{"id":2017,"date":"2013-03-16T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-03-15T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/35.224.237.165\/index.php\/2019\/02\/25\/condom-czar-expands-westward-into-condom-ukraine\/"},"modified":"2019-02-26T04:59:18","modified_gmt":"2019-02-25T21:59:18","slug":"condom-czar-expands-westward-into-condom-ukraine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2013\/03\/16\/condom-czar-expands-westward-into-condom-ukraine\/","title":{"rendered":"Condom Czar Expands Westward into Condom Ukraine"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"<\/p>\n

By Morgan Pantuck<\/a><\/h6>\n
July 22, 2015<\/h6>\n

The international community expressed widespread alarm this weekend as Vadimar Pugin<\/delete>Ivan Ivankov<\/insert>, the current Condom Czar of Hitchcock House, mobilized his condom army and began a military invasion into Condom Ukraine. The sovereignty of the territory has long been the subject of condom dispute <\/delete>and tensions are approaching climax<\/delete><\/insert>. After weeks of violent protests in Condom <\/insert>Crimea, Pugin<\/delete>Ivankov<\/insert> deployed hundreds of troops into the condom peninsula and erected the Hitchcock House flag over the nation\u2019s major government buildings. Although Pugin<\/delete>Ivankov<\/insert> previously claimed to respect Ukrain<\/insert>ne<\/delete>e<\/insert>\u2019s regional autonomy, his new condom<\/delete> condom <\/insert>actions speak louder than condom<\/delete> condom <\/insert>words. <\/p>\n

According to political analyst Jerry Hainsworth, preparations for the Crimean invasion have been building for years. \u201cPugin <\/delete>Ivankov <\/insert>went out of his way to ensure that Ukraine\u2019s nether regions never obtained their own condom<\/delete> condom <\/insert>police or condom<\/delete> condom <\/insert>security services. We\u2019re only just beginning to understand the s<\/delete> <\/delete>girth<\/insert>magnum-tude<\/delete> of the plot.\u201d <\/p>\n

Stony Island President, Barasa Oduya<\/delete>Marissa Rosenthal<\/insert>, warned that Pugin\u2019s<\/delete>Ivankov’s<\/insert> actions will inevitably result in severe economic sanctions. \u201cIf Vadim<\/delete>Ivan<\/insert> thinks he can just annex neighboring territories willy-nilly, he\u2019s got another thing coming,\u201d Oduya<\/delete>Rosenthal<\/insert> commented,<\/insert>.<\/delete> \u201cMy friends at Student Health Services can stop the flow of free condoms into Hitchcock house entirely. Female ones, too.\u201d <\/p>\n

Speaking from the Condom Kremlin, Ivankov<\/insert>Pugin<\/delete> responded to Oduya<\/delete>Rosenthal<\/insert>\u2019s comments derisively, noting that \u201cthose shitty things are always breaking anyway.\u201d <\/p>\n

The Presidents of Breckinridge and Blackstone have made similar statements denouncing Ivankov<\/insert>\u2019s actions. The King of Max Pavlevsky has remained largely neutral, and the Ayatollahs<\/insert> of Renee Granville-Grossman Commons voiced their<\/insert>his<\/delete> support for the annexation, explaining,<\/insert> that<\/delete> \u201cPugin<\/delete>Ivankov<\/insert> is only working to restore condom stability to Ukraine with his wise condom policy.\u201d <\/p>\n

Although Pugin\u2019s<\/delete>Ivankov’s<\/insert> actions have alarmed many international figures, his fellow Hitchcockizens are less concerned. Renee<\/delete>Harriet<\/insert> Lemelson, the current House Mom, offered the following insight: \u201cDon\u2019t worry. <\/insert> <\/delete>\u2014 <\/delete>N<\/insert>n<\/delete>obody takes their house position seriously for more than three weeks. Pugin<\/delete>Ivan<\/insert> will have impeached himself by his<\/insert>the<\/delete> <\/insert>first round<\/delete> of <\/delete>calc midterms<\/delete>.\u201d <\/p>\n

At press time, Pugin<\/delete>Ivankov<\/insert> had forgotten to fill the Hitchcock condom buckets for the second week in a row, leading to calls for his impeachment and requests for the re-election of second-year Tommy Konner, who filled the position last fall and did not attempt to annex any foreign territories.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Morgan Pantuck July 22, 2015 The international community expressed widespread alarm this weekend as Vadimar PuginIvan Ivankov, the current Condom Czar of Hitchcock House, mobilized his condom army and began a military invasion into Condom Ukraine. The sovereignty of the territory has long been the subject of condom dispute and tensions are approaching climax. After weeks of violent protests in Condom Crimea, PuginIvankov deployed hundreds of troops into the condom peninsula and erected the Hitchcock House flag over the nation\u2019s major government buildings. Although PuginIvankov previously claimed to respect Ukrainnee\u2019s regional autonomy, his new condom condom actions speak louder than condom condom words. According to political analyst Jerry Hainsworth, preparations for the Crimean invasion have been building for years. \u201cPugin Ivankov went out of his way to ensure that Ukraine\u2019s nether regions never obtained their own condom condom police or condom condom security services. We\u2019re only just beginning to understand the s girthmagnum-tude of the plot.\u201d Stony Island President, Barasa OduyaMarissa Rosenthal, warned that Pugin\u2019sIvankov’s actions will inevitably result in severe economic sanctions. \u201cIf VadimIvan thinks he can just annex neighboring territories willy-nilly, he\u2019s got another thing coming,\u201d OduyaRosenthal commented,. \u201cMy friends at Student Health Services can stop the flow of free condoms into Hitchcock house entirely. Female ones, too.\u201d Speaking from the Condom Kremlin, IvankovPugin responded to OduyaRosenthal\u2019s comments derisively, noting that \u201cthose shitty things are always breaking anyway.\u201d The Presidents of Breckinridge and Blackstone have made similar statements denouncing Ivankov\u2019s actions. The King of Max Pavlevsky has remained largely neutral, and the Ayatollahs of Renee Granville-Grossman Commons voiced theirhis support for the annexation, explaining, that \u201cPuginIvankov is only working to restore condom stability to Ukraine with his wise condom policy.\u201d Although Pugin\u2019sIvankov’s actions have alarmed many international figures, his fellow Hitchcockizens are less concerned. ReneeHarriet Lemelson, the current House Mom, offered the following insight: \u201cDon\u2019t worry. \u2014 Nnobody takes their house position seriously for more than three weeks. PuginIvan will have impeached himself by histhe first round of calc midterms.\u201d At press time, PuginIvankov had forgotten to fill the Hitchcock condom buckets for the second week in a row, leading to calls for his impeachment and requests for the re-election of second-year Tommy Konner, who filled the position last fall and did not attempt to annex any foreign territories.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2017","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2017","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2017"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2017\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3050,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2017\/revisions\/3050"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2017"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2017"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2017"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}