<\/p>\n
BIRMINGHAM, 1898 \u2013 <\/i>Children are miracles of life and they bring joy to the world. It\u2019s no wonder they\u2019re in such high demand. Everywhere you look it seems like <\/i>everyone is having kids! But don\u2019t worry if you\u2019re having some trouble; having a child is actually harder than it looks. If you\u2019re struggling to conceive, these 8 tips are sure to help you create the child you so desperately crave!<\/em><\/p>\n 1. Intercourse<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s a little known fact that sexual intercourse, the act of defiling a once-pure woman, is actually highly correlated with having children. A study in Victorian Weekly<\/em> has shown that men who desecrated their spouse were four times as likely to have a child borne to them.<\/p>\n 2. Sheep\u2019s Blood<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s a little known fact that sheep\u2019s blood, the blood from a sheep, is actually highly correlated with having children. A study in Victorian Weekly<\/em> has shown that men who smeared the blood of a sheep on their brides were six times as likely to conceive a child.<\/p>\n 3. Prayer<\/strong><\/p>\n Prolonged, focused prayer is a great way to show God that you\u2019re ready to be a parent. Once you get on your knees, you\u2019ve made the first step towards bringing life into the world.<\/p>\n 4. Leave It In<\/strong><\/p>\n Just leave it in for a while. Explore the space. See how it feels. Feel how it\u2019s warm.<\/p>\n 5. Wine<\/strong><\/p>\n Wine is a super sexy way to get in the mood. Drink lots and lots of wine before and<\/em> after<\/em> lying on top of your partner and crying out in the moonlight.<\/p>\n 6. Chanting<\/strong><\/p>\n Although critics may decry chanting as the poor man\u2019s smelling salts, it\u2019s actually been proven to increase the chances of reproducing by up to fifty percent. It\u2019s best if both partners chant in unison, but for more conservative couples, it is okay if the woman is unconscious.<\/p>\n 7. Kisses<\/strong><\/p>\n If you don\u2019t make kisses, how can you do anything else? You have to kiss. You have to<\/em>. It\u2019s part of it. Super necessary. Even if you don\u2019t want to, just do it anyway. Do kissing.<\/p>\n 8. Rosemary<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s a little known fact that rosemary, the perennial herb, is actually highly correlated with having children. A study in Victorian Weekly<\/em> has shown that men who put a bit of rosemary in between them and their sex-recipients were forty times more likely to get a baby than non-rosemary users.<\/p>\n Just follow those 8 easy tips and you\u2019ll be cradling a child in no time! Read tomorrow\u2019s column for 12 simple ways to avoid dying in childbirth. (Spoiler alert: you can\u2019t!)<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Evan Bernstein Feb. 1, 2015 BIRMINGHAM, 1898 \u2013 Children are miracles of life and they bring joy to the world. It\u2019s no wonder they\u2019re in such high demand. Everywhere you look it seems like everyone is having kids! But don\u2019t worry if you\u2019re having some trouble; having a child is actually harder than it looks. If you\u2019re struggling to conceive, these 8 tips are sure to help you create the child you so desperately crave! 1. Intercourse It\u2019s a little known fact that sexual intercourse, the act of defiling a once-pure woman, is actually highly correlated with having children. A study in Victorian Weekly has shown that men who desecrated their spouse were four times as likely to have a child borne to them. 2. Sheep\u2019s Blood It\u2019s a little known fact that sheep\u2019s blood, the blood from a sheep, is actually highly correlated with having children. A study in Victorian Weekly has shown that men who smeared the blood of a sheep on their brides were six times as likely to conceive a child. 3. Prayer Prolonged, focused prayer is a great way to show God that you\u2019re ready to be a parent. Once you get on your knees, you\u2019ve made the first step towards bringing life into the world. 4. Leave It In Just leave it in for a while. Explore the space. See how it feels. Feel how it\u2019s warm. 5. Wine Wine is a super sexy way to get in the mood. Drink lots and lots of wine before and after lying on top of your partner and crying out in the moonlight. 6. Chanting Although critics may decry chanting as the poor man\u2019s smelling salts, it\u2019s actually been proven to increase the chances of reproducing by up to fifty percent. It\u2019s best if both partners chant in unison, but for more conservative couples, it is okay if the woman is unconscious. 7. Kisses If you don\u2019t make kisses, how can you do anything else? You have to kiss. You have to. It\u2019s part of it. Super necessary. Even if you don\u2019t want to, just do it anyway. Do kissing. 8. Rosemary It\u2019s a little known fact that rosemary, the perennial herb, is actually highly correlated with having children. A study in Victorian Weekly has shown that men who put a bit of rosemary in between them and their sex-recipients were forty times more likely to get a baby than non-rosemary users. Just follow those 8 easy tips and you\u2019ll be cradling a child in no time! Read tomorrow\u2019s column for 12 simple ways to avoid dying in childbirth. (Spoiler alert: you can\u2019t!)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2082"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2082"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2082\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3115,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2082\/revisions\/3115"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2082"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2082"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2082"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}