"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2107"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2107\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3140,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2107\/revisions\/3140"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2107"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2107"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2107"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}